To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

You can’t say he can’t come but you def can say you’re not taking him!
I don’t think your ds really appreciates that his dad will likely expect a lift, hence why he’s being so Blaise about it.
make it crystal clear he’s not getting in your car, either way (beware of ex might say he’ll get the train there and blag a lift back!)
could you make (invent) some drop off visits on the way there and back that he def wouldn’t want to go on like shopping or something?

The dad hasn’t even said he wants to go. OP’s son thinks he might want to, and if that’s the case then he’s not going to tell his dad no.

OP’s not in the position to say he can’t go, even if OP would rather he wasn’t there, and if it’s true that his presence would make things complicated. It’s her son’s decision, and he’ll just have to deal with his father getting in the way if that’s outcome.

Far be it from me defend the OP but I think GreenPinkHold and Saladbrains have been unduly harsh and suggest they read her original post again.
I’m lucky that my parents are happily married and have no real life experience to go on so I’m bowing out of the discussion now.
That said I’m not convinced that Saladbrains is on the right track with her views - it’s a pretty damming attack on the OPs parenting. Isn’t it often said that know alls often know nothing

I'd say that if DS wants to decide who travels in the car then he can buy the car and drive it.

YABU to say he can’t come, that’s not your decision to make as your DS rightly said.
YANBU to say he has to make his own way though

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

Your son is correct that his father attending is not up to you, just like who goes in YOUR car is nothing to do with him.

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

Quick reply to Nomas ( and bearing in mind my experience of university drop offs only relates to my own and my sisters, both some time ago). It was chaos then on both occasions and I simply can’t imagine having to factor in arranging to meet someone somewhere when there are things to do and no one knows where they are going. It’s time wasted that could be better spent
As I said, if the son is adamant he wants his dad there then the problem would have to be resolved somehow but if he really isn’t bothered whether he’s there or not I don’t see the point of making move in day more complicated than it needs to be. All the more so as it seems dad is not going to be able to do much when he gets there and as a result will just end up being in the way.
Sometimes it seems we spend too much time pontificating about things rather than using our common sense. As I see it, if dad decides he wants to tag along this makes things harder for both the OP (especially so )and her son (if he’s not fussed whether he’s there or not) and it would be simpler all round if he didn’t bother. I may be wrong to say it but dad wishes are the lowest priority here.

We live in a uni city with central flats everywhere. It's a very very quick drop off at the hall with someone likely staying in the car. And a line of cars waiting. Get all the stuff in the room and then park back at hotel or hourly car park so you can go back and settle dc in.

@millymae whilst I agree with you that the ex should visit another time, I'm not sure why it would be stressful to arrange a meeting point. Wouldn't they just meet on campus, either in the room or in reception?

I think OP has been given a very hard time. We’re all entitled to our opinion but there is definitely a nest of vipers here, many of whom seem to have left common sense and practical considerations by the wayside.
OP’s son is going to University. It’s the start of the next chapter in his life, and for her he’s moving away from home and she’ll miss his presence on a daily basis. For his dad nothing much will change other than his son is now being educated in a different place.
The fact that the son has mentioned his dad tells me it’s something he’s been thinking about, but unless he categorically states that he wants him to come along I wouldn’t do anything to facilitate it. Him being there will only add to the stress, and all the more so as he won’t be able to offer much practical help.
On the day tensions will be high. OP’s son will be apprehensive/anxious and she will be stressed. I wonder if all those suggesting that the OP should do the bigger thing and for the sake of the son ask dad to join them have given any thought to what the atmosphere in the car might be like if he’s with them. I can’t imagine that it will be the most relaxed journey for anyone, but especially for the son who will be very aware of the tensions. IMHO he could do without that.
I agree with the OP that even if dad makes his own way there and back, this is not without its problems. Yes, he’s a grown man and can find his own way from the station but arranging a convenient time and place to meet up is yet another worry that OP and especially her son could do without on what is already a stressful day.
I’m a great one for weighing up the pros and cons in any situation and unless OP’s son is adamant that he wants his dad to join them I wouldn’t be mentioning it again. If dad brings the issue up himself so be it, he can make his own arrangements but for me on the basis of what we’ve been told his presence is likely to cause more problems than it’s worth. A visit by him af a convenient time the following week would be much more sensible.
I think that many posters are making the move to university into a much bigger thing than it really is, most students are ready for the move and don’t need or want their parents to hang around for too long once their room has been sorted. For the parent(s) it’s not so easy and I don’t blame the OP for not wanting to share the moment with her ex. No matter whether he travels with her or not he’ll still be there.
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YANBU not to give him a lift, but I don't think anyone has asked or expects this. YWBU to say he can't be there, but I don't think this is what you are saying. Basically what you are doing is fine.

Op isn’t dictating. She has a right to refuse a lift to anyone, including her ex.

Has your mum had any support?

This part is slightly U, you can’t say he shouldn’t be there, especially if your DS doesn’t mind.
However, you can definitely refuse to give him a lift.

My advice would be to stop trying to control how things will work out, you know what your plans are, don’t offer lifts even if son/ex try to guilt trip you and if asked directly you can say no, sorry, I’m not comfortable with that.

I love how nowadays a lot of MNers read the OP, completely disregard it, and then add their own spin on it!
@stripycats I was in the exact same position as you last year.
Firstly, is moving in day on a weekend? My son moved in on the Saturday before Freshers Week. If so that would make it easier for you to be able to stay overnight.
And secondly, you don't owe your ex anything, not a lift, time or conversation. Your DCs would be far better to see their DM standing up for themselves. You don't have to go into details, just a simple "I won't put you in that position, but I have my reasons for not wanting him in the car/saying no to him". If your ex brings it up, would your DS agree to tell him that of course he can come but he'd have to find his own way there and back?

I wouldn’t want my ex in the car either @stripycats and I suspect anyone horrified that you would refuse doesn’t have an ex husband and see the world from their ivory towers.

I would explain to your son - since he’s old enough - that you don’t want to be his dads taxi driver - he can make his own way there if he wants to go - but he’s old enough to understand there might be more to your divorce and his behaviour that he isn’t aware of and leave it at that

Not your choice as to whether ex attends, but not your job to facilitate him getting there. Definitely NBU to that, but YABU to say he can't attend.

It’s fair enough if your DS wants his dad there, but is absolutely not reasonable for anyone to expect you to provide exH transport. If he has form for getting his own way (a lift home in this case) then I think I’d just find out where the nearest train station, and drive him there if he tries that.

I also think that part of the university experience is about learning to navigate life and relationships, so perhaps if you just mentally frame this as part of that process. If you say no, your DS1 needs to understand to respect your boundaries, and accept that it’s a no. That being said, I think I’d lean in to the fact that is all going to be be very busy and hands on, so practically DS2 to would be able to help more, and wouldn’t it be nicer to have a visit from his DF to look forward to when he has settled in.

I helped drop my GCs off in city uni’s. We were given a half hour slot for a parking space, and had to have them unloaded, and the car moved within that half an hour.

It does get frantic, and the more help you have, the better.

If you can park elsewhere, then you can come back and meet up with them.

Stop catastrophing about what may happen and just lay out the ground rules with your DS.
If his Dad wants to come he can, but he has to make his own way there and back and he doesn’t have any rights to dictate to you the order of the day or plans.
Simple
But I also think you need to tell your DS about your history with his Dad, good or bad, as he’s old enough now to know

I used to work in Halls of Residence alongside my degree. We encouraged parents to drop their child (including helping them take everything to their room) and then leave. It won't be a fun, social, family-time experience for parents. More like drop-and-go. Not sure what point there is in having two parents do it. From memory, most (if not all) students just had the one parent to drive them and a car full of their belongings.

with your son in the front seat and the back seats down there will be no romnin the car also your son perhaps needs to be a bit more aware of some of the reasons and how you feel about your ex. Howeve4, he may want his dad to be part of his moving in day.
So here-'s my suggestion.
sit down with son. explain there's two reasons why his dad can't come in the car. 1) logistics..the car will be waybill of his stuff with the seats down and simply no room for his dad.
2) The reasons you and his dad split up are painful and unpleasant and you've kept the worst of it from him so as not to poison his relationship with his dad. You don't want to.go into details but you couldn't spend a whole day with the ex, and he wouldn't ask that of you if he knew everything and so.its a no to sharing the day
3) You understand he would like his dad or his dad would like to be part of his day. Why don't the tw9.of you travel down and unpack. Dad can get the train/ bus over from where he lives to.halls and can help him unpack and take him for dinner later ? That way the both of you can be part of the day, but not together ?

That is what I did.

If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would

Don’t offer him lifts for a graduation either. Don’t muddy the waters. Draw an immovable line in the sand.

If he wanted chummy lifts from his ex-wife post-divorce, he should have treated you better.

My parents did not speak for the last 17 years of my mum’s life. Including that fun, fun time at my uncle’s funeral where they sat opposite each other at the purvey and not a word nor glance was exchanged. It was awkward, but I understood.

Your son will need to get used to your boundaries. It’s a good lesson for offspring that they can’t treat their spouses in any old shitty way they choose, then expect favours afterwards.