four children and a funeral

I wouldn’t take them. My dad died a few years ago at 70. I gave my 12 year old a choice and didn’t take my 8 year old. They weren’t particularly close to my dad and if so i might have gave the younger one a choice but in your situation i wouldn’t take them at that age but you should go to be there for your dh. What his brother does with his kids is up to him. What does your dh say?

We attended a family funeral when our children were a similar age. I had to go to support my husband (it was a much younger, vet close family member). We asked the boys if they wanted to go and they refused (or at least the older one did). We left them at the pub where the wake was to be held. The funeral itself was horrific and I’m very glad they didn’t go. The wake was somewhat different.

Your responsibility is to consider what would be in the CHIlDREN’S best interests not the interests of your MIL and I fail to see what the benefit is to the children attending the funeral of their great grandparent.

I would just counter any pushback with “it’s not in their interest to attend”

They're not props for other people’s comfort.

I would all go up, DH to the service and you and kids join him at the wake.

O would make the effort to be there and the kids to be present if it was being requested but only with what I felt comfortable with - and that wouldn’t be a funeral service at that age.

I would say no to the service and take them to the wake.

You and your husband will not be able to fully take in the service and grieve with the children there. Seeing their father upset will be upsetting for them.

I think if they are not able to sit quietly for the service (and that would be a supremely mega ask for every two year old I know) then they should give the service a miss, obviously you as well if you are unable to get child care and just attend the wake.

That should be a compromise that keeps everyone happy.

It's a really personal choice. We've just lost my Grandpa and my Grandma would really like my children to attend the funeral. We've asked them, DS (7) would like to attend, and DD (6) said she doesn't want to. So I think that my husband will take DD for a hot chocolate nearby whilst DS and I attend, then we will all go together to the wake. I think it's important the children are part of the day to help them understand and process the loss - but it needs to be done in an appropriate way and the most important thing is the feelings of the child. DD would likely be very upset, so it isn't in her best interest to attend. We also have a 3hr journey, if it's relevant.

I would take the 5 year old IF they saw the GGF regularly and would notice he was no longer around as it would help them understand where he’d gone, but not if the child barely knew him

You’re the parents, so it’s your decision

I didn’t take my kids to my own mother’s funeral, they were five and seven at the time but I need to grieve and not have to parent, they were in school and went to a friends for tea after,

Is there a family friend you can ask for support? When my good friend's mum died I was going to the funeral anyway they asked if I could sit directly behind them and their 4 year old on the end of a row, in my bag I had colouring, a book, a few cars, if he became upset or too fidgety the plan was I would take him out, he knew me well and it meant my friend still had his wife for support. I was more than happy to help. As it transpired it wasn't needed, but that was a relatively quick crematorium service, I have been to Catholic church funerals and they are much longer.

I do not agree with taking very young children to a funeral. This is something we do not do or expect in our family.

Is there a removal the night before. If so I’d take them to that and the wake afterwards but no I wouldn’t take them to the funeral.

I wouldn't take them. They are a bit too young to be able to sit quietly for any length of time, and after a long car journey. I wasnt even invited to my Grans funeral and I was 12

I know plenty of young children who have gone to funerals, even with long journeys involved.
I took my 2 to my mils funeral at a similar age and they were fine and engaged.

I would do what you’ve outlined here. And could you frame it to MIL that DH really wants to focus on her for the actual funeral and be able to support her properly and he might not be able to do that with the boys? Especially if you have to take one out etc?

I agree with this and it sounds similar to my father in law’s funeral, which my then nearly two year old went to.

My mother-in-law had asked me to bring her, and her presence definitely lightened the mood, especially when the coffin was being taken out of the church and she waved happily and said “Bye bye, Grandpa”.

Personally, I would always try to do whatever the ‘primary mourner’ wanted - unless I thought it would be particularly distressing for my child. In this case, the OP’s mother-in-law is presumably one of the primary mourners.

I think a 5 year old should be fine, if suitably prepared, and the 2 year old may need taking out of the service for a short while, but could still enjoy much of the day. Both boys may enjoy seeing their cousins. However, the OP and her husband know their children best.

I would be tempted to leave the decision to the husband, given that it is his mother who wants them to attend.

If they’re going to be upset, or create a disturbance, best left at home - assuming you have childcare.

I took dd1 at around 18 months (no option) to a Gm’s funeral. Of course she was far too young to understand, wanted to run up and down the aisle. With really only family there, I did let her at first - she nearly bashed into the coffin on its stand! So I took her out.
The vicar was lovely, he said to me afterwards that there was no need at all to take her out, and TBH my Gm would have been the first to find it funny.

I well remember a nephew of barely 3 at the same funeral - after the service, as the actual interment was taking place, he was happily playing with his toy cars in the earth around the edge of the grave!

Nobody was remotely put out, rather the reverse.

As adults most people go to a funeral to pay their respects and for the benefit of those left behind, it's good manners, no-one enjoys it. For children I think it depends how well they knew the relative and how close they were.
When my MIL died DC were 6 and 8 and we didn't let them go, they stayed with my parents. They both resented it and remind me to this day more than 20 years later! So that was a parenting fail.
Yours are younger and I would guess not super close to a GG? I wouldn't take them. How do you avoid upsetting family? I think your plan of just avoiding the service is a good compromise.

I didn’t even attend my own grandparents funerals as a teenager as my mum didn’t want me to, so the first funeral I went to was my dad’s when I was 19 and I wasn’t well prepared, to be honest.

However, I think under 10 is probably too young for the actual church service if it’s a religious funeral as some of it can be OTT.

When DH’s step dad died I took toddler DS but we wandered around the graveyard during the church service and joined the mourners afterwards in the hotel. DH wouldn’t have wanted DS chatting away whilst people were listening to the eulogy in church and DS provided a nice distraction afterwards.

My 9yo didn’t go for one of our siblings funeral that we were not close to. Yes kids need to learn about death, but not for someone they barely knew. Your 2yo won’t even care or need to know. And your 5yo will be bored and confused sitting through the tears and speeches etc. also do you really think they will sit still or be quiet, and I’m pretty sure your MiL will have a problem with that too.

I'm Irish and children very common place at funerals here..however a 2 year old would be disruptive unless asleep in a buggy and 5 year old will be missing school. I would be inclined not to bring them. If you are definitely go day before. 6 hours travelling too much on anyone

good luck, i'd just play it by ear if you do go. Sit with them in the back of the church and go outside if it gets too much or they are restless.

Your DH presumably also wants to support his mum, so it's difficult in that respect if he also doesn't want the DC to attend.

At one of only 2 funerals i ever agreed to go to - my own father - it was nice to have small children running around the wake. Just a reminder that life (and genes) do go on

I took my 7, almost 3 and almost 5 year old to their great grandfather's funeral. The understanding was dh looked after the 7 year old and I had the other two. I brought a busy book with lots of things to pull out and stick back in. And sweets. I waited as long as possible to bring out the book and sweet and had warned the 7 and 5 year old what's expected at funerals. The singing and eulogy distracted them. It was hard work though. It meant a huge amount to my dh and MIL that they were there. They had seen coffins and funerals before on web cams though so the whole set up wasn't new.

Ignore what your mil wants and do what you want. Entirely acceptable to not have them there and your idea of having them come after the ceremony is fine.

My kids did not go to my father's funeral. I did, and DH looked after the kids. They were 4, 4 and 6 at the time. My mother and sister were supportive of our decision.

ETA: they did attend the wake, though, for about 40 minutes. It was local, so very easy to manage.

That's the loss of a mother though, which is earth shattering and entirely different