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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

62 replies

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 13:52

We've just had a family holiday away. Me, husband, toddler, Mum, my brother and BIL. My Mum offered to pay for the accomadation out of some inheritance from our Dad who passed away a few months ago. It was a very nice cottage.

It was a lovely holiday except BIL refused to share the cost of things and insisted on paying for everything himself.

Eg. BIL did a large supermarket shop over £100 and refused us paying half. At a family meal out BIL jumped up before the meal had ended and paid for us all even though we'd agreed beforehand we would pay this time as a thank you to Mum. Again at the chippy BIL tried to pay for us all over £40 and then got in a huff when my husband declined and said we'd pay for ourselves.

It seems like a silly thing to be arguing about but we are more than happy to pay our share and he seemd to huff and puff putting the shopping away or after the meal and said to my brother we weren't being grateful despite refusing any contribution.

This was our only holiday and it was spoilt a bit with BIL sulking and being quiet. Brother and BIL have another holiday planned.

YABU - just be glad you've saved some money
YANBU - it is rude to constantly refuse to share the cost of things

OP posts:
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RoverReturn · 31/08/2025 13:01

Sounds like the issue is that BIL wants to be profusely thanked forever more?

Annoying.

Kurkara · 31/08/2025 12:54

If I had my holiday accommodation paid for in full by my MiL I would feel indebted to her. And if I noticed that the family tradition of everyone chipping in meant she was paying on top of that for her own food and shopping I would absolutely start jumping in and paying for everyone before any bills could be split.
You not paying for your mum's panini sticks out to me. It's lovely that your BiL has paid for so many of her meals and supplies on this holiday that she generously gave you all.

PinkArt · 31/08/2025 12:13

Where is your brother in all this? Why has anything reached the point where it's becoming an issue between his husband and his sister? Did your brother want it to be his families contribution to the holiday, or was BIL acting separately to him?
It sounds like the BIL just wanted to do a nice thing for his grieving extended family though. If I was the highest earner on a free holiday, I'd want to cover a lot of the day to day costs too as my way to contribute and say thank you. He should have stepped back when it became apparent this was causing an issue but it sounds like it came from a good place initially.

PinkArt · 31/08/2025 12:10

Where is your brother in all this? Why has anything reached the point where it's becoming an issue between his husband and his sister? Did your brother want it to be his families contribution to the holiday, or was BIL acting separately to him?
It sounds like the BIL just wanted to do a nice thing for his grieving extended family though. If I was the highest earner on a free holiday, I'd want to cover a lot of the day to day costs too as my way to contribute and say thank you. He should have stepped back when it became apparent this was causing an issue but it sounds like it came from a good place initially.

PoppyRoseBucky · 31/08/2025 12:04

Hm, I can, in a way, see why it would be a little overwhelming/much if someone keeps trying to pay for everything, despite being able to afford to pay your own way or contribute in an equal fashion.

However, I don't necessarily think of this as him being "rude" or "controlling" as some PP's have tried to claim it. I think it could be a cultural difference and it may be how he feels comfortable and like he's contributing towards a free holiday and showing gratitude.

I think some PP's and the OP are reading too much into it and too negatively rather than seeing it as generosity and kindness. That doesn't mean you have to necessarily accept it but I don't think it's fair to run around calling someone who may just be following cultural norms and trying to be generous "playing Billy Big Bollocks," etc.

I think it was rude of the OP to not pay for the fish and chips for everyone. Now that is rude.

Some people really don't enjoy quibbling over the bill or getting out calculators over who owes what, especially fi they feel they can afford to cover it. I'd take it in the spirt that it's intended and stop trying to read too much into it and put a negative spin on it.

It doesn't sound like he was lording it over everyone and using the fact that he'd paid to control or dictate the holiday in any way.

pinotnow · 31/08/2025 12:03

I also think it's relevant to know how well you know him (apologies if I've missed this info) - does he always do this or is it your first trip with him? Is he pretty well off and would feel uncomfortable allowing others to pay for him, especially if you also have kids and he doesn't. Also, did you speak to your brother about it so he could perhaps have had a quiet word and said there's no need to pay for everything and Happy and her dh would like to get the next meal?

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 11:56

Maybe stop repeating the offers when you know full well they’ll be declined. You’ve made money an issue, not him.

Createausername1970 · 31/08/2025 11:51

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 05:33

So he’d bought a full shop and a meal and offered to get the fish and chips……but you said ‘no we will get ours’. So you paid for your dc, dh and yourself but didn’t offered to get your DB and his DP or DM, just your own? Well I think you’re very rude.

This.

It comes across a penny pinching. I know it isn't, OP, because you were trying to pay your way and not keep accepting his money, but there were better ways of going about it, it was badly done.

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 11:28

ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 10:49

The issue seems to be that you just don’t like him. You’re very defensive and judgemental. Accept with grace - you’re showing yourself up to be quite narrow minded and judgemental.

Am I being judgemental? Or just fed up at having our offers of paying alternatively or going halves declined repeatedly and then having a sulky BIL in a huff because we didn't say thank you enough? How many times should you say thank you for something?
I wouldn't say I'm narrow minded either. This was just one part of a holiday which we enjoyed and had some very happy memories.
Money became an issue whilst on previous holidays before BIL we've all chipped in as a family and it hasn't been a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 11:11

LeafyLou · 31/08/2025 10:44

I would just automatically transfer money into his bank account as you only need a mobile number for this. Then you can say after transferring, “Thanks so much for paying but I’ve just transferred X money into your account to cover our share.”

I didn't know you could do this with a phone number. Thank you

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 10:49

The issue seems to be that you just don’t like him. You’re very defensive and judgemental. Accept with grace - you’re showing yourself up to be quite narrow minded and judgemental.

LeafyLou · 31/08/2025 10:44

I would just automatically transfer money into his bank account as you only need a mobile number for this. Then you can say after transferring, “Thanks so much for paying but I’ve just transferred X money into your account to cover our share.”

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 10:31

DiscoBob · 31/08/2025 10:29

Well that is not generosity. It's controlling and weird. What a fucking arse!

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It’s only controlling if you let it be.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 10:30

@childofthe607080s they did say thank you, but it wasn't enough.

DiscoBob · 31/08/2025 10:29

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 22:53

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Perhaps if he didn't want to go halves on things we could have taken turns with him paying one day and us another, but he was insisting to pay for everything even though we can afford it. Made us feel like we owed him the whole holiday.

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Well that is not generosity. It's controlling and weird. What a fucking arse!

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 10:27

@Blushingm the OP has said he was huffing and puffing about not getting enough gratitude. It should have been simple, Dad died, Mum decided to use inheritance for a family get-together, which is quite usual. Everyone chips in for their own food. One person, an in law, has spoilt it. It wasn't appropriate, it wasn't needed and it certainly wasn't wanted, he wanted to shift the focus on how great he was. The focus was being together after the OP's dad dying.

Anywherebuthere · 31/08/2025 09:46

I know what you mean OP. Excessive generosity from people begins to feel like a burden. And you feel forcefully indebted to them even though you are perfectly capable of paying your way.

I'm always happy to host/pay for people but I wouldn't sulk and ruin it if they refused my offer.

childofthe607080s · 31/08/2025 09:40

The correct thing is to say thank you and are you sure

his generosity lost its sheen because you seem determined to undermine it

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 09:33

I'm surprised YABU is in the majority. Does no one think that BIL repeatedly refusing our offer to pay, alternate paying for things or at least go halves as rude? His generosity lost it's sheen with him being so bossy about paying for things and then going in a huff and saying we were ungrateful even though we said thank you.
He didn't need to show us Spanish hospitality as he wasn't hosting us, he was a guest invited like we were on a holiday arranged by Mum. Had we be in Spain I think the dynamics would have been different and we would have accepted him paying for more as he was hsoting, but we would still try and pay for some things to keep it even and show we appreciated it.

OP posts:
Blushingm · 31/08/2025 09:32

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 05:52

He'd forced the situation of him buying the shop and the meal. Then wanted gratitude. If you aren't happy with someone paying, but they insist, you don't owe any gratitude. The OP has lost her Dad, the Mum has paid out of inheritance, that's a very different situation. The BIL has now caused awkwardness, when it could have been simple. He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.

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No where does it say he expected huge amounts of gratitude

OP declined his offer and only paid for her own - she should’ve accepted his offer or paid for everyone’s…….its petty to just pay for a little bit. Mum paid for hols, bil paid for all shopping. Just pay for all the chips! Makes it awkward to make everyone split the bill - the bil, the mum and the chippy owner

pizzaHeart · 31/08/2025 09:32

I agree that unless you were on the receiving end you wouldn’t get how annoying it was. It completely destroys my enjoyment of doing things together. I like to pay for myself. I don’t want to owe or to be grateful to someone for something I can manage myself and I absolutely hate this feeling when you are frantically trying to think who should get the bill instead of quietly enjoying your cup of coffee.
And I absolutely get your complain about this being your main holiday. You often treat yourself on a holiday more than usual and he basically took away the quiet enjoyment of it.
Im not British by the way so I don’t think it’s entirely cultural.
BIL didn’t pay out of goodness of his heart - it was about showing off and wanting your gratitude. I blame your brother for this actually, he should gave his partner a friendly advice how to behave with his family.

pinotnow · 31/08/2025 09:19

For what it's worth this was a British seasode homiday was BIL was a buest of like we were so no need for Spanish hospitality when he wasn't hosting.

Assume 'buest' is 'guest'? Christ, I bet he is glad he married into your family...How embarrassing and what a poor account you're giving of British 'hospitality'.

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 09:06

Pottedpalm · 31/08/2025 08:29

I would love to know where you got 4adult and several child portions of fish and chips for around 40!

Suffolk. Beautiful area for a family holiday, lovely countryside and the people are friendly.
It was 2 x fish and chips, brother had chips and curry, toddler and I shared some chips and the kids had a Happy Meal type mini sausage and chips.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 31/08/2025 08:29

I would love to know where you got 4adult and several child portions of fish and chips for around 40!

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 08:23

For those saying we were petty paying for our own fish and chips. The examples I've given the food shop and meal are just 2 of several occasions BIL insisted on paying and declined any contribution. By this point we didn't bother asking to pay for my brother and BIL's as there's only so many times you can say let us get this one and be declined. We felt at this point BIL had paid for so much it was easier just to pay ourselves instead of offering and it being rejected as we owed him so much already.

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