To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

totally agree, there is some seriously molly coddled adults on here who still think they’re the centre of the universe and that they’re parents should all be playing happy families to appease them!

It strikes me you are making a lot of unnecessary fuss about this. It is not the big event you think it is and it’s not your event in any case. Drop offs are exactly that and I’d be surprised if there was any need for you to stay longer than the time it takes to carry everything into your son’s new room.
If ds wants his dad there then you shouldn’t get in the way. It’s churlish to say you won’t drive him. If all four of you go you won’t have to be alone in the car on the way back.
That said, I suggest your ds would be far better off going on his own by train. You can always see him off at the station and go home for a good cry.

But only to us here on this forum.
Op hasn’t bad mouthed ex to her sons

Come on - mumsnet is here for people to vent where they can’t otherwise in real life. You should know this.If you don’t I’m a bit gobsmacked.

It already has been, at least between OP and her son. She knows her ex may be attending, and that no one is asking her to do anything to help him either get there or get home. The plans OP has with her son haven’t changed.

Anything beyond that is between him and his father 🤷🏻‍♀️ they’ll sort it or they won’t, but either way it’s not something OP needs to concern herself with.

Her son going to Uni isn’t about her. Her feelings of loss are not the responsibility of her son, or something he needs to centre, on his first day at Uni. As excited as he may be, he may also be nervous and anxious himself, and wants his father there as well as his mother. This is very much his choice and not hers, as he’s very plainly told her.

He’s not prioritizing either parent above the other, and nor is it reasonable to ask him to. OP is responsible for managing her own feelings, as her ex is responsible for managing his. Their feelings are not their son’s burden to carry.

Fair enough. :-)
I hope all the uncertainty re his dad’s attending will urgently be ironed out, and a concrete order of events agreed, not least that no transport can be offered, even if all the train drivers stage a lightning strike.
Setting OP’s mind at rest on that key point would greatly improve matters.

(It’s a task for the son which he might not fancy a lot, but only he can bring it off really. It’s a ‘bite the bullet’ chat with his dad maybe, but he’ll be all the better having managed it. )

I’m well aware I’m not in sync with most posters in this discussion.

I don’t want to carry on pissing them off, but as a last gasp, I’ll just reiterate that I strongly reject the idea that this lad’s wants and needs on any day less glorious (or even solemn) than his wedding/ installation as Archbishop of York/ reception at the Palace for a gong are more important than the high emotional turmoil affecting his mother.
I said elsewhere that I think it’s she who should be gently prioritised in arranging the trip, since she is the person enduring a loss, whereas the son is off to sunlit uplands and gaiety, we hope.
Nobody’s suggesting she be ‘kid gloved’ etc, but neither should she be dismissed as deserving no consideration.

Indeed I’d say it’s nobody’s personal ‘day’ at all, in terms of anyone as good as wearing a crown, the cynosure of all eyes (as seems to be the prevailing vibe), but rather an exciting milestone involving this new student (and truly, many hurrahs to him for getting this uni place) and his mum equally, and if his dad joins them in a way that will not marr either’s enjoyment of the send off, then hurrah again.
I just think there’s way too much pressure and expectation of bells and whistles in the air for them all.

You can stop him making his own way but no one can force you to give him a lift. You do the lions share of the parenting all DS life Plea

I didn’t get the impression he’s cowed by his mother either, tbf. The impression I got is that he’s not open to discussing it further with her.

It also doesn’t sound like he’s asking her to be ultra festive, or even particularly congenial with her ex. He’s just said that his father may there on the drop off day.

Yep, and any such pretence should not be asked of her by anyone, including offspring.

Ironically, the only person making a big thing of this is OP. No one has asked her to give her ex a lift.

Posters are insisting that it’s his day because, well, it is. What plans he makes with his father are between him and his father, not between the three of them. That OP may not like it doesn’t mean he’s done anything wrong, either.

What OP wants is not more important than what he wants on a day that centres him. If his father wants to go then he wants him there, the same as he wants his mother there.

I didn’t say he should do any such thing, but was responding to (and hoping to negate) a comment describing how he is cowed by his mother. I hadn’t gained that impression.

I do admit I thought the requirements concerning the car journey are a bit much and since I do not share this vibe of compulsory ultra-festive celebrations for such an occasion, I expressed that with a bit of hyperbole, it’s true. Too dramatic.

I ought not to pounce on your comment in particular, as this is about all the other comments in the same vein, but honest to God, anyone would think this were about an emotionally wrenching farewell at Southampton to a GI bride heading to the wilds of Minnesota, possibly never to be seen again by her parents.

This young man is only moving out and starting at university a couple of hours away. (He could come home every weekend, though the general and sensible idea is that it’ll be the last thing he’ll want)
It’s very exciting, and he’s definitely earned his tripes, but why there has to be such angst and fussing around for everyone really boggles me.

All this insistence that it’s ’his day’, and thus all his wishes are law, as though he were getting married or ordained, seems massively out of proportion to the actual day when he’s dropped off in hall or at digs.
What do such parents do at all, come graduation day? It all seems like terribly unregulated behaviour, though clearly it’s the norm now.

I do honestly wish OP a very happy day of it, but just wish she were not being encouraged here in the inflexible belief the student prince is actually the Sun King in all his pomp.

Above all I don’t think she deserves these brickbats for mentioning her own heavy apprehensions around the degree to which she may be required to interact with exH.
I think that far from her being required to masquerade as chuffed to spend the day with him for the sake of a quite unnecessary show of unity, her son should be the one being mindful of his mum’s double worry (she’s already in heartbreak mode about his departure into adulthood, so additional gut punches are cruel).

She is the one in the vulnerable emotional position on the day, not the son, (whom we can expect to be on a high of excitement and eagerness)
He could do a lot requiring very little effort, to ease her mind right now.

Leaving open the question of his dad’s possible involvement is not on, if he can pin dad down and exact clear agreement about it all (eg a train there and back, and absolutely no possibility of a lift)
It’d be a considerable gift to his mum and mean a great deal, I’d imagine.
Self interest is part of it: if both parents are clear about their ‘lines’, and the day’s expectations, so much anxiety and potential for upset would be lifted from the gathering. A much better day for him!

OP you can’t stop your ex going (nor should you) but you don’t have to facilitate it. If the situation occurs that he asks for a lift back then you simply say no, I am not comfortable to share a car journey with you for 2 hours. Simple and truthful. Leave your phone off if you think ex might contact you during the day. If he contacts your son saying where shall we meet, just tell son to give him the address of his halls where you are, not your problem how he gets there. If you finish by the time he arrives - so what? Not your problem. If he does turn up and hover uselessly whilst you are unpacking - just carry on as you would if he were not there, grey rock all the way. He is NOT your issue to fix, keep that mantra in your head the whole time. If you have all finished and it looks like he is angling to be included in a group meal, suggest that son have some quality time with his dad and push off home.

Why would he need to tread softly, or fear his mother’s wrath, over plans he may make with his father?

He hasn’t made any demands of her, imperious or otherwise, he’s simply told her his father may be there. That’s it.

Whether it’s making too big a deal over a Uni drop off, or may make the day complicated for him is irrelevant. He wasn’t asking should his father be there.

@stripycats I think you sound like a great parent, who just needs to make a slight adjustment to having adult kids rather than kid kids.

And bollocks to having to have a co-parenting relationship as the parents of adult children. I've absolutely expressed that to mine that I don't like their father and find it difficult to spend time with him. I've also made sure to tell them that my relationship with him shouldn't affect their relationship with him.

His awfulness as a husband (which I have not and probably will not fully explain to them ever) doesn't make him a bad father. There are other things that make him that but it's my job to teach my kids to navigate their relationship with him, but only in the same way that it's my job to help them to navigate any relationship that they have.

.
When they moan about him to me, I listen to them and validate their feelings and try to help them to manage their emotions in exactly the same way I would when they moan to me about a romantic partner or friends or flatmates.

You've done your coparenting. (Well you will have done in two years for your youngest. You don't need to facilitate the relationship between two adults anymore. You are almost free of him, and the need you seem to have still been carrying to look after him. Celebrate that!

@stripycats youre not being unreasonable anyone and everyone on this thread expecting you to take your ex in your car is being unreasonable. I wouldn’t take my ex either never mind sit with him in a car on my own for 2 hours x

It is my opinion that lying to one's children is generally a mistake.

And if it would be a lie to pretend an ex was a fine chap and there is nothing the matter with him, divorcing him was just an impulse decision made for no reason, why are mothers always expected to do it?

I am referring to the son.
And while there’s every chance I am making things up as you claim, how could anyone here know better than OP what is or is not the case, yet you say she too is at the same caper!

Why don’t you suggest that you do the drop off and set up weekend, and that he invites dad up the following weekend to see him once he’s settled in. He’ll get longer to talk to him and show him around as there won’t be the jobs to do like on the first day. If he insists on going that day, then just make it clear he needs to get the train. If he asks outright for a lift home just say sorry, no. You don’t need to give him a reason. And don’t pick up any hints he drops if he doesn’t ask directly.

If this was the case I think your DS would need to get his dad to meet him at the halls, tell him to get an Uber to the halls and meet you there, leaving the halls and trying to meet him at the station/in the city centre seems daft really.

Also fwiw I don't think yabu at all. my DD was due to go to uni this year but is taking a gap year. I absolutely would not agree to take her dad with me in the car, not a hope in hell. I wouldn't even want him there but would grit my teeth for my daughter's sake if she did want him there. I would not be offering him a lift back and if he asked I'd just say "no sorry, I can't" and don't elaborate at all.

I think you’re over-thinking this OP. There are some variables you can’t and shouldn’t try to control - whether ex comes up and hangs around awkwardly is the main one.

Focus on a decision about what you can control. This is not wanting to take ex in the car or drive back with him. It’s totally reasonable. Just be clear with DS about it so he doesn’t have or create any expectation. And then make peace with a white lie about ‘heading somewhere else’ on the way home.

FWIW my DH’s high-conflict exP has made a total nuisance of herself expecting lifts to and from Uni. DH didn’t want to spend any time with her and especially not just the two of them on the way home. He sucked it up for the very first drop off but has dodged her every time since. It hasn’t stopped her practically demanding a space in our car for events etc. Her self-awareness is nil so it was up to DH to set and keep boundaries.

Omg 😳
so judgemental, about OP, DS, the ex and all the relationships!!!
How do you know how DS feels, do your powers extend to predicting lotto numbers?!

OPs ex is disabled and the OP has said he won't be able to help with the lifting and carrying.