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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/09/2025 20:01

That not at all what she said now is it. 🫣

CherrieTomaties · 23/09/2025 19:56

Sorry I don’t understand.

You didn’t want him involved.

Now he’s confirmed he definitely won’t be involved - you don’t like it?

MrsJeanLuc · 23/09/2025 19:48

Well, that's taken the pressure off you at least

MeridianB · 23/09/2025 19:34

Why did he pay no maintenance?

Original poster
stripycats · 23/09/2025 19:28

Well, I have an update and outcome.

Ex has told me (but not the dc - I had to) that he is going away on Monday and will be away for two week, which will include the weekend that ds goes. So much for him wanting to be there and all the rest of it. It also means he is away for some of 'his' planned time with ds before he goes, meaning ds feels he has to rearrange some plans with his friends to be able to see his dad before he goes. I feel like saying don't bother, but I won't. So at least there is no dilemma or threat of awkward car journeys etc, but I do feel a bit sad for ds that ex has done this. No way would I go away and miss out on any of the time I have with him before he goes. It also means ex will be having 3 x 2 week holidays this year, all while paying no CMS or making any contribution to ds for uni.

OP posts:
Marieb19 · 07/09/2025 18:57

Having dropped off 3 sons at university, I can tell you they were more keen on meeting their new flat mates, speaking to the club and group reps etc and really didn't want us hanging around.
You absolutely do not have to offer your ex a lift. If your ex wants to be there, that is for him to organise but i fear it will be a wasted journey and he would be better waiting a month, when your son is settled in and would appreciate a free meal.

Kelly1969 · 07/09/2025 11:15

Americano75 · 01/09/2025 16:43

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but unless you've been in a toxic marriage that's ended in divorce you've really no idea of the lasting damage it can do. Personally I'm able to be civil to my ex when our paths cross, cordial even, but I'd never judge anyone who couldn't manage that.

And my ex never laid a finger on me. He still managed to inflict plenty of damage.

Edited
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100% this!
There is a reason that Domestuc Abuse is now used, not just Domestic violence,

Kelly1969 · 07/09/2025 10:53

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 22:26

Hasn’t the OP been rude and judgemental about her ex-husband? And you’ve just accepted her judgements of him…

Hmm 🤔 I “think” the op actually knows her Ex so is absolutely in a position to make judgement of him!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 04/09/2025 16:16

40YearOldDad · 04/09/2025 15:34

Again, it's not for her to decide; she may not want him there, and that's fine, but to say he's not welcome is not true; it has nothing to do with her.

Because she asked how she should approach it, my advice would have been the same if she were a lesbian.

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If it is not for her to decide, and has nothing to do with her, it is not for her to volunteer a welcome to him either, which was what I was (and am) saying. It has been advocated that she should get in touch with him to tell him he would be welcome but she wouldn't give him a lift. The first part of that would involve her being untruthful, because as far as she is concerned he would not be welcome; the second part should not need saying. She has not offered him a lift, any more than I have offered him a lift or you have offered him a lift; the question simply does not and should not arise. Certainly she should not raise it; it is only going to give him ideas if she does.

MistyMountainTop · 04/09/2025 15:55

No, @40YearOldDad , she should not raise the subject with him - it's nothing to do with her, it's between her son and her ex. BUT hopefully she's now better prepared on what to say if he turns up, wants a lift or anything else because all possible scenarios seem to have been discussed here!

40YearOldDad · 04/09/2025 15:34

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 04/09/2025 14:43

40YearOldDad
My previous message, or a version of it, covers what she needs to say to her ex

Why on God's green earth should the OP be expected to go and tell him he is welcome, when as far as she is concerned he is not welcome, there or anywhere? It's just another example of a woman being advised to tell lies in order to pander to a male. That is what I am objecting to.

Not to mention that if she goes trotting off to consult with him she is playing right into his hands and showing him that in spite of having walked out on her and her children he can control her behaviour, which I am fairly sure is something she really, really would not want him to think.

Again, it's not for her to decide; she may not want him there, and that's fine, but to say he's not welcome is not true; it has nothing to do with her.

Because she asked how she should approach it, my advice would have been the same if she were a lesbian.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 04/09/2025 14:43

40YearOldDad
My previous message, or a version of it, covers what she needs to say to her ex

Why on God's green earth should the OP be expected to go and tell him he is welcome, when as far as she is concerned he is not welcome, there or anywhere? It's just another example of a woman being advised to tell lies in order to pander to a male. That is what I am objecting to.

Not to mention that if she goes trotting off to consult with him she is playing right into his hands and showing him that in spite of having walked out on her and her children he can control her behaviour, which I am fairly sure is something she really, really would not want him to think.

40YearOldDad · 04/09/2025 13:29

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 04/09/2025 12:13

More lies, though. As far as OP is concerned he is NOT welcome, so why should she be expected to seek him out in order to tell him untruthfully that he is? And why should he be entitled to her giving him her itinerary for the day?

It's like saying he's not welcome to his wedding if he gets married. Son, on the face of it has no problem with him attending, so he is welcome if he wants to come. Just because mom doesn't want him there doesn't mean he's not welcome to come along. It's not for the OP to decide, really; her view has no relevance. (Sorry that sounds really arsey, even though it's not meant to be)

OP has stated they have an okay relationship, but rightly so, doesn't want to be trapped in a car with him for 2 hours.

'but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.' -

'Ex is also a very last minute person, so quite likely to suddenly say the night before, 'what time am I seeing you at X uni tomorrow?!'

My previous message, or a version of it, covers what she needs to say to her ex without it hanging over their heads, possibly until the day before they are meant to go, putting her in a really shite position.

andfinallyhereweare · 04/09/2025 12:57

These responses are so strange, @stripycats has said she is worried about being in a car with her ex, at no point did she say she would block the ex from coming or say anything to her son meaning his dad can’t come. She’s just raised concerns about logistics. Why is everyone jumping on op? It’s not a big deal people are allowed to not want to spend prolonged time with their exs and feel anxious about it! And it is different badmouthing an ex on here than it is in real life f2f to the kids…

Nearly50omg · 04/09/2025 12:18

The OP was in an abusive relationship with her ex!! Have the people who are having a go at her actually read that and taken it on?!?! Why should she give a lift to an abusive ex??? She doesn’t owe him anything!! If he was on fire she wouldn’t need to piss on him!!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 04/09/2025 12:13

More lies, though. As far as OP is concerned he is NOT welcome, so why should she be expected to seek him out in order to tell him untruthfully that he is? And why should he be entitled to her giving him her itinerary for the day?

40YearOldDad · 04/09/2025 11:08

Just have a private word with dad. You know you can't stop him coming, but you don't have to take him.

Look, X and I have spoken, and you're welcome to meet us at the university drop-off. We aim to get there at 11:00. I should be there for about one hour getting him set up, etc. X is happy if you want to come at 11:00 or a bit later, it's up to you.

if you want to quash all possible chances of him expecting a lift you could add that you feel it would be best if you travelled on your own.

sugarapplelane · 04/09/2025 10:52

Saladbrains · 04/09/2025 10:43

You see what I mean - there you go again.

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Well you do have to admit you’ve been a bit of a bitchy cow to Op haven’t you, without really knowing any of the history as to why she is feeling anxious.
Maybe have a bit of compassion and understanding instead of posting about about her selfish blinkered beatings.

Saladbrains · 04/09/2025 10:43

sugarapplelane · 04/09/2025 09:52

Well - only someone who is at great pains within themselves can be so spiteful openly on a forum like you are.

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You see what I mean - there you go again.

sugarapplelane · 04/09/2025 09:52

Saladbrains · 04/09/2025 09:50

We all make judgements, don’t we.
Like you just did - but that’s ok isn’t it.

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Well - only someone who is at great pains within themselves can be so spiteful openly on a forum like you are.

Saladbrains · 04/09/2025 09:50

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 22:55

Saladbrains is making her/himself look bad by continuing to post on this thread.
They came across as so vindictive and full of vitriol.
It does make you wonder what is going on in their life to make them so nasty.

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We all make judgements, don’t we.
Like you just did - but that’s ok isn’t it.

InterIgnis · 03/09/2025 23:37

Swiftie1878 · 03/09/2025 07:50

If all this is the case, why the thread?

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Because she’s anxious over an imagined scenario, and doesn’t like the fact her son made a decision she isn’t in agreement with. It’s all right there in the OP.

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 22:55

Kelly1969 · 02/09/2025 19:59

Honestly I don’t know why you responded to this vile comment!
How can she think she knows so much about you, your ex and your DSs from a MN post, unbelievable!

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Saladbrains is making her/himself look bad by continuing to post on this thread.
They came across as so vindictive and full of vitriol.
It does make you wonder what is going on in their life to make them so nasty.

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 22:47

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 22:26

Hasn’t the OP been rude and judgemental about her ex-husband? And you’ve just accepted her judgements of him…

I think Op knows more about her ex than you. She lived with him so knows what he’s like.
She has every right to be anxious about Uni moving in day. She doesn’t want to be put in a position where she shares a car with him and you know what - that’s ok.

sugarapplelane · 03/09/2025 22:45

Saladbrains · 03/09/2025 16:24

Is it spiteful to call a spade a spade?

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There’s a kind way to call a spade a spade and there is a spiteful way and you have chosen the latter. Your posts are callous and nasty and have a spiteful undertone.