Emotional affair?

Hi, just wanted check on how is your marriage doing today? Did you manage to work things out with your husband?

You’ve been very reasonable about his behaviour and he’s abused the trust and space you’ve given him. I think a good question is “how can you justify lying to me about the lunch(es) and time spent in conversation with the other woman?”. Also ask to meet her, suggest he invites her over to the house for a drink. This will flush out the truth of the relationship. I’m sorry - it’s a feeling of the ground sliding away from you that I am well familiar with.

OP this is not ok. I have a make best friend and I have never ever felt the need to delete messages or mislead my DH when spending time with them.

2nd time in 4 years (that you know of?) He's taking the piss. Do you love him or do you love the life you have with/because of him? Both are absolutely valid reasons to stay, but my god you will be eaten up by this, bitterness will eat away at you until you are shell of the woman you are.

What is he getting from these fantasy relationships that he isn't getting from your marriage? There's something missing, and it may not be something that you are able to resolve, but that's on him, not you.

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Better to end a 16 year marriage with a shred of self dignity than look back on 40 years of feeling second best.

I’ve been in your position.

A female friend he met at work,he started socialising with her outside of work,started sharing a hobby too.

Then came the mentionitis,the inappropriate amount of messages,the phone calls,the talking to her in a way he didn’t talk to me,oversharing,the eagerness to please her,the emotional intimacy between them.

He claims he wasn’t attracted to her nor had romantic feelings for her yet he was devoting more time to her and their friendship than to me and our marriage.

It also went on for a very long time as it’s hard to disengage that type of behaviour as it becomes habitual.

It almost destroyed my marriage;I also booted him out for awhile over this bollocks with her.

It took him a long time to admit it was an emotional affair;he’s very remorseful for what he did to me and our relationship especially as my ultimatum was lose her or lose me.

It’s been 5 years since and it still niggles at me despite how sorry he still is that it happened.

@Isotired , the man you fell in love with has gone. He might come back, but he'll probably go away again.

It's up to you whether you stay with him or not. It would be a good idea to consult a divorce lawyer or similar to find out where you would stand, should you divorce or separate from him.

In the long run, it might be better to split now and focus on co-parenting, but if that's up to you.

Launch her passion? Sounds exotic.

Thank you. Yeah I think I kind of get it. Thanks to your description.

@DiscoBob , have you ever felt you couldn't wait to see someone again? Maybe as a teenager when you couldn't stop telling anyone who'd listen about how wonderful Steve/Emma from the youth club was. Maybe you doodled his/her name with hearts round it.

It's that sort of mentality, but the relationship isn't physical, and the besotted one is married/in a LTR. The other person might just think it's a friendship, or they might enjoy it.

If it was a close friendship, you'd be quite open about going for a coffee with the friend, but in the EA, the meetings are secret, the messages are deleted, etc.

Typically, the EAP will be a damsel-in-distress e.g. newly-single friend/single mum/younger colleague, and there is a 'hobby' they share. The 'DH' willbe the knight in shining armour.
(The OP never discloses the hobby because it would be outing, and many of the posters will press for more info on the hobby. Many of the thread replies will insist that it is absolutely fine for a man and woman to have a special close relationship because they have them, despite the OP having made clear that her DH is besotted with the EAP)

Sorry for derailing

I guess I've just never experienced anything like that. I've had close friendships with both sexes, and yes you sometimes tell them things you don't tell your partner, or moan about your partner to them. But if there's no sexual attraction then it's a friendship. If there is sexual attraction then it's just an affair in waiting I suppose. I have just never been sexually attracted to my close friends I guess.

@DiscoBob , it's not the same as a close friendship. There is usually an emotional involvement that you don't have with a close friend. There is often secrecy.

Basically, it's a romance or affair without the physical part, and it often develops into an affair.

I know what you mean. If it's not sexual then why call it an affair? It's a close friendship. The sort that would not be frowned upon at all if the friend was the same sex. It does seem like there's a very blurred boundary.

That's not to say it couldn't sometimes be inappropriate, or unpalatable to the person's partner.

But to me an affair has to be sexual/romantic.

I suspected my husband of cheating on me 10 years ago. I bought a keylogger online. I could put it on my husband's cell phone online. I didn't have to physically touch my husband's cell phone in any way and it was on all the time, secretly from my husband. My husband had no way of knowing, that I could monitor everything he did on his cell phone. It basically recorded everything on my husband's cell phone. Messages, chats, emails, passwords. It could even listen in the background. Well, I found out that my husband was having an affair. My husband ended the affair and we continued our marriage.

I would advise you to do the same. This way you would be sure, that your husband has ended the relationship with this woman. At the same time, you can make sure that your husband doesn't have anything else going on with other women. Strength to you.

Oh, and you don't have to tell us she's younger and that he wants to save/protect her because she's going through/has gone through some hard times. They are so fucking predictable. 🙄

He knows he's doing something he shouldn't ; this is why he didn't tell you about his plans of meeting her in London and deleted all his messages. He's already having an affair. It sounds like the beginning of a romantic relationship where you see the other partner with rose tinted glasses. He gives her money, that's family money he's giving away.

He's basically behaving like he's single and they are now in the honeymoon phase. She will look upon him with interest and adoration and he loves it. Ofcourse you don't see your partner in that mysterious way after marriage and kids.

Why do you think they are not having sex? And let's say we're to believe him, what difference does it make? He's clearly in love and not too worried about it because you forgave him last time. If I were you I would leave him. He will regret it. I doubt you will.

Oh OP, this is such shit behaviour.
You were amazing to forgive him before but it appears he's learnt no lesson. Please don't forgive him again.
You seem strong and know your self-worth, don't let him damage that anymore.
All the best OP.

@Bluesey , not everyone is, but threads about a DP/DH having a close friend of the opposite sex always seem to draw posters who claim it's perfectly OK to have such a relationship.

It's obvious from the OP that her DH is having an emotional affair.

So he’s done it before and now he’s doing it again
will it be the third time you finally say that’s enough 🤷‍♀️

I’m at a loss as to why he’s vulnerable because he can’t stop himself messaging other woman?

OP I don't know why everyone is suggesting they're just friends or that they think an emotional affair is just friends or that they don't know what the difference is.

An emotional affair is a friendship where you'd like to be having sex but aren't yet. It's where you put the other person before your own spouse.

He is giving this woman money that could be spent on your family, he is deleting messages and being secretive about lunches, No doubt the messages aren't sexual because those are the ones that are being deleted! You know this 'friendship' is different from the other friendships he has - and that's the biggest red flag.

Don't let people gas light you into the idea that this is just a friendship and that you're mad to think otherwise - none of this is ok or normal. But of course he doesn't want to burn his bridges with you - he just wants to be able to develop this relationship on the side.

All i know for sure OP is that you deserve much better than this.

@araiwa, I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship
The term emotional affair describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated.

Emotional affair - Wikipedia

Forgot to clear the quote.