four children and a funeral

If I were you, I'd just attend the wake with the kids.

If he's already upset then isn't there a good chance he'll be more upset about being excluded from the normal opportunity to say goodbye?

This reads like you're more concerned about keeping him in line with your own atheism and "protected" from all that religious stuff you don't like but he's clearly interested in if he's been asking questions.

I think you have your answer here. Your DS5 is already upset, and the funeral will be too much for him. Much better to go to park and meet them afterwards. Hope it all goes ok for you all. X

I took our son to a funeral when he was under 2 and I just took him out during the actual funeral. I think you could do the same during the service. They will provide a good distraction for the older rellies at the wake.

Funerals are for the living. The dead don't care.

MIL has just lost her dad. If she will deal with her grief at the funeral better if surrounded by her grandchildren then it's kind to try to facilitate that if possible. The question is, does she accept that the 5yo and 2yo will not be remotely capable of sitting still and being quiet? I have been to funerals of age90+ much-loved great-grandparents which were quite deliberately a family celebration where the noise of the little ones was welcome and not shamed at all. The children were told the life story of the person who died and were not expected to be mournful or quiet. If it's going to be like that, take them. If the ceremony is supposed to be formal and quiet then obviously your children shouldn't go, but try to make it possible for them to be there at the wake.

Your 5 yo will not suffer any detriment from missing y1 school timebut woukd certainly be affected detrimentally if forced to be more silent and still than is really possible for a 5yo.

I don't think they are too young to go to a funeral, but they don't have to attend. I took my child at 15 months (had to sit at the back and take him out part way through) and again at 7. Between that I declined another one because it was too much hassle as he was at school and he didn't know the person and I hadn't seen them in years.
I don't think it will be upsetting for the children, they don't really take it in in the same way. Taking them means you'll probably miss most of the service though so you can just say it's not appropriate.

I can see it both ways (and a side pondering that I often think in these threads - because fewer children go to church and schools don’t do or expect children to sit down for extended periods, children now can’t know how to behave at something like a funeral. I know DD wouldn’t at that age, but I probably would because of going to mass every week).

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I don’t quite agree with the “children aren’t a prop” - many people going to funerals are acting as a prop to the grieving - isn’t that just what friends and family do for each other?

I think if you have a plan like whisking the children outside if they start to struggle you should be fine. Or taking them to the children’s play area in the church if there is one.

How well do they know their cousins?

I took my DD to my grandmother's funeral - she and the other little ones were mentioned as being part of the cycle of life and DGM living on in them.
Not sure if would take children out of school would depend on who it was.

I think taking them to the wake / food after it would be a good compromise.
The wake of a 90 yo should be more of a party and celebration of life than a sad occasion.

Your question is do they 'have' to go. No, they don't 'have' to go to anything.

I have taken mine at any age to funerals as they are part of the family. They were always fine but I did always at at the back, just in case a younger one needed taking out. This happened once with a four year old when the funeral service was a ridiculous 2 hours long. I wanted to go out after an hour and a half when it wasn't coming to an end too!

The three hour drive is the part I would hesitate over. That's tough with such young children. I'd only do it for the closest of relatives and then arrive the day before, stay somewhere overnight, go to the service, stay another night, then go home the next day.

I always advise to take them if the person organising wants dc there, yes some bits will go over a 5 year olds head but he won’t be anywhere near as upset as most the adults, the fact it’s religious is not relevant and says more about you that suitability for a child. After funerals there’s typically food (and alcohol in some traditions but tea and coffee in others) and at that point having the dc there really lightens the atmosphere, it’s passing on the baton to the next generation in fact. Last one I organised (professionally) there was a 10 day old baby there and at the request of the family we brought the baby up to the front during the service and said a special blessing prayer then played circle of life on the organ, was very moving, but very fitting too when someone following a long life.

i suspect some people just aren’t used to kids being at funerals but it’s completely normal and you just sit on the end of a row in case plus bring quiet distractions. By the time my dc were your dcs age op they attended church so 45 minutes was no issue

I agree they are too young in my opinion and it will be super stressful for you and everybody else potentially. Also it's 2 kids, maybe if it was just the 5 year old it may be different. Especially when you should have space to emotionally support your DH too. I didn't attend family funerals til I was over 10 and I'm pleased. I did go to the wake however , could this be a compromise? X

Of course they don’t have to attend. If they didn’t know the gggf, then there’s definitely no point. My dc (10, 7, 5, 3) attended their ggm funeral recently, also v religious (which was a good thing, a service of hope and comfort) and they enjoyed it for want of a better word. It was helpful. They will
attemd their ggm funeral, which will be a flight away, when it happens.

If your 2 year old isn’t good at sitting still it may be best for them to miss it though. I’d give the 5 year old some sort of say.

Absolutely not appropriate for such young children.
This is such a bizarre statement to me. We went to loads of funerals as children. It was just what was happening. There was no concept that we would be excluded
Why would anyone expect them to attend.
Everyone in my experience. And me, I would. Usually. I think the school day and the extra generation removed means there is an excuse to not go that could be used but I'd be surprised by anyone not taking them as an otherwise active decision.

It's entirely your decision. In my own family, children that young don't usually attend the funeral service but often attend the wake.

Absolutely no need imo. I wouldn’t even consider it.

Sorry to derail but I’m fascinated by this. Not your “thing”? They’re not my number 1 day out choice but I go to them!

OP I wouldn’t take them, no.

Our family funerals have always been the children do not attend the service buy do attend the celebration of life afterwards

Yes, I would, and did, take my kids to funerals that young. Because I believe that was the right thing to do.

But you don't. So they shouldn't go.

Parenting is best when you stand up for what you believe in. They are your children and they have two parents that can decide what is right for them.

Absolutely not appropriate for such young children.
Why would anyone expect them to attend.
Does your mil find it acceptable for a funeral to have a child shouting or screaming or talking the whole way through it?
No way would I take my dcs on a 3 hour journey to attend a funeral.

I wouldn’t take my DC, not at those ages. My gran died when DD was 4 and we didn't take her to the funeral.

I don't disagree and I would take DC personally. But it could also be someone they'd never met or only once or twice and it's far enough distance to justify using the need to miss school as an excuse not to go.

A great grandparent isn’t a distant relative! My grandchildren are fascinated by their family history - love looking at photos of their great and great-great grandparents. DGS has started his own family tree and he’s only 7! Our family history is important - it’s a great way to explore life in the past.