DS18 might get booted from supported accommodation

Your son has a drug habit, and has probably had the habit for several years. Cannabis can cause MH issues, mood swings, depression etc. However, if a person already has MH issues, it will make it much worse. You can't force your son to seek drug support, he has to want to stop himself. At the moment he thinks the weed is harmless, and he can't see that he has a problem. Unfortunately, excessive weed use,can lead to harder/stronger drug taking and/or alcohol abuse. He's not making good choices, and some of it will be down to immaturity but the rest is drug fueled. Therapy and drug support is needed, but it won't work if he refuses to engage. Your priority has to be your younger children. They need a safe home, and if your son moves back, they won't have that. You are going to have to be strong and refuse to have your son back home. If that means you need to call the police, and press charges, then that's what you must do.

Can you buy him a bus pass on the bus app that he can use on his phone? You could buy him a week long one that he then can't sell or lose. Most of the major bus companies do these now. He's got a phone for Snapchat use so don't see why he can't use it for a bus ticket.

Him talking to your eldest dd. It may be worth getting her some support or just linking her to resources about drug addiction. There are good ones for family of addicts, perhaps have a look what's in your area for you and for her. I know a friend got their teens support in a similar situation. Also, she needs to know not to lend him cash or let him in the house when you're out. 😔

Can he walk to the job centre? How far is it?

Do the buses around you do multi journey tickets? So you could buy him a card for 20 journeys? You’re right, just giving him money won’t help, but this way you are still supporting him.

I fear you are going to have to stay strong and he can’t come home. His behaviour won’t improve and will probably get worse if you do.

Don’t lose hope, he might just have to go through the angry young man stage and come back to the son you recognise from before. Lots of parents dismiss the damaging effects of weed and alcohol and the divorce so will try to pin all the blame on you (remember women are the reason all men behave badly according to some) but best parenting in the world won’t stop some going off the rails, and no one does best parenting all the time, we are all fallible and make mistakes.

He sounds mentally very unwell to me. How on earth and when did it all start to go so wrong for him?
What was his past like?
I agree that you cannot have him home, but there has to be a backstory for him to be this fucked up.

That is such a compassionate and well-written post @smallpinecone.

I think your priority should be to protect your children, the ones who are still children. You can still support your son by helping him find alternative accommodation when he is evicted. If you're the poster who has posted about this situation before though, I'm not sure you're able or willing to do this.

I mean this kindly OP, because I know you’re in a tough spot, and I have a son the same age, so you have all my sympathy.

A lot of your posts focus on your feelings, and how it makes you feel when he calls you a bad mum. Tough love doesn’t mean just tough for him - it means it’s tough for you, as well.

Using the trainers as an example - if you’d actually had the money for them, would you have bought them? Maybe. But if you had, it would have been for your benefit, really. It would have made you feel better. It wouldn’t have helped him. Sure, he would have had a new pair of trainers, and that’s nice. But you would have been doing him a disservice, really; teaching him that he can bully you into buying him things, and you’ll do it, because it makes you feel better. Do you see what I mean?

We can’t always be our children’s friends, and the object in being a parent isn’t that they like us all the time. Sometimes they won’t. There’s no way around that. You seem to be making decisions not based on what’s right for him, but on how it makes you feel. A parent won’t feel good about every decision they make - you can be sad about doing something, while still recognising that the child still needs to learn from the experience.

In the nicest way - please don’t enable him to behave badly because it makes you feel better, or because it’s easier not to put up a fight. He needs to learn that his behaviour isn’t making him happy, or anyone around him, and you can’t try and tolerate it because you think it’ll make his life (and yours) easier. It won’t. You’d be doing him a disservice. He’s so young, and he can turn this around. You can be there for him, love him and support him while not allowing him to live with you and your younger children.

He cannot come back, you have to keep your younger children safe and they won’t be with him around

also no you're not a bad mum for not letting him back in your life at 18. he can find shelters

Hugs. my 16 Yr old was in a similar service. not the same level of behaviour but there was violence and reckless behaviour. he was lazing around and doing nothing productive in his old placement but has been better jn his current one.

i wouldn't let him back if inwere you. hasn't learned responsibility.

I hope you succeed in safeguarding the younger children. It's hard but he'll have to find out for himself that he can't do as he pleases.

Poor kids. They need boundaries.

No op never let him back. You need to make clear to him now that he is never coming back to the house if he gets kicked out of his supported accommodation. Tell him straight the little ones are more important than him now and he ruined any changes he had when living with you.

Are you able to move home? Might be harsh, but would be best if he doesn't have your address. Change your number but call him weekly from a private number. Only start seeing him again once he's matured and starts doing something with his life.

Sad situation op, but you have to protect your little ones and yourself.

And that helps OP how exactly? You sound somewhat pass-agg. Not having a good day?

She can post whenever she wants.

Ah, okay - so I guess it'll have to be sofa surfing with one of his druggie mates

Hardly ideal, but a damned sight better than putting two more children at risk

As soon as you said about the trainers my first thought was he will probably think he can sell them, then in a later post I found I was right.

He's a drug addict. Giving him cash or anything of monetary value is just the same as handing him more weed.

Invite him to meet you for a flask of coffee in the park or or the library, something like that. Something free. Make it clear you can make time and company for him, but only in a neutral space and no money will be spent or provided.

If he asks for money give him print outs or text info on food banks, community pantries, citizens advice etc.

Do not let him back home. Don't waver on that.

I'd also ask his housing to only contact you if he's been missing more than 12 hours after curfew or something like that. Explain if it's late you are likely putting the younger kids to bed or asleep yourself. It must be making you anxious getting these calls and it's pointless. All it will do is stress you. I'd also make it clear to him and his current place that if he's kicked out he still won't be allowed home.

@Baberg there are some harsh realities here. Whatever has or hasn't happened in the past, ds is a drug addict, thinks the world owes him an easy ride and makes wilful awful choices. He has no interest in using the opportunities offered to support him in making better choices. The likelihood is that he will end up homeless or in prison. You have younger children that need protecting from his behaviour and that has to be the priority now. To do that you have to protect yourself from his verbal and physical abuse. A horrible situation but he is an adult now and responsible for it.