To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

Good god woman, get a grip! You're actively looking for problems.

Let your ex make his own travel arrangements. If/when he arrives at the station, ds texts him your location and he gets a taxi/Uber. If in the meantime you move on, text him the new location.

As for the far-fetched rubbish about his train being cancelled/delayed ... really?!? How likely is that? And if it does happen it's not your problem. You can make up an excuse if you want ("there's no room", "I'm going somewhere else first"), or just say "you're not welcome in my car".

As others have said, stop making this day about you. You need to focus on your son, who will (I hope) be excited and not at all sad.

On the strict understanding that ex takes responsibility for his own travel, it would be unreasonable to say he can't come. Be prepared to harden your nose if those last minute excuses come up, that's all.

Including the parent who can have basic consideration and empathy for their child on their child’s day.

Prioritised? Not necessarily. Basic consideration and empathy shouldn't be beyond anyone.

The original post about whether to offer Dad a lift or not has been entirely concocted in your head.

You’ve made it clear that Dad hasn’t thrown anything your way on the subject you posted about.

If Dad asks, and it is merely conjecture that he may ask, just say “no”. End of story.

The rest is all of your own dramatisation.

How do you not see that?

How about giving this much time and attention to the balance you need to show your sons?

Why not post here asking for guidance on that, instead of the time wasted on posting about your imagined problem?

Sure, but those feelings aren’t always going to be prioritized on someone else’s, specifically their chid’s, day.

That's nice. But sometimes it's nice to remember that our parents are only human too, with real, valid feelings no?

Not wanting to be in the same room as someone who abused you doesn't make you a bad parent.

If the son wants his dad there, on what is a big event for him, then that’s absolutely up to him. And so on this point no op’s feelings do not really come into account. Unless there is DV/abuse and that’s the reason then the sin should know these things to be aware why she can’t be around him.

The son or dad just can’t expect OP to be the one taking him to and from the city. But it doesn’t sound like that has been proposed yet she is just wanting to make sure that’s not an option.

She has been my stepmum since I was 5. I love her and wanted her there. My mum wouldn't have wanted anyone to prioritise her feelings over mine (in fact, they probably did check with her. I know my stepmum was careful to ask permission for things to do with my wedding and after my first child was born)

She was wrong for having an affair with a married man (though more of the blame lies with my dad, naturally) but she was a really good step mum. Life isn't black and white.

tough situation. It’s not unreasonable but big picture.

Your kid asked so clearly wants dad there for a big milestone.

can you suck it up for one day for your kid?

and I know you have probably been sucking it up for more times than you can remember so either way good luck x

You are not being unreasonable.Happily divorced with both ds's with me 80% of the time.Have dropped both of them off when the time came on my own
You honestly won't have room in the car on the way there and when you do get there it is quite hectic.Getting everything out,unpacked and set up for them.Depending on the university the social committee or whatever may come and gather them up and take them for some orientation so there usually isn't a chance to linger.
After the initially drop off my exh did sometimes collect during term time or drop back off again.He also never did the big pick up and clear out at the end of the year because no space in care for 3 people and you just want to get packed and get gone.

You are not being unreasonable.Happily divorced with both ds's with me 80% of the time.Have dropped both of them off when the time came on my own
You honestly won't have room in the car on the way there and when you do get there it is quite hectic.Getting everything out,unpacked and set up for them.Depending on the university the social committee or whatever may come and gather them up and take them for some orientation so there usually isn't a chance to linger.
After the initially drop off my exh did sometimes collect during term time or drop back off again.He also never did the big pick up and clear out at the end of the year because no space in care for 3 people and you just want to get packed and get gone.

But she did it for the love and sake of her children, irrespective of their age

Disagree entirely

Some people have been very unkind here. We don’t know the full story of why OP feels as she does.

I grew up with parents who couldn’t be in the same room as each other. And yes, it did upset me at the time, but once I knew the full story( and going through a similar break up myself) I understood it.

My ex has done some truly unforgivable things. Some of which I wish I had gone to the police over. I have chosen to remain on good terms with him for my daughter. It’s given me less stress but only because I have been through therapy and while I won’t forgive, I have chosen to move on. The key part here is choice. My daughter is convinced we are still a couple (despite having separate houses and living nearly 200 miles apart) because we get on so well. That took years to get to that point.

You never have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, OP. You can put in boundaries.

I would tell your son you are offering him a lift and to help unpack. You don’t have a problem with your ex being there, as he is your father, but you will not be offering lifts back and forth.

Your son is an adult now and needs to make adult choices. If that means he throws a wobbly and refuses to let you drive, then okay. Find an alternative way up there. Yes, it will be sad but you are also entitled to peace.

First day at Uni and independence is just as big a deal as the daughter of graduation, getting married, first child etc. You got divorced fine but that didn't stop you both from have to co-parent till the day one or both of you die. 'Cause that is how long parenting lasts. It even lasts through grandchildxevents, key birthdays in adulthood, engagements, first housewarming. You're going to have to learn to develop being around each other civilly for hours or full days at a time. I. afraid that what you signed up for when you had a child. If you can't cope with each other in a car then just say that.
It's not your child's job to know why you can't exist together. Honestly emotionally kids aren't adult till mid 20's. it's not their job to deal with the relationship (even historic) relationship issues of their parents at any age TBH.

I have a friend that had an awful husband and several chn with him When she left him her chn were young and she didn’t want them to know what he had done to her. She has to put up with them inviting him to family occasions but she won’t explain because she doesn’t want to spoil their image of him. She makes herself ill with the stuff she has to just swallow for the sake of them. It is not ok.

You cannot put the blame in your DS that you are not strong enough to just say "no" to a lift, no excuse needed.

Hid dad has the right, and apparently the will, to be there. Making chitchat with him is not your responsibility. How he gets there and back is not your responsibility. But it IS your responsibility to say a clear NO if he asks to be given a lift. So pull on your big girl pants and stop whining and putting pressure on your DS. He wants both of you there.

@Overthewaytwice did acknowledge it would be an emotional day for you OP.

It’s the same on all these occasions, though, what about DC birthday? It’s the day we gave birth to them!

It doesn’t change what your DS said and the sentiment of “it’s not up to you”, because it’s his milestone.

With both my sons there is no way I could fit a third person in the car, it was filled to the rafters with all the stuff they couldn't live without.
The actual drop off was a queue of cars dropping off, I stayed in the car whilst my son emptied the car.
A total of 25 minutes!!!

YANBU. There’s no way I’d tolerate my ex-H in my car for even a minute let alone a journey of that length. If he wants to go he has to make his own way there and back. You just need to be firm about that and ensure your DS understands that you will not accommodate his father in your car for any part of the journey there or back, regardless of any transport issues that may arise.

To me, Ex is wasting his time. It’s a long way to go when the entire purpose is to unpack and leave. I’ve had lots of friends where there is zero hanging about. My own uni accommodation was out of town so there was a lot less hurry, now closed the equivalent is right in town and you need to be in and out asap.

He would be much much better waiting a few weeks, booking a hotel in the city, taking him out for dinner. Beneficial to everyone.

My friend had a useless ex, never helped with activities or taking the kids anywhere, bare minimum. Then eldest goes to uni and he wanted to be the one to take him, she put her foot down and said no, she wanted to make sure it was done properly/he had everything he needed.

Having dropped off 3 sons at university, I can tell you they were more keen on meeting their new flat mates, speaking to the club and group reps etc and really didn't want us hanging around.
You absolutely do not have to offer your ex a lift. If your ex wants to be there, that is for him to organise but i fear it will be a wasted journey and he would be better waiting a month, when your son is settled in and would appreciate a free meal.

Ok thanks.
I totally agree with you about the lift but it still seems to be a bit of a non issue because OPs ds has seemingly respected her wishes and given no indication that he's going to ask OP to provide one to his father.

So your son hasn’t asked his Dad to come.

His Dad hasn’t asked to come.

If he did come there’s straightforward and reliable train links and he uses the train all the time.

But you’re panicking that he’s going to manufacture an excuse to get a life home with you? For a trip he hasn’t asked to come on and hasn’t been asked to come on? And you think you should tell him he can’t come on this trip he isn’t coming on?

Yes YABU.