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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

364 replies

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:30

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night.

I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

OP posts:
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Spiderx · 27/08/2026 08:48

BauhausOfEliott · 31/08/2025 17:20

Tell him, then.

This wouldn’t bother me. But a) I’m not someone who really minds being woken up occasionally, by anything and b) my partner knows I wouldn’t mind him having a wank. Also I’ve done it myself in bed when he’s been asleep.

If it bothers you, you need to have a conversation about it. It’s absolutely fine for you to request that boundary, but it does require a conversation. I would also have that conversation in a way that made it clear that you aren’t repulsed by the fact that he wanks - if my partner told me that me masturbating at all was gross and disgusting, I’d be rethinking our relationship. But if he said “look, I feel a bit awkward about it and it wakes me up, so maybe it could be a more private thing?” I would obviously not mind and respect his boundary.

I don’t feel it’s as simple as “he’s a disgusting pig and he needs to do it in the bathroom with the door locked and only with his eyes closed while thinking of you and he must ejaculate into a sterile tissue and flush it immediately lest he contaminate the sanctity of the marital home with his repellent man-poison’, which seems to be how quite a lot of Mumsnetters feel about men masturbating.

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Oh gawd ...AT LAST ...the voice of adult reason on this thread, thank you.

Spiderx · 27/08/2026 08:34

TheHateIsNotGood · 21/08/2026 20:27

Man;s gotta do what a man;s gotta do. Don't have a penis myself but understand they have 'hydraulics' and need some relief/pressure releasing every so often.

Probably as inconvenient as having tits and periods. 6 of 1 and all that.

There is also some evidence that regular " relief" reduces the chance of prostate cancer ...so on that alone...!

HumberSquid · 22/08/2026 09:33

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 11:30

They're not having sex. He's wanking beside his sleeping wife. You have incredibly low standards.

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Or quite possibly you are just very odd? Bed is a perfectly normal place to masturbate.

Whatifitallgoesright · 22/08/2026 09:00

I don't see the problem. Maybe he couldn't sleep and a wank would help. Checking with your partner before you have a wank is a bit grim.

daisyydaisyy · 22/08/2026 08:53

BrightLightTonight · 30/08/2025 19:01

I’d join in 😁

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Absolutely same I’d find this quite the turn on!

EstherGreenwood63 · 22/08/2026 08:29

TheHateIsNotGood · 21/08/2026 20:27

Man;s gotta do what a man;s gotta do. Don't have a penis myself but understand they have 'hydraulics' and need some relief/pressure releasing every so often.

Probably as inconvenient as having tits and periods. 6 of 1 and all that.

Chinny etc

TheHateIsNotGood · 21/08/2026 20:27

Man;s gotta do what a man;s gotta do. Don't have a penis myself but understand they have 'hydraulics' and need some relief/pressure releasing every so often.

Probably as inconvenient as having tits and periods. 6 of 1 and all that.

Pedallleur · 21/08/2026 20:20

What happened to posh wanks? Not Victoria but where the man supposedly wanks into a condom.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 21/08/2026 20:11

whitewineandsun · 30/08/2025 18:34

I honestly don't see the problem. It's his bed too, and you were sleeping. But you're bound to get support. People on here seem to think men should hide away in the bathroom like teenage boys.

This

Illegally18 · 21/08/2026 19:28

InterestedDad37 · 30/08/2025 18:59

Call him a wanker and go back to sleep 🙂

😆

PistachioTiramisu · 21/08/2026 19:15

CATomas · 21/08/2026 15:12

You should join in, one way or the other. Make mutual wanking a regular event. Great turn on to watch each other and talk about it.

It really is not - horrible.

PistachioTiramisu · 21/08/2026 19:15

Bloody disgusting - if a man HAS to do this, go to the bathroom Yuck!

EstherGreenwood63 · 21/08/2026 15:56

Herbert alert...

CATomas · 21/08/2026 15:12

You should join in, one way or the other. Make mutual wanking a regular event. Great turn on to watch each other and talk about it.

Damnloginpopup · 22/07/2026 08:18

Just remind him...

To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?
JMSA · 22/07/2026 07:08

I strongly suspect that there’s more to your relationship issues than this. Nothing good comes of a relationship with hugely mismatched sex drives.
Better he’s wanking in bed than having an affair, trust me.
Communication is key here.

LynneJones · 22/07/2026 06:13

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This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

wingsandstrings · 15/05/2026 16:27

To me, wanking next to someone is a sexual act that the other person should consent to. That's why wanking right next to someone is a criminal act in many circumstances. Just because you are doing it next to your partner doesn't, in my view, remove the need to seek consent. Waking up to find him having penetrative sex with you is a criminal act, you need to have given consent whether or not you are his partner. Same follows imho for wanking next to someone. It's happened once to me and i froze and pretended to still be asleep - i love my husband and we have sex, but it still made me feel quite violated. I have no problem with him having a wank in the shower or similar.

CATomas · 15/05/2026 14:47

Why not help him out before going to bed. Be his partner in this.

QuaintPearlScroller · 04/09/2025 11:23

I mean if it bothers you I would mention it I don’t think I would be happy being woken up by that tbh

Phatgurslyms · 04/09/2025 08:28

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:33

Because I’m lying there next to him, sleeping?

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Some people have very low standards. I agree with you, op.

The13thFairy · 02/09/2025 09:34

Masturbating - fine. Waking me up with it - actually having the nerve to prevent me getting enough sleep because he wants a wank - absolutely outrageous.

chaosmaker · 02/09/2025 06:27

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:51

I will do. But wanted to gauge whether I was being unreasonable to find it a bit grim. Hence my AIBU…

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you want to gauge how you feel by running it past a load of strangers on an internet forum?
I'm sure only you can make your own mind up about this.
To me, it would be fine and may have done this myself on occasion.

Auroraofthedawn · 01/09/2025 19:00

Fucking hell that’s disgusting.

Rewis · 01/09/2025 18:49

Poodlelove · 01/09/2025 18:25

What are these men supposed to do if their partners go away for a few days ?
Some people seem to think that a man would wait.
If a man says he doesn't masterbate then I think it has to be a lie.
What if you have been married 20 /30 years ? Do you think that either partner has never masterbated in their life ?

Edited

I haven't seen messages saying men are not allowed masturbate?

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