AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

As an in-law, not the son of your father, he probably wanted to show his gratitude to your mother for her generosity for the holiday.

You were being awkward and ungracious. It is a form of kindness and generosity to accept someone else’s generosity with a good grace.

Your reaction suggests you are defensive and touchy about your ability to pay. That’s your problem, not your BiL’s.

'He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.'

Interesting take on it. Another is he's been invited on a free holiday and wants to show kindness and generosity to a grieving family. He's also Spanish which makes a difference.

He'd forced the situation of him buying the shop and the meal. Then wanted gratitude. If you aren't happy with someone paying, but they insist, you don't owe any gratitude. The OP has lost her Dad, the Mum has paid out of inheritance, that's a very different situation. The BIL has now caused awkwardness, when it could have been simple. He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.

If I did a food shop on a holiday someone had kindly treated the family to there is no way I would expect people to split it and quibble about paying me back. I can understand why your BIL did this.

The update about the fish and chips scenario makes you sound a little petty quibbling about what you should pay for.
Your BIL had already paid for some stuff at this point and you didn't include his meal or even offer to pay for your Mums despite her paying for the holiday.

So he’d bought a full shop and a meal and offered to get the fish and chips……but you said ‘no we will get ours’. So you paid for your dc, dh and yourself but didn’t offered to get your DB and his DP or DM, just your own? Well I think you’re very rude.

This

Admittedly we should have offered to buy Mum's lunch.

This jumps out a bit. Along with the fact that you didn't just offer to pay for BIL and DB's lunch - because of some small saving? Tbf I can imagine finding that sort of hesitancy/quibbling irritating when you're in the middle of a free holiday.

Where was this holiday?

He was just doing the Spanish hospitality. Your reactions of no, no, we can pay our own would be considered rude and a message to BIL that he isn’t part of the family but a barely tolerated interloper. You didn’t say no, no we can pay towards the cottage to your mum did you? Or feel she “ruined” the entire holiday by paying for the cottage herself?

I cannot fathom how BIL “ruined” your holiday simply acting like any family member would.

I think youhave a chip on your shoulder about paying your own way and you don’t view BIL as a full family member. I also agree with death stare above that you were incredibly rude to not pay for their fish and chips.

So at this point, your BIL had paid for a supermarket shop and a meal. He then offered to pay for fish and chips, and you insisted on paying but not for him and his husband?

If I've understood that right, I think you were unbelievably rude. Either graciously accept his offer to pay for everyone getting fish and chips or you pay for everyone. Paying for everyone except him and his husband- after he had paid for stuff twice - was really rude and a real snub. In his shoes I'd have thought you were ungrateful too - and it's not about expecting swooning thanks, but paying for everyone getting fish and chips except him and his husband? Just no.

This is a great point.

It does seem to be a power play, why not just offer and then be gracious if not accepted. BUT. It's actually a much more acute dilemma when you find yourself constantly hosting with no offer to share expenses.

I'd accept at times and then others say, "no, it's our turn" and see what happens. If he doesn't accept, that's getting trying. It's not his holiday to bestow upon you, it's a joint venture with your mum that he's a guest of, and you want to hold some of the reins.

I think everyone who says you are being unreasonable has not experienced this in the context you describe. I have - once - and it felt like a power grab; like the person wanted us to feel indebted to him. Of course it's lovely to offer to pay but you should also sense when your companions would prefer to pay once they feel accepting any more would be taking the piss. The fact he was sulking is very telling that it was a power/status thing rather than pure generosity.

But you didn't pay for his fish and chips so how can you say you felt you owed him?

He probably felt awkward, he's on a free holiday at your mother's expense, you have DC and they dont, he earns more than you. I would feel awkward splitting a £40 fish and chips with family anyway, let alone on a free holiday

But if he was happy to keep paying they didn't owe him did they?
If he was a genuinely lovely guy it's a shame you couldn't just accept it.

I had a friend who dod this and, whilst initially viewing it as kind and generous, it did become annoying. the group dynamics became unbalanced as people felt like they owed Mr Generous. The same friend would often comment on the earnings of people in the group during 1 on 1 chats eg - "we need to cover xx's meal because they only earn min wage." Or he'd buy all drinks on a night out, we'd then feel obliged to drink according to his pace (he'd constantly show up at the table with rounds of drinks and shots) I used to feel guilty refusing them!

He was a genuinely lovely guy and had no idea how insulted or pressured our mutual friends felt when he insisted on paying. It was just his way. Meanwhile the others would chat amongst themselves about how annoyed they were not to be "allowed" to pay. It got very awkward and eventually - after we gently spoke to him about it - the generous guy has drifted apart from the rest of the group because he couldn't understand why we weren't just grateful. Such a shame.

I actually hate it when people offer to buy things and don't take no as an answer. I find it really awkward. Obviously it's all circumstantial and is great fully accepted but sometimes it feels like you are being forced into accepting it wether you want to or not. Also it makes you feel like you can't pay your way or people feel you can't.

Edited to add -

If me and my friends or family go out, maybe I'll pay for transport, someone else will pay for the first drink. Or family will treat us to a takeaway or vice versa so it's not that we don't accept it. It's just sometimes it's forced and feels very uncomfortable

I do exactly the same. It feels so weird to me that anyone wouldn’t just say thank you.

Money is such an emotive issue and I can totally see why you are pissed off. If he’s doing it to be the “big man” and expects fawning gratitude and thanks, when you don’t even want him to pay, that’s not nice and honestly? A bit odd of him!
On the other side of this though is mine and DHs families - both sides. We would both need a lie down if either side ever offered to pay for anything 🤣🤣🤣

Preposterous he could say offering to pay your own way is being ungrateful. It's the opposite.

If someone offers you something and you can afford it yourself, the default should be 'oh no, don't worry, I'll get it.' Or 'oh no, you got the shopping so it's our turn'.

So yeah he's a knob end.

I get both sides. You feel uncomfortable that he's made you feel indebted to him. He wanted to do a nice thing and felt like it wasn't appreciated. Is he generally reasonable ? If so a good talk may be enough to fix the awkwardness.

Did you split the fish and chips or did you pay for it all?
Because I'd be annoyed if someone insisted on splitting a fish and chips I'd offered to pay for. Did you pay for your mums share?

It's either one of two options in these situations (providing you put up a reasonable protest"

1. they are being kind and generous. Fine feel free
2. it's a bit patronising, in which case more fool them I'll enjoy my free fish and chips 🤷🏼‍♀️