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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
MrsJeanLuc · 01/09/2025 08:31

THEDEACON · 31/08/2025 22:34

Yabu youre making this all about you Why cant you compromise and let your sons Dad travel with you there but refuse to drive him back

Because she has the absolute right NOT to have someone who makes her uncomfortable in her own car.

AND because it's the stupidest compromise you could possibly think of:

  1. It's indefensible to offer someone a lift one way but not the other (real dick territory)
  2. It's impractical, the car will be full of ds1's stuff on the way there (but much emptier on the way back)
MrsJeanLuc · 01/09/2025 08:21

incognitomummy · 31/08/2025 22:37

I think you need to come clean with DS. Explain why his dad is welcome to meet you there but why you cannot offer him a lift.

it’s time.

She doesn't need to. No-one has asked her to give her ex a lift.
She has proactively said she doesn't want to (which is a wise move) but no-one has challenged that, and they are unlikely to.

Swiftie1878 · 01/09/2025 08:09

stripycats · 31/08/2025 22:33

It would be a bit odd wouldn't it since I'm the only one who can drive (not ex's fault) and it's in my house that 90% of ds's stuff is, including everything that I have bought him for university. No contribution from ex - that is something he can take ownership for. I appreciate this doesn't give me the right to dictate what happens on the day, but it does make comments like, 'what if ex says you can't come,' somewhat irrelevant. Even if that weren't the case, I would still feel that the parent who has picked and chosen which bits of parenting he does and how often certainly doesn't get to tell the other parent what they can and can't be involved in.

Show quote history

He’s not telling you what you can be involved in though?

Really, you’re dealing with other adults. Let them be, and you just do you.

Nopersbro · 01/09/2025 07:08

Stop being tempted to be "nice" at your own expense when there's no need. DS didn't say "I wish Dad could be there", he said HIS DAD MIGHT want to come. And ex IS perfectly capable of getting there and back by train. If he moans about the trains being a nightmare, play obtuse with something like "yes, they can be - but since you had trouble on the way in, fingers crossed it's a smooth trip back home!" You obviously feel strongly about NOT driving him home, for reasons that make logical sense. You know what you're capable of far better than anyone here. So DON'T offer to drive him, and say no if he asks. MAYBE have an excuse if you don't feel confident that your "no" is enough (it is). But you might be overthinking your excuses - e.g., if you said you had suddenly had a bad headache and wanted to check in to a hotel, how could ex know that you didn't plan to get up early and make it back in time to teach? I'd also take DS2 since he really wants to go and you and DS1 don't mind; your household making a trip together doesn't mean ex has to ride with you when there's another alternative.

As for the person upthread who thinks we'd howl if a man declined to give his female ex a lift: nope. Not if there's good train service and ex is capable and comfortable taking trains, as is the case here. We tend to infantilise disabled people and even just non-drivers in general, but OP's ex has learned to get around by himself despite his disability Good for him; let him get on with it. IF DS had wanted his dad there and there were no trains, then sure, I can see an argument that OP does her ex a favour for their son's sake even if it's at her expense, but that's a completely different situation.

moose62 · 01/09/2025 06:39

I get you totally. Ex DH hasn't actually said he wants to come yet, has he?
I wouldn't mention it again and if DS says his dad wants to come...just say what time you are aiming to be there but state quite clearly that there will be no car sharing. You don't have to give a reason....just no.
These drop offs are pretty quick...I've done it a number of times....you just carry all their stuff to their rooms and then they are usually itching to see the back of you to start settling in and meeting people.
Just do you.....let his dad do what he wants but make it very clear that you are not giving him a lift.
As Mumsnet loves to say - No is a full sentence.

MadMadaMim · 01/09/2025 06:30

Ex ‘I’d like to come to drop off’
DS ‘sure. This is the address. We’ll be arriving around [insert time]. We’ll be sorting my room for an hour or two, maybe having a quick cuppa/lunch, and then I’ll be getting settled and meeting people from [insert time]. Everyone needs to leave by [insert time]. I’m sure it goes without saying that you’ll need to make your own travel arrangements. It will be a very busy few hours - I won’t be able to meet you at the station.’

you shouldn’t be involved at all. It’s between DS and his dad. If at any point he tries to guilt trip for a lift etc. I wouldn’t even respond.

depending on history and how far it is and if it’s not out of your way too much, I would maybe consider dropping him off at the station on the way home but that really would only be rhetorical case if all goes well on the day - I certainly wouldn’t feel obliged to.

huge congrats to you all - and best of luck to your DS

PennyRest · 01/09/2025 06:22

I agree it’s about DS but I also think it’s a bit about you and DS2. Your day to day lives will be changed, and it’s perfectly normal for you both to want to go, and to find it a difficult day. Maybe you’d find it a comfort to have DS2 with you?
It’s acceptable not to want it made more difficult by someone you don’t get on with.
I think DS is old enough to get that? And it’s your car!

animaginativeusername · 01/09/2025 06:04

he can be at drop off, if DS wants that’s his right. However you have every right to say he can’t come along in your car.

3LemonsAndLime · 01/09/2025 05:22

Maybe we should get there early, set up the room and then go for lunch and then I go and he arrives after that.

OP this (from your earlier post) is a great plan. Given your DS has said he isn’t going to raise it, and therefore it’s all hypothetical at this point, just make the best plans for you.

Do the above, and let DS know you’ll head off straight after an early lunch. IF your ex does call DS the night before or morning of, it will be on him (your DS) to fit him into the day. It’s likely your ex would arrive after lunch (so after you leave) or even just at lunch time, in which you can say “well finish eating and leave, and you can meet your father”, meaning no contact for you. Even on the off chance there is some cross-over, and he asks for a lift, you can say briskly “ah! No room, and of course you only just got here! We’ll be off and let you have some father-son time.” And launch into goodbyes.

Gently - DS is creating this situation, you have warned him against it, and he has rightly said it’s his decision to make. But that also comes with him baring the consequences of that. So if having his Dad around proves to be annoying, then that’s a life lesson for DS and perhaps next time he’ll better understand why you thought it better the not be there, and make that choice next time. On the other hand, it could all work out well with you in the morning and him in the afternoon, and DS could be right. But this is one of those things as a young adult that DS will have to learn - sometimes by making mistakes - and you need to be there for support and guidance, but not to stop it when he has expressed his valid view.

TruthOutWeighsLies · 01/09/2025 03:16

Your son said its not up to you and that is the answer

Can he go in your car. You decide

Bunny65 · 01/09/2025 02:09

As you barely speak to the ex tell son to tell him to get the train if he wants to come. In my experience when you arrive it’s all very hectic unpacking and there will be a shared kitchen where dc will meet others getting stuff sorted. When I took my second ds to uni he was quite nervous about it but within an hour or so he had arranged to go and watch sport in the student union bar with his new housemates and asked me when I was going! Please don’t be sad, they are home again before you know it.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 31/08/2025 23:09

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

I don’t think you can or should stop him from coming but I wouldn’t drive him either. If he can make his own way, fine. Could he be useful though and help with lifting etc?

Lovehascomeandgone · 31/08/2025 22:56

THEDEACON · 31/08/2025 22:34

Yabu youre making this all about you Why cant you compromise and let your sons Dad travel with you there but refuse to drive him back

@THEDEACON because she has a right to have clear boundaries and not to have to re-live the trauma of his shitty behaviour by providing him with a lift.

user1476277375 · 31/08/2025 22:52

Can you not be honest? Just say that the return journey would be too difficult and could he make his own way back? Not unreasonable I dont think

user1476277375 · 31/08/2025 22:52

Can you not be honest? Just say that the return journey would be too difficult and could he make his own way back? Not unreasonable I dont think

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 22:46

Saladbrains · 31/08/2025 22:45

Overdoing the sanctimony just a smidge aren’t you

Show quote history

Am I? Goodness me.

Saladbrains · 31/08/2025 22:45

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 22:23

Which parent? The abusive one or the one who did the vast majority of actual parenting?

Show quote history

Overdoing the sanctimony just a smidge aren’t you

incognitomummy · 31/08/2025 22:37

I think you need to come clean with DS. Explain why his dad is welcome to meet you there but why you cannot offer him a lift.

it’s time.

THEDEACON · 31/08/2025 22:34

Yabu youre making this all about you Why cant you compromise and let your sons Dad travel with you there but refuse to drive him back

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 22:33

hungrypanda4 · 31/08/2025 22:16

YABVU thinking that you can dictate who does and doesn’t come to your son’s university move in day Confused he has two parents. Can you imagine if your ex said that you weren’t ‘allowed’ to come?

It would be a bit odd wouldn't it since I'm the only one who can drive (not ex's fault) and it's in my house that 90% of ds's stuff is, including everything that I have bought him for university. No contribution from ex - that is something he can take ownership for. I appreciate this doesn't give me the right to dictate what happens on the day, but it does make comments like, 'what if ex says you can't come,' somewhat irrelevant. Even if that weren't the case, I would still feel that the parent who has picked and chosen which bits of parenting he does and how often certainly doesn't get to tell the other parent what they can and can't be involved in.

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 31/08/2025 22:32

It's not your decision whether he comes or not, but you don't have to offer him a lift. I think it might be an idea to give your DS the background to why you are not happy about this- he must be 18 and is therefore quite old enough to hear difficult truths.

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 22:23

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 21:35

Including the parent who can have basic consideration and empathy for their child on their child’s day.

Show quote history

Which parent? The abusive one or the one who did the vast majority of actual parenting?

Costcogroupie · 31/08/2025 22:18

.....'thanks for thinking of me but no, I won't be giving you a lift .'

hungrypanda4 · 31/08/2025 22:16

YABVU thinking that you can dictate who does and doesn’t come to your son’s university move in day Confused he has two parents. Can you imagine if your ex said that you weren’t ‘allowed’ to come?

Notsandwiches · 31/08/2025 22:03

You don't need to offer him a lift or justify why you don't want to - he's your ex and you owe him nothing. If he asks it's just "no, that doesn't work for me" and leave it at that.