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Original poster

Emotional affair?

34 replies

Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:19

Been with my husband for 16 years. A lot of history between us. I think if I wrote everything out people would say ltb, buts it’s not that simple.

husband has a female friend that they share a hobby

he meets her for lunch and doesn’t tell me as forgot to

gives her money as a donation to a passion of hers

deletes messages and talks to her multiple times a day

the messages are not sexual but are over the boundary for a friendship as he doesn’t message me like that

There is nothing sexual BUT its emotional intimacy.

Even telling her stuff before he’s told me like an after thought.

it’s an emotional affair isn’t it? Even though it’s not sexual at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 13:02

QuickFawn · 30/08/2025 12:51

Kindly, why waste more time with someone who doesn’t love you or treat you with the respect you deserve?
there’s no drip feed that would make that acceptable

Edited

Because I’m really struggling. It’s like looking at a completely different person and I know he’s sorry.

I am drip feeding because if I posted the shit he’s
done I want to smack my head against a wall.

This is what I wanted to originally post but if my friend said this to me I’d tell them LTB!

Basically does this look like an emotional affair? I want to start by saying I have never policed friendships. I believe you can have male and female friends but there are boundaries.

so he started up a friendship, couple of meetings at a shared hobby, then dh is going to visit his sister in London. I asked to go to but he wanted to spend time with his sister so I couldn’t. No probs.

however he finally answered my calls after ages and he’s not with his sister but been out all day in London. Says he met a friend for lunch and forgot to tell me.

Bit miffed because I could have gone with him as he apparently didn’t meet his sister till the evening.

Didn’t think more of it but my spidey senses are going off. Cue a few months later and I’m on his phone trying to sort gcse options for our ds and I think I’ll have a look.

Turns out there’s nothing there. He’s deleted everything. I ask him why and he says he panicked because he forgot to tell me. I’m very upset as not 4 years ago he had cut off a very good friend of his because he started having feelings for her.

we have had 2 rounds of marriage counselling after this.

Recently he’s been messaging her a lot and it’s like I’m in a fever dream because he’s telling her stuff he hasn’t told me and after everything he keeps starting up these emotional connections with someone who is me.

I feel like a fucking fool and I’m so hurt but I love him although this recent event has made me feel very different than the other times. Now I know he will do this again I can feel it and I deserve better.

Im a good person, I’m funny, kind, intelligent (contry to the evidence) and I know I’m a catch.

One part of me feels like he’s vunteable and I love him and I need to help him through this, the other part wants to scream and fuck him off.

im not the arguing type and prefer to think about things before acting.

I hate him but fucking love him. It’s so confusing

OP posts:
NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:00

araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

I think friendship could be your brother. As close (or closer) but with the very strict boundaries you naturally have with a brother, it's not even a question.

Emotional affair, it's deep friendship BUT going into physical territories to, attraction come into play and people fall for each other and want to be together. The old relationship is dying or already dead, and emotional affair is the start of a new relationship.

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 12:55

i really struggle to understand how he can do this behaviour

what, develop a friendship with someone, which might (or might ) not go to something deeper? He's not doing anything wrong, he has friends. Maybe that friendship will develop into something else, maybe not.

If your relationship is stagnant or towards the end, it's natural to move on.

People take relationships for granted, and don't make efforts and try to keep spark flying, they just drown into comfort and routine, but it's a killer frankly.

You can't stop him from having friends, but you can work on your own relationship with him. Ignore the friend, start having hobbies together, having fun, speak about more interesting things that mundane boring nonsense. It's your own interest, you want a partner for you, not a boring presence.

ThisCanFuckOffToo · 30/08/2025 12:54

I’ve got male friends I message much more than I message my husband, who I rarely message because I live with him!

The deleting messages is the concern here. How do you know what they say if he deletes them?

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:54

In my head if you are deleting messages and concealing omitting information to you spouse, then you’re in rocky territory.

im not a jealous person and have never policed friendships so if it was a big standard friendship then why hide it?

also telling her stuff that I didn’t even know about his job, wants, likes, fears etc.

Wishing her happy Mother’s Day and good mornings and how proud he is of her and her achievements.

OP posts:
QuickFawn · 30/08/2025 12:51

Kindly, why waste more time with someone who doesn’t love you or treat you with the respect you deserve?
there’s no drip feed that would make that acceptable

araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:29

i really struggle to understand how he can do this behaviour when he’s a genuinely amazing person. I love him. He’s a great father. He’s just closed off emotionally to me but he is with most people.

Im a positive strong woman, I don’t think little of myself, I have a job, kids, friends and we make each others lives good. He’s supportive and kind which makes him doing this so hurtful and strange.

Im still processing it and he’s going to counselling himself to understand why he’s like this. I have 2 kids with him so it’s not cut and dry leaving him because our lives are so entangled.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 30/08/2025 12:25

It certainly sounds like it. But you say there are other difficulties with the marriage, so why are you staying with him?