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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
AnSolas · 30/08/2025 12:41

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 12:19

@AnSolasex can’t drive due to medical issue

Doh! ☺️

Thank you!

I missed ex
Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.
☺️

But he can bus it or get family or friends if he wants to go.

ConfusedNoMore · 30/08/2025 12:41

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:40

Thanks @NewYorkSummer . I really don't want him hanging around there at all and I think it will be horribly awkward if we are all in the room. I feel like he hasn't done much actual parenting so don't see a need for him to be there but I know that's wrong but I can't help how I feel. Maybe we should get there early, set up the room and then go for lunch and then I go and he arrives after that.

The timing might not be up to you I'm afraid. I think a lot of halls give you a slot, but I stand to be corrected if others know better.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/08/2025 12:41

if you do not want to provide lifts, fair enough, just say so.
your son is entitled to want him there, and apparently does -public transport is available.
make your position clear and stop catastrophising that there'll be a train strike/cancellation/whatever.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:40

Thanks @NewYorkSummer . I really don't want him hanging around there at all and I think it will be horribly awkward if we are all in the room. I feel like he hasn't done much actual parenting so don't see a need for him to be there but I know that's wrong but I can't help how I feel. Maybe we should get there early, set up the room and then go for lunch and then I go and he arrives after that.

OP posts:
Flamingoknees · 30/08/2025 12:40

Lafufufu · 30/08/2025 12:26

He can come...but you'll meet him there

If he is so desperate to participate he can find his own transport. Cheeky fucker.

That's a bit harsh - he hasn't even said he wants to go, never mind asked for a lift. It's just DS wondering/asking mum. OP has then spiralled into a lot of what ifs and assumptions.

ConfusedNoMore · 30/08/2025 12:38

It sounds like all this is coming from your DS and not your ex tbh.

I think it's not up to him to offer a lift or to include his Dad in your arrangements. It is up to him to work out how/when he wants his Dad there and this is likely separate to you.

I think you are usually given a time slot for keys etc. I think if he wants to be there, then just going to be awkward but maybe he could take DS for tea after unpacking, if you get him there and settled in initially. It's really hard for you. I'm sorry.

Although I can just about tolerate a chat with exh on the doorstep, I frankly cannot forget or forgive the things he's done to me and I don't feel safe around him. I will have to consider these issues in the future too @stripycats. It's not easy.

AlwaysFreezing · 30/08/2025 12:38

If he was thinking straight he'd offer to go up the following weekend or the one after to do a bit of a supermarket shop or go for lunch and to buy a winter coat or something. And while you're there, take the younger dc out for a couple of hours to break up the day for them.

Makes way more sense to me!

If he's there on the day, he's there. And if he got himself there he can get himself home or get a hotel if he cant get home. Not your concern at all. But stupid idea if you ask me!

ChloeCannotCanCan · 30/08/2025 12:34

It’s up to your son if he wants his dad there at an important day - you would be unreasonable to say he can’t come. However, you don’t have to give ex H a lift and it’s completely reasonable for you to have that boundary. Ex H can be part of the day but he gets himself there and back without your involvement.

Owly11 · 30/08/2025 12:34

Why don’t you give him a lift there for your son but make it clear you can’t give him a lift back (no need to give any reason).

NewYorkSummer · 30/08/2025 12:34

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:28

God I never thought I would defend ex, @Lafufufu , but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.

Has anyone who has dropped dc off in cities got any insight into how this would even work out? How long do parents tend to stay and how could we arrange to meet?

We’ve dropped off in cities. We could only park at the halls to unload then had to find a nearby car park for a few hours. DH and I stayed a while, helped unpack and set up, then went to do some shopping and have something to eat. You could arrange to meet at a set time at a nearby coffee shop or cafe maybe, have a drink together, then you come home and son takes dad back to accommodation for a few hours. He’ll still have plenty of time to meet others (presumably freshers week?) and you may find not everyone else has moved in yet anyway, or other parents are also hanging around for a few hours.

OnGoldenPond · 30/08/2025 12:32

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:13

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.

No you absolutely do not have to drive him in your car. So what if he has to use a rail replacement bus and has a longer journey? He is an adult and will cope like anyone else would. His travel arrangements aren’t your problem. Just say no I can’t give you a lift. No further explanation necessary.

Anonymous23456 · 30/08/2025 12:32

You are being unreasonable saying he can't come. You are not being unreasonable to say you won't drive him. You dont get to choose egos there but you do get to choose who you transport. If his travel arrangements are tricky he's an adult and he can work it out. You don't have to rescue him.

SutekhsEars · 30/08/2025 12:31

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:16

Can't do hotel as I'm a teacher so no such thing as taking a leave day and I also have another dc at home (16) so wouldn't stay overnight. Also, friends etc are all local to where we live so would be hard to invent staying elsewhere - I think he'd know I was lying.

It's 2 hours each way - so 4 in total.

Does it matter if your ex knows you're lying? Or just keep it vague and say you're not going straight home as you have 'things to do on the way back.' If he says he can just come and wait in the car, just say 'no thanks.'
Don't apologise, don't explain.

BenignKipper · 30/08/2025 12:31

Sorry - I hear ya and everything… but this just isn’t your day.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:28

God I never thought I would defend ex, @Lafufufu , but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.

Has anyone who has dropped dc off in cities got any insight into how this would even work out? How long do parents tend to stay and how could we arrange to meet?

OP posts:
alwayshungryhippo · 30/08/2025 12:27

I voted you are being unreasonable because it’s your sons decision whether he wants him there or not.
However, you are not being unreasonable for not wanting him in your car and he can make his own travel arrangements

Lafufufu · 30/08/2025 12:26

He can come...but you'll meet him there

If he is so desperate to participate he can find his own transport. Cheeky fucker.

BessieSurtees · 30/08/2025 12:24

YANBU to not want to drive him but if your DS wants him there YABU to say you don’t want him there. Your DS is old enough to understand and respect your reasons for not offering a lift either way.

If your ex has transport problems then recall a time when he let you down and use that to remind you to say no. Or as many others have suggested say you have somewhere else to be. A look around the City or somewhere close by.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:24

Thanks everyone - I did think it was UR to say he can't come and the last thing I want to do is spoil it for ds but I really don't want it hanging over me. I also thought about suggesting what @NewYorkSummer did and saying ex could meet him later, but then I thought ds should be in the halls once he's there, meeting people, not having to go out and meet his dad? But I suppose that's not my call?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2025 12:23

If he wants to turn up thats between him and DS but you don't need to be involved and you certainly don't have to facilitate any of it

BuckChuckets · 30/08/2025 12:22

If DS is old enough to be going to uni, surely you're able to explain honestly that ex has done things that means he will not be welcome in your car for either leg of the journey. Obviously you don't have to tell him all the details if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

Goodadvice1980 · 30/08/2025 12:21

OP you don’t have to give anyone a lift if you don’t want to. Your car, your rules.

If your ex starts making noises about the trains etc just grey rock & ignore him. Why would you be forcedto give ex a lift home? The answer is no.

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 12:19

@AnSolasex can’t drive due to medical issue

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 12:18

Yes you are being absolutely UR to say ex can’t come and your son (who sounds like a really decent young adult) will resent it. You don’t have to have your ex in your car under any circumstances if you don’t want to, if there’s a train problem for return that’s for him to sort out, same as anyone who travels by train.

youalright · 30/08/2025 12:17

Its not your decision on whether he comes or not it absolutely is your decision to not allow him in your car.

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