four children and a funeral

I’ve been to a fair few funerals, some with young children and babies in attendance. There’s never been an issue and in fact the presence of a small child can often lift the mood. At the funeral of a friend who died very suddenly in an accident, his then 3 year old child asked, very loudly, ‘Mummy, is daddy in that box? Can I give him a hug?’. He then proceeded to toddle up to the coffin and stroke it, saying ‘bye bye daddy’. It was heart wrenching but so lovely at the same time.
However, whether children should go to funerals or not is down to the parents. Distance isn’t an excuse though - we don’t say we can’t take children on holiday because it’s over 3 hours away do we? Perhaps the OPs MIL would love to see her grandchildren and it might make her less upset at her father’s funeral. I’d hope all my grandchildren and great grandchildren (if I have them) would come to my funeral when the time comes, and not be kept away from celebrating my life.

YANBU at all 💐

They're not props for other people's comfort

This sentence made me sad. What a horrible way to look at the wonderful joy, life and comfort that children can bring to sad situations. They are not being 'used', just being part of an extended family where everyone's needs can be met. It's OK to learn that someone is sad and you being around helped them feel happier. In fact, it's an important lesson - we are all so interdependent. Of course, it would be a subconscious lesson but I think they would sense it and know the joy they are bringing just by their presence. Even if they didn't, it's the attitude that we're all in this together.

I don't necessarily think the funeral service itself would be best as it can be hard to keep the kids entertained. But I do think their presence at the wake would lift everyone's spirits and bring comfort to MIL in particular. My young children (1.5yo and 4.5yo) attended my grandmother's wake and during the burial they were looked after in a building but were there right afterwards. They were not in the service as it would have been difficult for me to look after them and grieve properly.

this absolutely.

My children were similar ages when their great grandfather died. We all (DH, MIL, FIL and I) agreed that the funeral would be appropriate for them but that it would be OK to go to the wake. DH went to the funeral with his parents while I took the children for a walk, then we joined the wake later.
Family loved seeing them (they had lots of attention) and there was lots of talk of the next generation and reminiscence. Eldest only just about remembers it but knows he met lots of his family that day that we don't often see.
When great grandma died they were a bit older (12 and 10 and by then had a 6yo brother). We all attended the funeral and wake and everyone behaved appropriately. Again, family enjoyed seeing them and it felt appropriate.
Worked well for us but it might not be the same for everyone.

I'm in Ireland so it's very common for everyone to go to funerals no matter what the age. I mean we just go to absolutely everyone's funerals, I've been to funerals of people I never even met as a child and adult.

People do actually feel let down if you don't attend. So I can totally understand your mil actions, however in the last few years I have declined funerals and told my children they didn't have to go, they're older now and I regret not doing this when they were younger.

If you don't want them there that's ok, that's your choice, you can always ask your 5 year old if they want to go but from experience going to 1 or 100 funerals doesn't make you any less or more prepared. You just say that you don't feel it's appropriate for your children and the travelling and service will be to long and tiring on them.

No way would I take children that age to a funeral

When my mother died my oldest son was just 6

Second generation late parents, she was 83

He went but as my mother said 'He's easy'

His Cousins a year older and younger didnt though, its what works for you

He did ask if we could put a shovel in her coffin just in case she came alive again which lifted the mood a bit!

I don't think there's any age that's too young for a funeral. There's nothing inappropriate about a funeral service for any child.

But I also don't think it's inappropriate to say that's it's too far to go during term time for a distant relative.

I'm Irish and funerals are much more mainstream here. In saying that I wouldn't have brought my young children to a funeral if it was down the road, let alone a long drive away.

For logistical/ travel reasons it’s probably not a good idea however I do think that children should not be shielded from the cycle of life and especially as this is the (obviously sad) death of an elderly relative rather than a tragic and shocking loss then the funeral shouldn’t be an inappropriate place for them; imho kids provide a welcome distraction at funerals and it’s good to have all the generations at a family occasion. (For context I’m a catholic and we seem to have a slightly different attitude to funerals than my non catholic friends)

I don't see any benefit in the 2 year old going at all. The 5 year old, if he was close to his great-grandad, fair enough, if not, there's no point.

Took DS out of Y3 for one day for DH's Mum's funeral this year. Absolutely will for Great grandma too when that does happen. 3hr round trip so stayed overnight but ever thankful that BIL and SIL took him to stay with cousins overnight rather than sleep in MIL house like we did

Wouldn't have taken him before school age (got strongarmed into attending the after church bit for one when he wasn't quite onto solids but absolutely not the service). I wasn't taken to my grandma's funeral about the same age and I remember not understanding why not, but at 4 when my grandad died, didn't know what a funeral was etc

Its your children and your choice. You know your children better than your Mil does and I would not be taking her views into account.

At a push, as it’s a 3 hour drive away, I might go to somewhat support DH but I’d only take the children to the wake and not the actual funeral.
My DS who was 5, didn’t come to my mum’s funeral. He was blissfully unaware at school and not subjected to me being an absolute mess.

All you can do is make the best decision for our kids.

Every child is an individual and circumstances vary wildly so choose what's right for you and yours and balls to what anyone else thinks.

No I wouldn't take them. I recently took my 7 year old DD to my sister's funeral and had to take her out part way through as she became distraught. I wish I had left her with my friend who looked after my 2 year old DD (who won't sit still for 5 minutes let alone through a funeral).

I am always surprised on MN how many people do take small children to funerals, as that hasn't been my experience of the many, many funerals I've attended over many years. However, I think it is interesting on MN to learn about how people do things differently.
The point here though, is not whether it is 'right' or not, but the fact that the parents of said dc have said 'no', and other people in the family are telling them they are wrong. In the same way that you are not criticising your BiL for making different choices from you, nobody in the family should be trying to make you and your dh o what isn't right for you.

YANBU

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a funeral where young children from within the family didn’t attend. I went to various relatives’ funerals as a young children and certainly wasn’t traumatised. I wonder if it depends upon that family’s cultural norms.

I really don't believe in children being shielded from life's multi faceted experiences (although there are some obvious exceptions!) but if the logistics are problematic then, on a purely practical note, it's fine to get childcare for them.

I might take ds1 who's about to turn 7, IF he had a strong enough relationship with the deceased to justify it.

I wouldn't take ds2 (recently turned 5) as he is sensitive and young emotionally and I don't see attending being beneficial to him. Unless he had a very strong relationship to the deceased and then I may let him attend part of the funeral.

Dd (1.5yo) probably wouldn't understand what's going on and would be a nightmare to keep quiet so I'd only take her if I couldn't find childcare and then I'd probably sit out part of the funeral so as not to disturb the service.

So I guess the answer is, it depends on your kids' ages and personalities and their relationship with the deceased, and what sort of childcare you can organize.

Don't bring them just because of family pressure.

They're very going. Do what you think is best.

I wouldn't take them at that age. Much better for your DS5 to be in school and serrle into the new routine. You could perhaps take them to a local church after school to.light a candle of remembrance or mark the day in your own way, so that the family know you are thinking of the deceased.

I don’t think children seeing a coffin in a church or crem helps children understand the circle of life as PP said.

As an adult, I think it’s strange to think of the deceased being in that coffin. I don’t get closure from funerals. They just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable and sad.

I don’t see it as a chance to say goodbye. It’s a box, they’re dead.

I always make sure I tell people what they need to know when they are alive.