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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

62 replies

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 13:52

We've just had a family holiday away. Me, husband, toddler, Mum, my brother and BIL. My Mum offered to pay for the accomadation out of some inheritance from our Dad who passed away a few months ago. It was a very nice cottage.

It was a lovely holiday except BIL refused to share the cost of things and insisted on paying for everything himself.

Eg. BIL did a large supermarket shop over £100 and refused us paying half. At a family meal out BIL jumped up before the meal had ended and paid for us all even though we'd agreed beforehand we would pay this time as a thank you to Mum. Again at the chippy BIL tried to pay for us all over £40 and then got in a huff when my husband declined and said we'd pay for ourselves.

It seems like a silly thing to be arguing about but we are more than happy to pay our share and he seemd to huff and puff putting the shopping away or after the meal and said to my brother we weren't being grateful despite refusing any contribution.

This was our only holiday and it was spoilt a bit with BIL sulking and being quiet. Brother and BIL have another holiday planned.

YABU - just be glad you've saved some money
YANBU - it is rude to constantly refuse to share the cost of things

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 30/08/2025 16:06

Sometimes if people earn quite a lot more or have a lot more money it can feel uncomfortable splitting it.
I very often pay or pay more if I’m out with my close friend who’s struggling for money. I just want it to be one less thing she has to find the money for and I love her company, enjoy the time together and want to pay.

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2025 16:01

Is he Irish? Iv literally seen fights over people beyond to pay the whole bill?

WickedElpheba · 30/08/2025 15:59

Are they British OP?

In some cultures this is the norm
so could be that or be could just want to pay his way

mindutopia · 30/08/2025 15:49

Absolutely there are people who do it as a power move. It’s about one upping everyone and making them feel small and themselves big. Only you know if your sister and him decided they wanted to cover these costs to say thank you to your mum for her generosity in booking the holiday, or if it was a dick wagging exercise.

I have family (my side) who are very much like this, all very Mr Big Dick about paying and then make comments about everyone else’s ability to pay. My stepdad even gave me his credit card details once “just in case” I needed them to buy my mum a birthday present. I was a 40 year old professional woman with plenty of money, who could buy my mum whatever I wanted. 🙄 But some people like to think very highly of themselves.

Now dh’s family 😂 gosh, I wish someone would put their hand in their pocket. We do all the hosting. All the buying of food and drink. A whole house full at Christmas, for a week. Every occasion happens at our house. I can remember one time, 3 years ago, when BIL bought us a round of drinks to say thank you. That may or may not have been the year they contributed 2 bags of crisps to the food for the week for 7 of us.

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 15:21

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 30/08/2025 14:06

Yes, it's the getting huffy, or regularly secretly paying that's rude/patronising rather than the offering to pay.

Some people are inclined to be over generous just as childhood conditioning (I am) - but if someone says no they say no.

Given he was sulking he's being controlling and rude.

Show quote history

Yes it felt a bit controlling. It made us feel like we owed him money the entire holiday especially when he said he thought we were ungrateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 15:20

SpiralSpiritSocks · 30/08/2025 13:58

We had family members that never ever let us pay, to the extent of sneaking off and paying the bill secretly.

They meant to be generous but it felt patronising.

We ended up going out to dinner with them less than we would have otherwise.

I think you've summed it up well. It seemed patronising.
My BIL does earn more than us, but we are definitely not struggling to pay for things and want to pay our way and didn't expect him to pay for so many things.
It seemed to reduce our enjoyment because we felt like we owed him the entire holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 15:16

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 14:10

I couldn't ever see generosity as rude. But did he really act in a huff and be genuinely pissed that you and your husband paid for that thing? That part is rude and weird.

Yes. He told my brother we were ungrateful he offered to pay for the chippy. And that we were ungrateful he paid for shopping and meal despite us offering to go halves. And we did say thank you after.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 14:10

I couldn't ever see generosity as rude. But did he really act in a huff and be genuinely pissed that you and your husband paid for that thing? That part is rude and weird.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 30/08/2025 14:06

SpiralSpiritSocks · 30/08/2025 13:58

We had family members that never ever let us pay, to the extent of sneaking off and paying the bill secretly.

They meant to be generous but it felt patronising.

We ended up going out to dinner with them less than we would have otherwise.

Yes, it's the getting huffy, or regularly secretly paying that's rude/patronising rather than the offering to pay.

Some people are inclined to be over generous just as childhood conditioning (I am) - but if someone says no they say no.

Given he was sulking he's being controlling and rude.

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2025 14:02

You think he was rude to want to pay? Interesting take on someone’s (supposed?) generosity. I think he was rude to sulk, I mean, get over it! Does he have more disposable income or wanted to treat you? Would he expect you to pay next time?

SpiralSpiritSocks · 30/08/2025 13:58

We had family members that never ever let us pay, to the extent of sneaking off and paying the bill secretly.

They meant to be generous but it felt patronising.

We ended up going out to dinner with them less than we would have otherwise.

DeeKitch · 30/08/2025 13:57

I’d be incredibly grateful and he wants to offer so he feels he’s helped out