To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

Why dont you suggest to your DS that as you will have 2 hrs with him to yourself in the car, you will drop him off and unload the car and then say your goodbyes so his Dad can help him unpack and settle in? Then you are free to go home solo…

Or, maybe suggest to your DS that you do drop off and then he makes a plan for Dad to do a day visit in a few weeks so he has that to look forward to and if there is anything else he needs at that stage Dad can bring it/take him shopping, and out for a nice lunch after forst weeks of student ‘dining’.

I agree with this - when we dropped off our youngest, we helped him get his stuff in, said a quick hello to housemates, gave him a hug and left. I had a good cry on the way home! The halls he was in had a social night with dominos pizza and he stayed up late playing cards and getting to know his new housemates 😊

I think you would be unreasonable to say he can't come (and you can't stop him anyway) and also I think it's up to your son whether he wants him there or not. But you are under absolutely no obligation to give him a lift under any circumstances, and you can make that very clear. If DS had a problem with that, tell him that you have very good reasons for not wanting to spend any time with your ex that you are not going to discuss with him. You can also say that you may well be feeling very emotional and a bit upset on the way back and you don't want your ex in your car.

At the end of the day there will be some things that you will have to share with ex because you have a child with him - graduation, weddings, christenings etc will all be part of your future and you can be pleasant enough and polite on these occasions. But I think you're well within your rights to not take him in your car, ever.

Would you ex even want to be in the car with you for 2 hours on the way back?

You can’t dictate what time your DS has his dad in his new home. This day isn’t about you. You seem to have planned out your day right down to when you’re going to cry - it’s actually your DS’s day more than yours. You still need to be his parent. He’s going to university 2 hours away. It’s a big deal for him at 18yo living semi-independently for the first time, not you as a grown woman.

You can dictate who sits in your car. It’s your car and nothing to do with anyone other than you.

I don’t see why you’re getting yourself worked up. You have to accept ex will be in the same space as you during unloading and set up. If he hints at or asks for a lift back, say “sorry, I’ve got plans, can’t help” and stick to it. Let it be obvious you just don’t want to do it if need be.

This.

You will surely be dropping him and his stuff off, perhaps do a supermarket run, then get going. Don't hang around. Surely he will want to get on unpacking. Don't stay to do that for him. Leave him to make friends.

In my experience as a parent and working in HE, I think the most successful drop offs for the students are the shortest ones.

Find the room, drop DS off with his stuff, wave good bye and go straight home or via somewhere nice for lunch and a quick sob.

If your ex wants to be involved, let him make the arrangements with DS directly and if you leave quickly, he doesn’t even have to bump into you.

The students that struggled to settle in were often the ones whose parents hung around for far too long, who tried to meet the other flat mates and generally struggle to let them go.

YABU to try and ban your ex from going.

YANBU to say you won’t give him a lift, there or back. You don’t have to facilitate his attendance and haven’t been asked to.

Your son’s reaction “it’s not up to you” when you tried to say his Dad couldn’t go is really telling. I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve put him in the middle. Please don’t, particularly at what will be an exciting but nerve wracking time for your son. Put him first and suck your ex’s presence up.

I would just tell DS the basic truth saying great if Dad is there but he’s not coming in my car either way.
DS is 18, about to start adult life part of that is accepting adult decisions no matter how disappointed you might be.

Totally understand your reasons in your first post, all I'd say is please DON'T make son the go-between.
Son can also have a say as to whether or not he wants his father there, and father has a right to be there too, and you have every right not to be his transporter.

I don't have kids that age but I was a kid in a similar position. So for full disclosure I have baggage in this area!

It feels to me like your son is in an impossible situation in the middle of you and your ex. He has two parents and there are lots of occasions where he might want to you there such as graduation, weddings, kids, big birthdays. You say these are different from dropping him off at uni but I don't really see how. From the perspective of the kid I would think about how you and your ex can accommodate eachother in these inevitable situations. In your post you mention about his past behaviour that makes it difficult so apologies if I'm dismissing something painful, I don't mean to.

But I'm also a mother now and I'd probably feel exactly the same as you in this situation. It's very hard.

I do understand your points - but like others, I think this is your son’s call about whether his Dad comes or not. Completely reasonable to say to your son it is up to him and his dad will need to sort his own transport both ways if he wants to go. You could also suggest that maybe his dad could go the next day and see his room etc and buy him lunch ? Might be easier all round.

The good thing about uni drop-offs (we've done 2, one at durham and one in london) is that they are rather quick. A case of taking photos, bringing in boxes and then disappear as quick as possible as they hate us hanging around (thats' our experience anyway). So after you've done that, just give DS a huge hug and jump in your car and leave. The fact you have a younger child at home is a good excuse to leave pronto and tell the ex that you are in a hurry if the issue comes up.

My DD's first drop off was a scrum. Loads of parents, mad parking and a time slot which meant we had to leave by a specific time. What with signing in and getting all the stuff to the room, there wasn't time for a long goodbye.
I think you're going to need to find your happy place because it's hard enough to leave them without having your ex in your head. Plan something really nice for when you get home.

The easiest solution is that you say No to that request. Practice, and steel yourself to do so if necessary. If you really struggle then invent ( in advance to your DC ) somewhere else you are going on the way home that takes you out of the way.

That said, the more you say No politely to folk the easier it gets.

Perfect!

I would just say no. That it’s a big moment for you and an emotional time and you need to be alone on the way back. You don’t need to justify it, or feel guilty, you don’t owe him anything . You are civil for the sake of your son, that is enough under the circumstances.

Suggest that DS invites him to visit for lunch at the weekend instead.

You would be unreasonable to say he can’t come but you are not obliged to give him a lift. Just say you want some time to yourself after if he does ask (think of somewhere you could call to shop or something).

Tbh it didn’t occur to me than my ex wouldn’t be a part of DS’s move to uni in a couple of weeks. We are taking both cars and DS will likely travel with me depending on how much stuff there is. I only have a small car so my idea is that most if the stuff goes in his dads car and me and DS in mine, maybe with some wheelie bags of clothes. Ex can then have the parking space at halls. DS may decide to travel with his dad though just because he sees a lot more of me and the drive is an hour and a half ish.

I am kind of hoping Ex will leave before I do but we will just have to see how it goes on the day. I would like to do most of the stuff and then take DS for food or shopping without DS but it will be up to them. I don’t really want him there either when I am having a good cry after leaving DS!

YANBU.

It's not unreasonable of DS to want to share the experience with his father but that doesn't mean that you have to provide transportation.

You absolutely do not have to offer a lift OP. Don't let it spoil your day. Just be civil if you see him there and " no, sorry, I can't" if he asks for a lift home.

Talk about creating a problem before it's arisen. He probably won't ask to come, it's only the son that has said he might.

Find a local attraction (museum, castle or something) that you would like to visit while you are there.

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc.

He can't put you 'on the spot' if you are already considering this as a possibility! That would mean he caught you by surprise and you didn't have a chance to anticipate the question. You have loads of time.

Have an answer prepared in case he asks.

That sounds a good plan.

Also what @AlwaysFreezing said. He could go the following week, once your son has settled in, but might be feeling a little homesick. That way he has someone else to look forward to seeing, and dad can take him out for lunch or something.