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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 22:26

Hasn’t the OP been rude and judgemental about her ex-husband? And you’ve just accepted her judgements of him…

Kelly1969 · 03/09/2025 21:29

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 07:23

You introduced all of those factors within your posts - using them to justify your blinkered ‘please assure me that my selfishness is ok’ bleatings.

You said right at the beginning that you might be unreasonable.

You were right, 50% of us who voted think you are!

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The OP blurred the lines of the AIBU question by making it about her not wanting the ex there, when it seemed to be more about giving him a lift which even tho not asked for would have been a distinct possibility.
Even the people that disagreed with OP were on the whole not rude and judgemental like you were.

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 16:24

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 11:26

There’s no need to be so spiteful

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Is it spiteful to call a spade a spade?

Costcogroupie · 03/09/2025 15:01

Unfortunately you don't really have a say in whether or not your ex turns up on moving day, or at other future events involving your son, but you can control what you do or don't do with regards spending any time with him alone ie road trips etc.

Your son is old enough to be made aware that you don't wish to spend any time with his father and that he shouldn't be encouraging such situations, but that needn't affect their relationship. He must have worked out by now you got divorced for a reason. I think it would be appropriate to make the situation clear to him now.

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 11:26

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 07:23

You introduced all of those factors within your posts - using them to justify your blinkered ‘please assure me that my selfishness is ok’ bleatings.

You said right at the beginning that you might be unreasonable.

You were right, 50% of us who voted think you are!

Show quote history

There’s no need to be so spiteful

Swiftie1878 · 03/09/2025 07:56

Lockdownsceptic · 01/09/2025 21:59

It strikes me you are making a lot of unnecessary fuss about this. It is not the big event you think it is and it’s not your event in any case. Drop offs are exactly that and I’d be surprised if there was any need for you to stay longer than the time it takes to carry everything into your son’s new room.
If ds wants his dad there then you shouldn’t get in the way. It’s churlish to say you won’t drive him. If all four of you go you won’t have to be alone in the car on the way back.
That said, I suggest your ds would be far better off going on his own by train. You can always see him off at the station and go home for a good cry.

Tricky with all his ‘stuff’ to carry!
Not saying it can’t be done, but the usual would be a car packed to the rafters! 😂

herbalteabag · 03/09/2025 07:54

Maybe he won't even want to come, since you say it's only your ds who has brought it up so far. But I agree, he can travel on the train. I wouldn't suggest they meet after you leave - moving into uni is bedlam and takes ages. I did not appreciate the amount of walks to/from the car, which wasn't even parked at the accommodation itself. My drive was twice as long and I was too tired to help my son properly so I would have preferred another person! I understand why you don't want him there though, especially in the car.

Swiftie1878 · 03/09/2025 07:50

InterIgnis · 01/09/2025 21:18

It already has been, at least between OP and her son. She knows her ex may be attending, and that no one is asking her to do anything to help him either get there or get home. The plans OP has with her son haven’t changed.

Anything beyond that is between him and his father 🤷🏻‍♀️ they’ll sort it or they won’t, but either way it’s not something OP needs to concern herself with.

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If all this is the case, why the thread?

opencecilgee · 03/09/2025 07:39

Say he cant come. He visit on the train once son is settled

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 03/09/2025 07:32

Totally with you OP.
In your shoes I wouldn't be wanting ex in the car. He can take the train .

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 07:23

stripycats · 03/09/2025 06:03

@Saladbrains Yes, I asked for opinions on ex going to uni drop-off, not baseless suppositions and assumptions amounting to a character assassination of me on the back of your own prejudices and unfortunate experiences.

You introduced all of those factors within your posts - using them to justify your blinkered ‘please assure me that my selfishness is ok’ bleatings.

You said right at the beginning that you might be unreasonable.

You were right, 50% of us who voted think you are!

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 07:20

thepariscrimefiles · 03/09/2025 06:21

Your crass, insulting and ageist response to @Kelly1969 tells us all we need to know about your morals and value system. How you have the bare faced cheek to subject OP and the rest of us to your sanctimonious claptrap, I don't know.

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🎯 Bullseye

cloudtreecarpet · 03/09/2025 06:55

I have only read your posts OP but I totally get your situation & was in a very similar one myself.

Luckily for me by exH can drive and had more flexibility with days off so in our case he took our DD and I said my goodbyes at home. Tbh, I actually preferred that to the sad drive home. My DD didn't mind & I dressed it up as not being able to get a day off (she moved in on a weekday) so she didn't think it was because me & her dad couldn't get on.

I think you shouldn't give any headspace to your ex and what he is planning to do on the day. Let him sort himself out, it's not your job. I would explain to your son that lift sharing isn't really practical so he doesn't offer lifts on your behalf. You say he knows you and his dad don't really get on.

Your exH is an adult who you say travels by train regularly so he can do that on this occasion.

If he asks for a lift home on the day, and it's too awkward in front of DS to say no, once you have said your goodbyes and left I would say to exH that you are just driving him as far as the station & he can make his way home from there.

He & his transport are not your responsibility.

As far as having to share the day with him, it's just one of the many situations you have to suck up as a co-parent with someone you treated you like crap. Just ignore him as much as possible on the day & focus on your DS.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/09/2025 06:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your crass, insulting and ageist response to @Kelly1969 tells us all we need to know about your morals and value system. How you have the bare faced cheek to subject OP and the rest of us to your sanctimonious claptrap, I don't know.

Original poster
stripycats · 03/09/2025 06:03

@Saladbrains Yes, I asked for opinions on ex going to uni drop-off, not baseless suppositions and assumptions amounting to a character assassination of me on the back of your own prejudices and unfortunate experiences.

OP posts:
Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kelly1969 · 02/09/2025 19:59

stripycats · 01/09/2025 16:28

Wow - I wish I had your confidence. Are you really so absolutely sure that this is the situation? No little niggle in your (salad?) brain that says actually I don't know this woman and am accusing her of being a shit parent based on a few posts on the internet? Do you think you might be projecting? That's all I can think when people misrepresent, twist and add to what has been written, with a clear agenda.

As I have already mentioned, ds finds it a lot easier to be straight with me and tell me how it is than he does his dad. He would never say to his dad, for example, 'it's not up to you,' as he has said to me about this matter. Ever. When my dc play up/are cheeky to me, I have on occasion said, 'Do you speak to your dad like this?' and once got the reply, 'No but we're not as close,' so I take that as a compliment! I know that if ex says he wants to come, ds will find it vey difficult/impossible to say no, even if it doesn't really fit with how the day goes, which several people on here have agreed with me might well be the case. I definitely don't take that to mean he doesn't want him there - I think in principle he genuinely doesn't mind either way - but I'd be very surprised if he desperately wants him there.

And I'm sorry, but you don't know my ex. As a role model he genuinely is pretty rubbish and I honestly think he would say the same. As a father he really hasn't been great on a practical level but, as I said, he's got better as they've got older and I know he loves them and they love him, and I've said that to them many times when the relationship has wobbled.

They know we don't get on and I'm not going to say that I've handled every situation perfectly and found the perfect words to say every time, but I don't badmouth him and they aren't afraid to say anything positive about him. I've encouraged them to see his side when they've been pissed off with him, which used to happen frequently but has eased as they've got older.

I don't know why I felt the need to justify myself and I really shouldn't bother, but I've typed it now so I'm posting it, but really, maybe you should open yourself up to the possibility that you know all about strangers' lives and relationships when you've never even met.

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Honestly I don’t know why you responded to this vile comment!
How can she think she knows so much about you, your ex and your DSs from a MN post, unbelievable!

Kelly1969 · 02/09/2025 19:53

Saladbrains · 02/09/2025 10:37

We’re all proffering our judgements here - it’s merely that yours don’t align with mine is all.

Do you always get triggered when people don’t agree with you…

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Haha 🤣 please MN bring back the laughing emoji for posts like this!!
honestly I can’t be arsed to decipher the waffle you posed which apparently is about “badmouthing”!!!
saladbrains, more like 💩 brains!

MrsMcGarry · 02/09/2025 14:25

Saladbrains · 02/09/2025 10:31

Let’s be crystal clear about something.

When a person says “I don’t badmouth his dad” what do they mean?

Do they mean what they wrote: that they don’t badmouth him?

Or, do they mean something else, AND do they assume that anyone reading this knows what they mean, even though they did it explain the caveat?

Do they mean that they don’t badmouth his dad, apart from this special circumstance and that presumed platform?

The habit of not bad-mouthing someone is far more likely to succeed, for the children, if in the heart, in the mind, and in spirit, we don’t badmouth someone.

If we badmouth someone in our heads, and within our hearts, then no matter what we say or don’t say, our feeling and intentions come across, even though we don’t actually say the words.

Same as when she says she doesn’t badmouth him, we all know that she does, on anonymous platforms, her sons know deep down inside that she badmouths their dad.

Regardless of what she says or doesn’t say, the u der lying meaning comes across.

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So your problem here is the woman not being able to forgive the useless husband.

Is it just women who have to be this forgiving in our hearts to people who have treated us badly?

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 02/09/2025 12:50

Saladbrains · 02/09/2025 10:31

Let’s be crystal clear about something.

When a person says “I don’t badmouth his dad” what do they mean?

Do they mean what they wrote: that they don’t badmouth him?

Or, do they mean something else, AND do they assume that anyone reading this knows what they mean, even though they did it explain the caveat?

Do they mean that they don’t badmouth his dad, apart from this special circumstance and that presumed platform?

The habit of not bad-mouthing someone is far more likely to succeed, for the children, if in the heart, in the mind, and in spirit, we don’t badmouth someone.

If we badmouth someone in our heads, and within our hearts, then no matter what we say or don’t say, our feeling and intentions come across, even though we don’t actually say the words.

Same as when she says she doesn’t badmouth him, we all know that she does, on anonymous platforms, her sons know deep down inside that she badmouths their dad.

Regardless of what she says or doesn’t say, the u der lying meaning comes across.

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I am strongly reminded of an occasion (quite recent) on which a Pope advised the Faithful that any man who looked with admiration at a woman was committing adultery in his heart.

Have you considered the possibility that both OP's sons are well aware their father is a shit, not because of anything felt or thought by their mother but from their own observation of his behaviour over the past several years? They may even (if they are not extremely stupid, which even people accepted into universities may not be) wonder why she feels that she has to lie to them all the time when nobody could possibly have lived with their father and not realised he was a shit. They might even feel vaguely cross that she never warned them about him.

This was the experience of a friend of mine, who made a serious effort never in word or deed or thought to allow her daughter to know she thought her ex an abusive deadbeat. When the daughter was an adult, she sat her mother down and lectured her about the folly of lying about it, when anyone with half an eye could see he never paid a penny towards her upkeep and never really cared about her at all except when he thought it might be to his benefit to pretend to.

Saladbrains · 02/09/2025 10:37

Kelly1969 · 01/09/2025 18:55

Omg 😳
so judgemental, about OP, DS, the ex and all the relationships!!!
How do you know how DS feels, do your powers extend to predicting lotto numbers?!

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We’re all proffering our judgements here - it’s merely that yours don’t align with mine is all.

Do you always get triggered when people don’t agree with you…

Saladbrains · 02/09/2025 10:31

thepariscrimefiles · 02/09/2025 05:59

I presume that she means that she doesn't badmouth her ex to their children.

Bad-mouthing her shitty ex-husband on an anonymous forum isn't remotely the same. Mumsnet is supposed to be a safe place for people to vent about difficult people in their lives.

Show quote history

Let’s be crystal clear about something.

When a person says “I don’t badmouth his dad” what do they mean?

Do they mean what they wrote: that they don’t badmouth him?

Or, do they mean something else, AND do they assume that anyone reading this knows what they mean, even though they did it explain the caveat?

Do they mean that they don’t badmouth his dad, apart from this special circumstance and that presumed platform?

The habit of not bad-mouthing someone is far more likely to succeed, for the children, if in the heart, in the mind, and in spirit, we don’t badmouth someone.

If we badmouth someone in our heads, and within our hearts, then no matter what we say or don’t say, our feeling and intentions come across, even though we don’t actually say the words.

Same as when she says she doesn’t badmouth him, we all know that she does, on anonymous platforms, her sons know deep down inside that she badmouths their dad.

Regardless of what she says or doesn’t say, the u der lying meaning comes across.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/09/2025 05:59

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:28

“… but I don’t badmouth him [the ex]”

You don’t realise it but you have repeatedly bad-mouthed your sons’ father in these posts.

Over and over and over.

You don’t realise you’re doing it…

I presume that she means that she doesn't badmouth her ex to their children.

Bad-mouthing her shitty ex-husband on an anonymous forum isn't remotely the same. Mumsnet is supposed to be a safe place for people to vent about difficult people in their lives.

Millytante · 02/09/2025 05:04

Bunny65 · 02/09/2025 00:33

Why does it have to be seen as a "loss"? And the OP has another child at home still so I hope she doesn't feel bereft. But really, if the son hadn't got his results, if he hadn't got into his first-choice university, if he was sitting at home miserable and depressed while his friends all left for their universities, how much worse would that be? I'm sorry if people feel upset by it because they really don't need to - the kids are back for the holidays all the time, they aren't emigrating. And apart from that parents can always go to visit now and then.

Edited
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Oh Lord, it’s not I who’d feel any such loss at all. Heart of stone, it seems!
I can’t see any sense in the evidently widespread desire to turn the occasion into an Occasion. All the rest of what you say reflects exactly where I’m at about the whole affair.
A relief to read it all, too.

So I was referring to OP’s mention of feeling pretty wibbly at saying goodbye, that’s all. (Yeah though, rather overstating the case maybe. Mea culpa)

Having said all that, I do feel for her all the same, particularly as she’s being hounded here about the matter of priorities, and I reckon the son having to be King For A Day is a regrettable pressure, and part of a general kid-centric culture I feel is daily shown to have been a very bad move for society ( a rant for another day!).
Though I see newer posts are stating aspects of this far better than I can.

Bunny65 · 02/09/2025 00:33

Millytante · 01/09/2025 21:03

I’m well aware I’m not in sync with most posters in this discussion.

I don’t want to carry on pissing them off, but as a last gasp, I’ll just reiterate that I strongly reject the idea that this lad’s wants and needs on any day less glorious (or even solemn) than his wedding/ installation as Archbishop of York/ reception at the Palace for a gong are more important than the high emotional turmoil affecting his mother.
I said elsewhere that I think it’s she who should be gently prioritised in arranging the trip, since she is the person enduring a loss, whereas the son is off to sunlit uplands and gaiety, we hope.
Nobody’s suggesting she be ‘kid gloved’ etc, but neither should she be dismissed as deserving no consideration.

Indeed I’d say it’s nobody’s personal ‘day’ at all, in terms of anyone as good as wearing a crown, the cynosure of all eyes (as seems to be the prevailing vibe), but rather an exciting milestone involving this new student (and truly, many hurrahs to him for getting this uni place) and his mum equally, and if his dad joins them in a way that will not marr either’s enjoyment of the send off, then hurrah again.
I just think there’s way too much pressure and expectation of bells and whistles in the air for them all.

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Why does it have to be seen as a "loss"? And the OP has another child at home still so I hope she doesn't feel bereft. But really, if the son hadn't got his results, if he hadn't got into his first-choice university, if he was sitting at home miserable and depressed while his friends all left for their universities, how much worse would that be? I'm sorry if people feel upset by it because they really don't need to - the kids are back for the holidays all the time, they aren't emigrating. And apart from that parents can always go to visit now and then.