Page 4 | To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

justabigdisco · 2025-08-30T17:30:07+00:00

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night. I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

SummerFrog25 · 31/08/2025 00:30

KimberleyClark · 30/08/2025 18:31

He’s a disrespectful pig, sorry.

Disagree entirely.

why shouldn't he wank if he wants to, in his bed? He's not pressuring his wife for more sex than she wants, he's taking care of his own needs.

@justabigdisco I'd be annoyed at being woken up (for any reason) so I'd talk to him about not needing to wait until
im asleep & whether you'll help/ cuddle/ignore
nut had doubt he bade ti feel bad about meeting his own needs.

usedtobeaylis · 31/08/2025 00:28

Rosscameasdoody · 30/08/2025 19:12

Why. Do you think a woman needs her partner’s consent to wank in bed next to her husband too ? I’ve done it many times, as I suspect lots of women here have too, and never felt the need to ask ‘permission’ MN is weird sometimes.

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It would just be polite to check the other person doesn't mind would it not? Just assuming and whipping it out is grim.

usedtobeaylis · 31/08/2025 00:26

SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 30/08/2025 18:59

Now if a man had said that he didn’t feel comfortable with his wife masturbating in bed nobody would be calling her a disrespectful pig. In fact everyone would be telling him it’s her body and he should mind his own business. Funny old world Mumsnet.

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No they wouldn't for fuck sake.

usedtobeaylis · 31/08/2025 00:25

People defending him are at it. It's inappropriate to just start wanking beside someone whether they're asleep or awake, and beyond rude to wake them up with it. Come on to fuck.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2025 00:19

ProblemStarbuckshabit · 31/08/2025 00:16

I have been in this situation and vice versa -hubbie has woken up to find me at it!
In my view masturbation is fine - an orgasm can help you relax, sleep etc and helps to reduce prostate cancer in men. We don’t have the energy for sex every night therefore masturbation is a great way of reaching a climax.
It’s not dirty and is something that can be enjoyed together if you can talk about it.

It can be enjoyed together if the other person isn't already asleep.

It isn't dirty and is perfectly fine to do but maybe not if someone is asleep next to you and likely doesn't want to be disturbed.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/08/2025 00:19

TottyMaude · 31/08/2025 00:09

Anyone who thinks their husband/boyfriend is thinking of them while they're wanking is delusional.
Milk maids, stuff they've seen on porn hub, the new girl at work, your sister. But not you love, no matter what he tells you.

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Why would you think that? I've got 20 years of history with DP. If I'm thinking of sex, she's the first person that's coming to mind.

Is it sometimes not DP? Yes. Is it sometimes DP and someone else? Yes. But mostly, it's DP. She's the person I want to sleep with in real life, she's the person I want to sleep with in my fantasies too.

ProblemStarbuckshabit · 31/08/2025 00:16

I have been in this situation and vice versa -hubbie has woken up to find me at it!
In my view masturbation is fine - an orgasm can help you relax, sleep etc and helps to reduce prostate cancer in men. We don’t have the energy for sex every night therefore masturbation is a great way of reaching a climax.
It’s not dirty and is something that can be enjoyed together if you can talk about it.

Ilovegermany · 31/08/2025 00:12

Livpool · 30/08/2025 20:21

Same but we are in the minority

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Probably would have climbed on top.

TottyMaude · 31/08/2025 00:09

localnotail · 30/08/2025 20:04

I think the issue here is that we know that most men dont think about their wives when wanking. And are not interested in them "joining in".

Anyone who thinks their husband/boyfriend is thinking of them while they're wanking is delusional.
Milk maids, stuff they've seen on porn hub, the new girl at work, your sister. But not you love, no matter what he tells you.

TottyMaude · 31/08/2025 00:00

Whatado · 30/08/2025 22:32

I have to laugh the amount of positioning on this thread regarding consent, privacy and boundaries.

Those dont all start and stop at sex, or sexual acts in relationships.

The OP has started a thread on a public forum that regularly gets threads picked up by media or shared on social media and has shared something incredibly private according to some about her spouse that took place in the "privacy" of his own bedroom.

I wonder has there been a discussion if thats OK with him. Does he feel comfortable? Is he happy that his wife is discussing this on line, without him knowing.

I can only imagine the uproar if a woman came on and posted that her husband was posting about her masterbation habits on reddit for example. It would be a 1000 posts of him being absolutely torn to shreds.

incredibly private

Yes, not in front of someone else while they're trying to get some sleep.
And we don't know who he is, do we? So it doesn't matter.
Man needs to take himself off to the spare room.
Dear God! Just let people sleep!

Spiderx · 30/08/2025 23:29

Reminds me of a story my best mate ( male) told me ...he was feeling a bit frisky in bed one night with his wife but she wasn't interested and had turned over and tried to get to sleep . My mate , frustrated and bored ( also with thinning hair) remembered he had read somewhere that massaging your scalp promoted hair growth , so he started to do that . Obviously the bed was moving a bit as he was doing it nd his wife without even turning over just said .." oh that's disgusting" ... !🤣

SqB · 30/08/2025 23:25

I get annoyed being woken up full stop.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2025 23:22

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 23:15

she was obviously asleep when he started and I’m sure he didn’t mean to wake her up. 🙄

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He was making the bed shake and breathing heavily right next her. Of course she was likely to wake up.

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2025 23:15

Its just gross the same bed when your asleep. Take it to the bathroom

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 23:15

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2025 22:52

Wanking isn't a need, sleep is though. Why should DH's ''need'' to wank come before OP's need to sleep?

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she was obviously asleep when he started and I’m sure he didn’t mean to wake her up. 🙄

Bowies · 30/08/2025 23:14

Whatado · 30/08/2025 22:49

People get identified all the time on line. She has absolutely no idea if someone could or already does know who she is. Absolutely nothing online is anonymous really.

So just to be clear then what your saying is consent, boundaries and privacy only matter in some circumstances in a relationship then?

I mean she was asleep, he didn't think she would know. Pretty similar to her taking the risk of posting on here on the assumption no one will know her or him.

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I didn’t say any of that, you did.

I said it was grim, it woke her up which isn’t fair on her.

I can’t see how OP has done anything wrong posting here, otherwise why are you, me, any of us here?

TaupeMember · 30/08/2025 23:14

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:51

yep, we’ve been together 21 years, it’s par for the course these days. Of course sometimes I tell him to hurry up because I’m starting to feel sea sick 😂

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Bleak

Jellywife · 30/08/2025 23:12

Hmm. I think it’s ok as he seemed sheepish and stopped- he obviously assumed you were asleep and wouldn’t know. The bedroom is a private space. Most people get changed in front of their partners and don’t ask their consent before they expose themselves. It’s not like he was flagrantly or aggressively doing it in a sinister way.

NautilusLionfish · 30/08/2025 23:06

@justabigdisco do you ever masturbate? If no, why not? Do you find it gross? If yes, do you ever do it next to him always seeking consent beforehand or do you always go somewhere where you can be alone to do it?

What is it about masturbating next to you that you find gross especially if he wasn't using porn? What does your foreplay involve (granted there is consent in foreplay I guess)

No snark just asking as people have different boundaries and your post has obviously stirred debates. I for one wouldn't find it gross. I might help, join in, or jump him

Thegoadingtoad · 30/08/2025 22:58

Reading the comments on here, its no wonder grindr is full of married men 🙄

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2025 22:52

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:44

Jeez some of the comments 🤦‍♀️ if wanking is grim then so is sex right? He was obviously in need of it. DP does it often, he doesn’t hide it, fine by me, better than him harassing me non stop especially when he has a high sex drive and my libido is low. The only time I have a problem is when I’m trying to read and the bed is shaking 😂.

Wanking isn't a need, sleep is though. Why should DH's ''need'' to wank come before OP's need to sleep?

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:51

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 30/08/2025 22:45

Can you seriously read with someone tossing themselves off next to you?

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yep, we’ve been together 21 years, it’s par for the course these days. Of course sometimes I tell him to hurry up because I’m starting to feel sea sick 😂

Whatado · 30/08/2025 22:49

Bowies · 30/08/2025 22:44

No-one knows who she or her DH are it’s all very non specific.

People usually come here for advice l, that’s what OP did.

OP hasn’t done anything wrong by asking for advice on an anonymous Forum, has she?

Plus there’s a context of patriarchy, it’s not a level playing field.

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People get identified all the time on line. She has absolutely no idea if someone could or already does know who she is. Absolutely nothing online is anonymous really.

So just to be clear then what your saying is consent, boundaries and privacy only matter in some circumstances in a relationship then?

I mean she was asleep, he didn't think she would know. Pretty similar to her taking the risk of posting on here on the assumption no one will know her or him.

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 30/08/2025 22:45

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:44

Jeez some of the comments 🤦‍♀️ if wanking is grim then so is sex right? He was obviously in need of it. DP does it often, he doesn’t hide it, fine by me, better than him harassing me non stop especially when he has a high sex drive and my libido is low. The only time I have a problem is when I’m trying to read and the bed is shaking 😂.

Can you seriously read with someone tossing themselves off next to you?

Choclabratwatowner88 · 30/08/2025 22:45

Charlize43 · 30/08/2025 22:39

What a wanker!

😂😂 I’m taking this as a pun 🤪