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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

364 replies

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:30

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night.

I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

OP posts:
SummerEve · 30/08/2025 22:45

Moonlightfrog · 30/08/2025 21:11

Of course it is disrespectful. OP was asleep. I wouldn’t start playing with myself whilst my partner was sleeping next to me and wouldn’t expect my partner too, he can do it in private or with OP when she’s awake (with consent). It’s a big grim to just do it whilst she’s asleep next to him.

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That's your opinion. I don't share it.

ScrollingLeaves · 30/08/2025 22:45

Twizzletoe · 30/08/2025 18:31

Why shouldn’t he be comfortable?

In private

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:44

Jeez some of the comments 🤦‍♀️ if wanking is grim then so is sex right? He was obviously in need of it. DP does it often, he doesn’t hide it, fine by me, better than him harassing me non stop especially when he has a high sex drive and my libido is low. The only time I have a problem is when I’m trying to read and the bed is shaking 😂.

Bowies · 30/08/2025 22:44

Whatado · 30/08/2025 22:32

I have to laugh the amount of positioning on this thread regarding consent, privacy and boundaries.

Those dont all start and stop at sex, or sexual acts in relationships.

The OP has started a thread on a public forum that regularly gets threads picked up by media or shared on social media and has shared something incredibly private according to some about her spouse that took place in the "privacy" of his own bedroom.

I wonder has there been a discussion if thats OK with him. Does he feel comfortable? Is he happy that his wife is discussing this on line, without him knowing.

I can only imagine the uproar if a woman came on and posted that her husband was posting about her masterbation habits on reddit for example. It would be a 1000 posts of him being absolutely torn to shreds.

No-one knows who she or her DH are it’s all very non specific.

People usually come here for advice l, that’s what OP did.

OP hasn’t done anything wrong by asking for advice on an anonymous Forum, has she?

Plus there’s a context of patriarchy, it’s not a level playing field.

Charlize43 · 30/08/2025 22:39

What a wanker!

Bowies · 30/08/2025 22:38

I’m with you OP - grim, plus he woke u up.

Whatado · 30/08/2025 22:32

I have to laugh the amount of positioning on this thread regarding consent, privacy and boundaries.

Those dont all start and stop at sex, or sexual acts in relationships.

The OP has started a thread on a public forum that regularly gets threads picked up by media or shared on social media and has shared something incredibly private according to some about her spouse that took place in the "privacy" of his own bedroom.

I wonder has there been a discussion if thats OK with him. Does he feel comfortable? Is he happy that his wife is discussing this on line, without him knowing.

I can only imagine the uproar if a woman came on and posted that her husband was posting about her masterbation habits on reddit for example. It would be a 1000 posts of him being absolutely torn to shreds.

SummerDaysAreTheBest · 30/08/2025 22:29

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 30/08/2025 18:51

I would have no issue with the masturbation but waking me up is problematic. If the house is not on fire then don’t wake me

This!!!

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 22:23

@PrivateMusicif you hadn’t tried to patronise @SuPollardsPolkaDotFrockId let it go, but she is right and you are wrong.

imisscashmere · 30/08/2025 22:21

Belladog1 · 30/08/2025 18:41

I'd watch 😉

I’m massively turned on by my husband touching himself… so “catching” him doing this in the bed wouldn’t gross me out at all. I think either I would join in, or if I wasn’t in the mood we would laugh about it. It’s never happened though 🤷‍♀️

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 30/08/2025 22:13

HangryLikeTheHulk · 30/08/2025 21:17

…in Waitrose, up a tree, in the airing cupboard, at a National Trust property… so many places more appropriate than in his own bed.

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I've wanked over Italy
I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omnibus
I've even had a wank in a train

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 22:10

If it’s just the waking you up part that’s annoying you could do similar eg wake him up with your vibrated or hairdryer or vacuuming the room and tell him it’s the same principle

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 30/08/2025 22:09

YesImaman1100 · 30/08/2025 18:42

Could give him a wee flash or help out?

So you think women are there to flash their bits to please their husband who's woken them up when they probably have to get up for work the next morning? Why is it her responsibility?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 22:08

Also I’d much prefer my (imaginary) husband was getting turned on by me in our bed than a porn actress while he’s on the loo

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 22:07

Whatado · 30/08/2025 18:34

I would have no issue with it at all. We have kids so I wouldn't want him doing it in the shared areas of the house in case they wandered in and I dont particularly want to do it in the en suite so I dont expect him to.

Besides Im asleep and if I wake up its nothing I haven't seen before and no I don't find masterbation gross or disrespectful.

I’m with this one, I’ve done it next to a sleeping PARTNER before.
much prefer this to being woken up due to his boner!

Plastictreees · 30/08/2025 22:02

I wouldn’t be happy with this either. Ultimately he should care enough to respect your feelings about this and not do something which makes you feel uncomfortable.

ThatRareLimeFinch · 30/08/2025 21:59

me personally, this is such a non-issue here.
ive done it to, sometimes ive told him, other times i havent.
ive also woken to him wanking. i just smiled and rolled over and went back to sleep.
its the same bed we have sex in, and its not like ive not seen it before. if thats what he wants to do before he sleeps, so what?

RedRec · 30/08/2025 21:58

And they say romance is dead.

MyCoralHedgehog · 30/08/2025 21:48

BrightLightTonight · 30/08/2025 19:01

I’d join in 😁

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Years ago when I was younger I would too!

shuggles · 30/08/2025 21:40

CaramelGhost · 30/08/2025 20:12

Yeah I can imagine that. Same opinion applies, What's your point sorry?

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How does the same opinion apply? It's her body and her choice. You can't tell her what to do with her own body.

SquishedMallow · 30/08/2025 21:39

PigletSanders · 30/08/2025 21:38

Are you serious? He’s wanking next to her while she’s sleeping? That’s fucking vile.

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Er.... Hate to break it to you...but most women as well as men will have done it.

PigletSanders · 30/08/2025 21:38

Twizzletoe · 30/08/2025 18:31

Why shouldn’t he be comfortable?

Are you serious? He’s wanking next to her while she’s sleeping? That’s fucking vile.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2025 21:35

Petitchat · 30/08/2025 21:24

But he wasn't doing it in front of another person. He thought OP was asleep....

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Not many people are going to stay asleep in a shaking bed for very long.

littlemisspigg · 30/08/2025 21:30

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:39

I think ‘controlling’ is a bit of a stretch. I’m not suggesting that he can’t have a wank, I just don’t want him doing it lying in bed next to me. And especially if it wakes me up.

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Do it back to him, see how he responds.
If he doesn't like you being 'comfortable'...then you can tell him off too...although I have a feeling he probs won't get comfy anymore while in bed with you 😆

TaupeMember · 30/08/2025 21:29

CherrieTomaties · 30/08/2025 21:26

The difference is:

Your husband is okay with you fingering yourself next to him as he sleeps. Perfectly fine.

The OP finds it disrespectful for her husband to wank, shake the bed and heavy breathe whilst at the side of her asleep resulting in her being disturbed and woken up. The OP is perfectly fine to feel this way. Her feelings are valid and she should not be made to feel inferior for this by other women.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with prudishness. And it’s not pearl clutching either. I’d have thought any adult with emotional intelligence and respect would think that.

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Well worded post

True