Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

For us, Christmas is never about one day but the whole season. The day itself is quite often just a roast dinner with presents!

But we love the time of year, we try and plan a few activities throughout the month, they don't have to be expensive but just to make the most of the days you have with DC. It sounds like contact is pretty strict but you can make sure the days he is with you during December you have fun things planned. When mine were younger we would go to panto, go to the local national trust to meet father Christmas, do christmassy arts and crafts. Or even just a walk around the area looking at everyone's decorations. I hope whatever you do you have a lovely time.

Actually that is not what the OP said. There is no reason to assume they had booked it without telling her. OP said "Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive." From that I read it as sibling and parents had a discussion and seen something they like and parents asked sibling to tell the OP. No indication that they had booked it. More like "we found this place, would you like to also come?", and OP said they couldn't because XYZ. I think the conversation was before they booked, and OP's "no" was the reason for booking without them. Regardless of the date, people don't have to refrain from booking a holiday they want because another family member or friend can't afford it or can't make the dates. Why would you decide to miss out on what you want for once - go at dates that don't suit everyone else or sepnd less on a place that you don't actually want?

And setting aside everything else, speaking as someone who (a) ADORES Christmas without other people and (b) is actually a Christian and therefore does celebrate Christmas, I find it really odd how many people who invest absolutely no meaning in either Christianity or Christmas get so het up about what is, in their book, just another day in the "great Sky Fairy myth". OP is presumably alone on lots of days, not just 26th December. What they make of that time is up to them. It is just another day.

Absolutely right, and beautifully put (compared to my comparatively wintry blast).
A positive, generous, and warmhearted attitude will carry OP through.

Just changed my vote to do YANBU after seeing you do usually spend Christmas with them - fair enough if they want to go away, but it feels mean that they didn't at least have a conversation with you about it before booking. Was it a last minute decision, or do you think they've been planning it a while?

Even so, there’s no reason why they should pay for you to come along, even if your arrangements allowed it.
It strikes me as pretty wild that you’d think it was their responsibility to plan Christmas based on your circumstances, since it’s not as though you are a sick child, but an adult.
You have no way (either financially or operationally) to go anyway, so framing the thing as an example of typical mistreatment is totally unwarranted and what’s more, you ought not to be throwing that stuff on your child.
Can you not see what message they can very easily take from your complaining? You are implying that being alone with them is very much not what you want.

I’m really not trying to bash you, honestly.
But I think you must concentrate on what you do have and show the child it’s all a good thing. This really is a time for you to resolve to accentuate the positive.
(As for a solo Boxing Day, just remind yourself about all those who’ll be wishing they had your luck!)
It’d also be a good policy not to make the others feel accused, let alone guilty, for excitement about their forthcoming trip. This is not about you.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are feeling let down by family. I am an only child so can't speak from experience in that regard, but can from the point if view if your DS.

Growing up it was always just me and my DM on Christmas day around that age, my dad was never involved and she has a difficult relationship with her siblings who also lived quite far away so we never spent it with them.

As a child, I just remember having a wonderful time at Christmas, I loved the build up, the excitement, and I never bothered at all that it was just us two on the day. We took our time opening gifts, I helped prepare the dinner and we played games and with my new toys in the evening.

Definitely go on the Christmas threads, I'm sure there will be lots of advice on how to make the day and the run up to it special. Then think what you can do for yourself on boxing day, whether thats a totally chilled day at home eating what you want and watching whatever you want on tv. Or planning a day out or meeting up with friends if anyone you know might be free, even for a few hours.

In regards to your family, it sounds like there is a lot of back story there. Unfortunately the saying is true, you can't change others, only how you respond to them. I would try and focus on the positives, that you have DC with you and how to have the vmbest time possible.

Thanks but I don't have anyone to invite. No one is in a similar position and all have their own families or go to different cities to spend time with parents. One friend will have a new born so thats a no. I don't had a huge circle of friends so there is no one else I can ask.

It sounds like you are very reliant on your parents to provide a social life for you at Christmas, which is a lot of pressure on them. I can see why they'd like to get away.

I would invite the friend with a newborn round for dinner but not on Xmas day-choose a different day. Same for your friends who see family and visit different cities-invite them over on a different day. I would look at volunteering with your son-get out there, meet some new people, help others out.

Pretty much my thoughts. The selfishness thing cuts both ways IMO; if it's selfish of the family to go away without the OP then it's also selfish of the OP to expect everybody else to fit in with her restrictive timetable year in year out. So it's honours even on the selfishness front and the Rolling Stones had it right with You Can't Always Get What You Want.

It's all well and good people saying that the OP is hard done by because 'Christmas is all about family', but as you get older, get married, have kids, and so do your siblings, it becomes impossible to just have it being the nuclear unit from your youth anyway. Which is why every fucking year there are negotiations about where we'll be for Christmas that make solving the Israel/Palestine conflict look a doddle. After the usual dashing about on the 25th (when the OP is not actually alone), I'd happily shut myself alone in a remote Siberian shack for Boxing Day.

@Summersalmostover don't wait for an invite. Be the host invite people over who aren't going off to relatives. Doesn't have to be a sit down. Guests bring a dish a drink. You prep on Xmas eve. It doesn't have to be turkey, buffet meats, salads, etc. trifle, etc. share the joy my friend did this for many years. Open house in the morning, folk dropping in on the way to family. Then she'd lay out the buffet and folk got stuck in.

Be a leader, start a trend.

I'd start saving up for next year, don't invite them, take a short break with DD.

OP, I get that you feel hard done to. Your sibling is the golden child. Your parents are wealthy and selfish. It's shit that your ex won't compromise on parenting. It's only August so why would you think about Christmas...Etc. Etc.

It is also a matter of perspective. Despite what you have said, everything is about you and your wants. You want your parents to host Christmas because you want Christmas your way with the extended family. You want them to continue to do this despite having done it for 10 and counting years. You don't have time to think about Christmas because your child is going back to school. You don't have any friends that you might make plans with. Your place is too small to host, so you can't think of any alternative other than your parents doing it. You can't afford it so nobody else should have what they can afford. Your ex won't compromise on dates so everyone else needs to organise around that.

But they are the selfish ones?

Loads of this is in your hands. You can't change that they are going somewhere for Christmas, at a time that suits them and to a place they want to go - but you could change your attitude about that and wish them well because it will be such a nice treat for them after years of everyone else first. You don't have anyone to spend Christmas with - well you have your son on Christmas day. Lots of people don't even have that, so what about looking at some volunteering to make someone elses Christmas, maybe someone who doesn't have anyone for them every Christmas??

Change your perspective and it isn't all about you. Change your perspective and you might find fulfillment in doing something different and'or for someone else. You can find problems and barriers, or you can create opportunities. In the end if your sibling and parents are the worst and most selfish people in the world (and I don't think there's much evidence of that despite what you think) you can be whoever and whatever you want. You can find all the negatives and luxuriate in grievances, or you can find just one positive and make something good.

Or, hear me out, theyre spending christmas how they would like to and how their finances permit.

So if we have a sibling on less money, who won't take access arrangements back to court, we can't ever go away for Christmas?
It's interesting because when it's a MIL/SIL and she wants to bring a friend, everyone backs the OP on not inviting her, because there's two of them, so they aren't alone.
Now the OP's child is twelve, their wishes would be taken into account by the Court and it would be very unlikely that permission wasn't granted. I might not get it because we aren't all joined at the hip. I don't always expect an invite from my children or when my sister was going out with my Mum. It's for everyone to build a life for themselves and I incude older parents in that. Occasionally we all should be able to have them Christmas we want.

What country have they found where a weeks AI is £700 at Christmas with weather decent enough to sit out in the sun? A lot of the "holiday" places really don't have nice weather in December.

YANBU to feel sad that you are overlooked. You would be unreasonable if you let the upset get in the way of iving your child the best Christmas.

Easy so be if I could I would. Bit like when you imagine if you won the lottery you would give away so much again. But then once it’s in your hands 1 million doesn’t actually go far. If you need a house, a house for each child. Depending on area the 1 mils gone before your first house is done.

I agree with this. It's like when non-drivers don't understand how tiring it can be to always be the designated driver.

OP has never hosted and has no idea how stressful it can be to be the ones responsible for everything, year after year. Sorting the shopping, catering for preferences and allergies, making sure the house is tidy and presentable, sorting out any sleeping arrangements etc. It's exhausting and it sounds like mum and dad have never had a break from it.

OP your parents have hosted for years and you’ve not had that worry.

Instead of being upset and feeling left out this year, be thankful that most of the time you’ve been invited and not had the worry of having to do it all yourself.

It’s nice that they don’t have the worry of hosting this year.
It can be very stressful.

You’re saying it’s too early to plan and those who holiday for Christmas have said your sister and mother have actually left it late to plan.

My in-laws will be away this year, I’m sure it’s likely been booked since last year. They go every other year though I wouldn’t blame them if they went every year.

There is over 20 of us when they host and frankly I could think of nothing worse. It’s hectic enough for 5 of us without thinking of everyone else’s needs wants likes and dislikes. Cousin fights and fall outs. Someone’s wants the tv on others don’t. But the ones who do don’t want the same thing on. More veg than a greengrocer to keep everyone happy. Some goose fat pots some not, then there’s mash too. Pigs with and without blankets, fat yorkies non fat yorkies. Turkey and beef but so and so only likes chicken. Water gravy, think gravy in types for each meat. Stuffing and sauces and different wines and beers.

Get a head ache thinking of it all.

Easy so be if I could I would. Bit like when you imagine if you won the lottery you would give away so much again. But then once it’s in your hands 1 million doesn’t actually go far. If you need a house, a house for each child. Depending on area the 1 mils gone before your first house is done.

I'd be hurt too.

Honestly, just have a nice Christmas on your own with your child. A psychologist once told me one of the biggest causes of stress in this country is the obsession with being surrounded by family at Christmas. It is one day of the year.

I don’t know who came up with the notion that if you’re spending Christmas on your own, that reflects your relationship with family as negative or as a failure.

I know you feel put out, but just take the high road, smile and let them go. have a lovely special day just you and your child. Please don’t place too much meaning on this one day.

I’m sure you can have a wonderful day with you and your child.

I've spent every Christmas with parents except one when I had covid a few years ago.

I missed this post-it looks like your parents have hosted every single Christmas for a long time then! It could be that your sibling is doing a nice thing for them to suggest an inclusive so they can have a year off hosting. That doesn't mean that they have to pay for you to go though.

Yes I’m afraid I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong really. They’re allowed to want to go away and have the sort of Christmas they’d like to have. They asked you if you’d like to join, with plenty of warning. They have other things going on in their lives; you have other things going on in your life. You’re not the center of their Christmas plans, but they seem to be yours. Are they never to have the sort of Christmas they’d ideally like because of your circumstances?