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Original poster

DS18 might get booted from supported accommodation

114 replies

Baberg · 30/08/2025 14:37

my DS turned 18 last week, he’s been in supported accomadtion for a few months cos i cudnt cope at home anymore. it’s a shared house run by the council with staff around some of the time, they help them learn to live independent and got rules they got to stick to, like curfew and no drink/drugs etc.

it got to the point here i was begging social to take over, he was smashing doors, shouting in my face, stealing from me and the little ones. he nicked my debit card once and spent nearly £100 on weed, i reported it but then dropped it cos i cudn’t face him getting arrested. people will probly say that was stupid but i was scared what he’d do if i didn’t. he’s punched holes in the walls, broken his sisters ipad, brought random girls and lads back at 2am, one time 5 of them sat in the living room smoking weed while my younger 2 was crying in bed. i called the police a few times when it got out of hand, but then felt guilty after and didn’t press charges.

when he moved to supported accomadtion the rules were clear: no guests after 10, curfew 10pm weekdays and midnight weekends, no alcohol or drugs inside, keep noise down, attend meetings with his keyworker, cook and clean his own space. i thought maybe he’d do better with outsiders setting rules cos he don’t listen to me. but i’ve had calls already, he’s sneaking girls in, mates hanging round, loud music, the neighbours complaining. staff found alcohol in his room more than once and say it stinks of weed sometimes. he skips his meetings, refuses to cook or clean, just sits in bed all day on his phone.

worse is some nights he don’t even go back there. i’ll get messages at 3am saying he’s at a mates, or he’ll disappear for two days then roll back in. staff told me they’re not a hotel, he has to follow rules or he’s out. he’s already smashed a door there when they told him off, and they said he’s now on final warning.

part of me feels guilty cos maybe i let him get away with too much when he was younger. i did sometimes give him money even when i knew it would go on weed just to keep the peace. i let him stay out all night cos if i tried to stop him he’d just kick off and i couldn’t face another row. so maybe i made it worse. but at the same time i’ve begged him to behave, begged him to think about his future, and he just laughs in my face.

our relationship now is awful. when he wants something he calls me, when i say no he sends nasty messages. he turned up on my doorstep screaming last month cos i refused to transfer him £20. my younger ones were hiding in their room crying. i didn’t let him in but i sat on the sofa shaking for hours after. i feel like he hates me most of the time.

i’m terrified cos i no if he gets thrown out he’ll come here expecting me to take him in, but i can’t. it nearly broke me last time, i was on antidepressants and i couldn’t keep my younger DC safe. but i can already hear people saying “he’s only just turned 18, how can you let your son be homeless?” and i don’t no how i’ll live with myself if he ends up sofa surfing or worse.

AIBU to say he can’t come back here if he gets kicked out? i feel like the worst mum in the world but i carnt go back to that life, my younger DC need peace and safety.

OP posts:
amyds2104 · 30/08/2025 17:59

This sounds really hard op and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I think if you cave then you need to find someone else to looks after your younger ones because you do have to choose between you children and your adult child and that’s so hard.

You need to make the decision now about what you will do and DO NOT under any circumstances say “ok but just for one night” because one night is going to achieve nothing for your son and cause you nothing but hell. My friend did this in similar circumstances and the son refused to leave. It lasted 3 days and cost £1000s in damages and the only way the son left was when the police was called. Also massively impacted her relationship with the other children who were furious about what she put them through.

One night is not going to make housing magically appear. It’s for the professionals to help your son not you now.

AdeptQuail · 30/08/2025 17:51

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EmeraldDreams73 · 30/08/2025 17:47

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You've clearly tried everything in your power but as everyone's already said, it's down to him now. The sooner boundaries are put in place and stuck to no matter what, the faster he will learn IF he is going to. Not putting boundaries in will not make you a good mother - while totally understandable in terms of feelings, it's the opposite.

I really feel for you as it's a hideous situation but please do show your younger kids that it's not ok and that you will keep them safe.

ns87 · 30/08/2025 17:47

Resources are tight, and GPs and schools can only do so much, a parent has to take responsibility. If he's over 18, it's down to him.

If he's unsafe, he needs to stay away from your other children. He's smoking weed and acting like a brat, but yet he's getting handouts and accommodation, he has no reason to change.

OneWilde · 30/08/2025 17:43

Just seen your other posts, if he wants to meet ‘say I’d love to meet you for a stroll around X, but just so you know I’m skint.

If he says he needs food, say you’ll have to get a food bank referral, call citizens advice/ talk to sheltered housing etc….’
He ruined his own life through his own choices, don’t let him manipulate you. He’s going to have to learn, and pandering to him won’t help him learn.

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 17:43

There’s another mum on here who’s gone though hell with her daughter though Ex is or was involved. She tried helping get he child
to College, tried to get mentalhealth help . Child blamed everything on mum she was a this and that. Pretty sure she smoked weed too. Started in the schools years and the lot op has been dragged though it. None of it’s helped because adult child doesn’t want to take part.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4557571-permanent-exclusion-how-do-i-find-a-new-school-that-will-take-an-excluded-child?postsby=Alwaystoblame

OneWilde · 30/08/2025 17:38

You absolutely can not allow him into your home. You’ve younger children to think about, who might end up in foster care due to unsafe home.

If he’s on the streets, he’s solely responsible for that. He knew the rules. Tell the supported accommodation if they don’t stop contacting you when he’s broken the rules, you’ll block their number/ email. He’s an adult making choices and you’ve had no control over what he does for quite some time.

Thelnebriati · 30/08/2025 17:36

I really feel for you, you can't force kids to toe the line if they are determined not to.
Boundaries are something you put in place to protect yourself and your younger kids, they don't magically change problem behaviours in someone else.

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 17:35

Sometimes tough love is the love a adult child
needs. You have to let them get on with it and hit rock bottom to see right from wrong and fix themselves. Only they can do it.

supportergirl · 30/08/2025 17:34

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2025 16:12

Since it's a council run supported living place Social Services will presumably have been told about all this, so I doubt he'll be made homeless if they evict him.
Most likely he'll be found a place in a hostel, though I believe they're not actually obliged to do this if the eviction's the tenant's fault

They'll very likely tell you he'll be homeless though, in an attempt to make him your problem instead, so personally I'd get in first and make it VERY lear to them that returning to you isn't an option

Council has no duty to someone who's been kicked out of council for 4 weeks, so he will be homeless for 4 weeks before being out in hostel

freerangethighs · 30/08/2025 17:30

He can't come back to you. He can't be trusted to follow house rules even just enough to keep the rest of the household safe; he's used up his chances. (The only way it would be possible is if the younger children had somewhere safe to go long term and on an open-ended basis, like their dad or perhaps a close relative. It doesn't sound like that's an option.)

Is there any chance your son is TRYING to get evicted from his current housing, either expecting he can come home or perhaps hoping that he'll be invited to stay somewhere else - dad, friends, grandparents, a different facility)? He needs to understand that throwing away the chance he has now at the supported accom is going to leave him with even fewer choices and even more rules imposed from outside by strangers. You shouldn't be the only person telling him this; whoever arranged his going to the shelter and whoever is formally in charge of him there need to understand he's out of options and tell him clearly what he needs to do to stay.

GameWheelsAlarm · 30/08/2025 17:30

Yanbu. You need to protect your younger children and he needs to deal with the consequences of his decisions. Getting made homeless or getting a jail sentence isn't a disaster - it sounds like he needs a shock like that to start behaving reasonably. He needs to know that he can't treat everyone like shit then turn up on your doorstep and make it your problem. It is ok to say no.

Dragonflydancer · 30/08/2025 17:30

I read your update and I'll say it again: its time to hand this over to your ex as his problem to fix

ClaredeBear · 30/08/2025 17:30

He behaves like this because he’s learnt that it gets him what he wants. That’s the reason. It’s not because he deserves what he’s demanding, or because you’re a bad mum. You need to think of your younger children now but I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and I wish I had advice other than don’t let him in but I don’t.

NewDogOwner · 30/08/2025 17:29

Can you get SS to tell you/ supported living that he can't come back to yours due to safety concerns then it isn't you being the bad guy?

Mummykelly78 · 30/08/2025 17:28

Hi x sending you a hug firstly, because it’s shite ! One of our children has bpd , autism and adhd , and due to unsafe behaviour is going into supported living. It’s brutal, heartbreaking and we are our own critics . Child is 22 now, and finally , there is a glimmer of hope. Child needs very firm boundaries, and that has been the only thing I can do. If your child is choosing to buy weed etc instead of food; that’s a them problem ; you can only advise .
there are many times I’ve had to tell our child to call back when they are going to be respectful etc, and it’s killed me inside each time, and will continue too. We equally have others at home . There is no quick solution, but the sooner you put boundaries in the sooner your child will improve xx

Original poster
Baberg · 30/08/2025 17:28

he doesn’t have a key so he can’t just walk in, but i’ve spoken to him about what would happen if he got kicked out. i told him straight that he can’t come back here, we need to keep the younger dc safe, and he’d have to sort himself out somewhere else. he didn’t really take it in, just shrugged.

to give you a bit of history, i split with his dad while i was pregnant with the youngest, but tbh he wasn’t really hands-on even when he was living here. he had an affair and DS always blamed me, said it was my fault our dad left him, and around the same time he was getting bullied at school. he was 13 and that’s when i noticed his behaviour really change, became angry all the time, started sneaking off with older lads.

i tried getting help via the school when the bullying happened but they just accepted it was “banter” and didn’t punish the boys. i tried to get him into a 14+ college after that, he made progress academically but at home it was like nothing changed, just worse and worse.

i tried getting him to the GP for his mental health, especially when he said he was tired all the time, really low mood sometimes, but they brushed it off and told him to go to bed earlier, acted like we were wasting their time. i felt helpless, like no-one took him seriously.

his sister is a year younger than him and i know it’s not her job, but she tried to help. she’d include him in hangouts with her friends, tried to keep him involved, but then he fancied one of them. he told her by giving her flowers in front of everyone, she didn’t feel the same, and he took it badly. he said they were all laughing at him, got angry, then smashed DD’s iPad. after that he and his sister barely speak, she doesn’t want anything to do with him now, and that really breaks my heart.

i’ve told him i’ll go with him to the GP or drug services if he wants, i’ll even make the appointments, but he won’t. he says cannabis isn’t a drug, everyone smokes it, and i’m overreacting. he doesn’t see it as a problem and refuses any help, even though it’s clearly at the root of so much of his anger and behaviour.

i just don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve tried everything, from talking to school, college, GP, social services, even trying to be the “cool” mum so he’d open up. nothing works. and now i’m left worrying if he gets kicked out what will happen next, cos he’s not ready to live alone and he refuses to accept any support.

OP posts:
Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 30/08/2025 17:25

Baberg · 30/08/2025 15:14

his dad isn’t really on the scene, pops up once a year if that and wouldn't have him when this all started so its all been on me really. DS gets UC now but just wastes it, he blows it on weed and vapes and god knows what else then comes asking me for food money. when i say no he kicks off, sends me messages saying i “sent him away” and ruined his life. he says living in the accomadtion is worse than being at home with me, apparently staff go in his room and even took his condoms?? i dont no if i believe half of what he says tbh, he makes things up to get a reaction.

i met up with him last week in town, he wanted me to buy him expensive trainers. i said no cos i just cant afford it and he flew off the handle in the middle of the high street, shouting at me that im a crap mum and i only care about the little ones. i ended up walking away crying, people were staring, it was horrible.

i no i need to be strong but its so hard when its your own kid. i keep telling myself the younger DC have to come first now, they deserve a safe home. but the guilt is eating me alive.

The only person ruining his life
Is himself.
He's on the verge of fucking up the supported accommodation and it will be someone else's fault.
He's an entitled brat and it's going to catch-up with him.
Do not take him back in!!

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 17:23

Block the shared homes number.

Let social services know that under no circumstances will be allowed in your home it’s not his home and you have young children to safeguard from a violent adult male.

Change your locks if you haven’t. If you feel the mum guilt to help when he says he has no food. Order him a food shop no cash.

Dragonflydancer · 30/08/2025 17:22

Why can't you call his dad... Get your exs family to call.your ex....

Get him involved.

Why are men today still allowed to do this?

You say he isnt in their lives - make it his problem?

Glassmatt · 30/08/2025 17:21

Sounds like a pain in the arse! He’ll have to get on with it and realise the consequences of his actions. If there is no medical/ND reasons for him acting this way then I have no sympathy. You need to look after your younger children and keep them
safe

rainbowsparkle28 · 30/08/2025 17:16

As hard as it is you cannot allow him back. Your younger children need to be safeguarded and he is now an adult ultimately. Your other children are children and have to come first. I would also be saying the same to the accommodation - do not contact you. If they are concerned then they need to be contacting emergency services or another trusted party as you are not legally responsible for him now he is 18, as hard as that is.

DurinsBane · 30/08/2025 17:13

No ideas I’m afraid, but I’m sorry you are going through that

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/08/2025 17:08

YANBU - he is 18, the younger kids need protecting.

SereneCoralDog · 30/08/2025 16:52

When did it go so badly wrong with him op?

There's already plenty of advice on the thread of what to do right now - but I would honestly also dig deep and focus on when this started. To try and take a preventative approach with the other dc and stop this happening again.

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