To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

Blimey. This really is a strong reminder how ten people reading (say) an Agatha Christie, might each initially land on a different perpetrator!

I couldn’t discern much fear of his mother’s wrath nor a habit of treading softly in her midst, in general. Caring about her reactions doesn’t strike me as proven at all!
As for OP, she appears merely intent on finding some way of serving both his imperious demands and understandably ensuring that an emotionally difficult experience (over and above the farewell itself) is avoided.

The reality may well be just as you outline it, but my goodness it’s not how I grasped it at all. That’s a facer.

Why not suggest to the ex or suggest to DC that he suggest to his dad that he skips moving in day - which is very hectic - and instead arranges to go up to visit one weekend after he's moved in, take him out for lunch on a Saturday, for example? Moving in days are crowded, busy, exhausting, and unless your child is extremely shy or anxious and needs you there they are likely to be busy getting to know their new housemates and happy for you to go home once everything is in place.

That won’t help on the way back though. Maybe plan yourself a night in a hotel as a treat?

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

Sadly I know every gory detail and yes my Mother had every right to be aggrieved but short of DV I honestly believe there is no excuse. This comes from a place of lifelong emotional anguish. If you have children with someone unfortunately you are stuck with them and you need to find a way to make it easier for your unwittingly involved children

God I never thought I would defend ex, @Lafufufu , but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.

Has anyone who has dropped dc off in cities got any insight into how this would even work out? How long do parents tend to stay and how could we arrange to meet?

Do you think there's more to your parents' split than you've been told?

He hasn't said that, he said he won't say he can't come but he's fine with me not offering a lift.

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.