To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

This.

If for whatever reason you're not comfortable saying I'm not giving you a lift back because your behaviour means I don't want to be around you, then make something up. I find it hard to believe there's no local attraction you might be going to meet an old work colleague at while you're in the area. Failing that, you could be going for a tweakment with a particularly good beautician in the town or something.

I get why this is hard for you but the day really isn’t about you. You’re well within your rights to refuse to give your ex a lift but the rest isn’t your call. If your son wants his dad there, then it’s up to him. It doesn’t matter whether you feel there isn’t enough time, or next weekend would be better, or your son should be socialising in halls. All these things could well be true but ultimately if your son wants his dad and dad wants to go that’s not your place to try and manage the situation.

Of course it is… you can’t ban him from the university grounds if your son wants him there.

But YANBU about driving him.

I have never done uni drop offs with my ex and we get on fine, but it would be too much. I would suggest that maybe more beneficial if ex were to travel and visit in a few weeks time…can check in on son etc….

In your situation, although I wouldn't be totally happy at ex being involved, it is your DS's decision. But you do not have to be involved in any of the arrangements regarding his involvement. If his trains are a nightmare, ' ah, that's a shame'. If there is a replacement bus service 'I expect it will take you longer to get home then'. Don't get sucked in to helping him. Just walk away.

You don't have to offer him a lift back. His train is a bus transfer, oh you are sorry to hear that, hope the traffic is not too bad. Or you are planning to go to the cinema to distract yourself, do your big supermarket shop etc before heading home. Do not drive when crying. Pull in a carpark somewhere

You don't ACTUALLY have to, just SAY you're going to. Have you never ever told a fib before?? Or even an outright lie? Well sometimes you need to!

You can perfectly well decline any lift. You can’t stop him going. If he turns up put him to use unloading the car.

Of course you can't say he can't come. Its not your call. Your thoughts and feelings on his dad and whether he was a good hands on parent are irrelevant. It doesn't matter. What matters is what you son wants. If your DS wants him there, and his Dad wants to go then its tough. If his Dad is arriving on the train then that's fine.

Drop your DS off, help him settle in for a while, and then leave. You may not even see his Dad anyway as his Dad may arrive later. If you are there at the same time then I am sure you can both behave like adults for the sake of your son and rub along together. You say you can be civil when required, this may be one of those times that you are.

You certainly don't have to give him any lifts. For all you know, he may not even want one and may be just as horrified as sharing a car with you, as you are with him. If he does ask, why can't you just say NO, sorry you can't?

Also, I cried a lot in the run up and when DD said goodbye to siblings but was absolutely fine after dropping off (too knackered!) even though I was
expecting to be a mess. It helped having seen she had a lovely room and had met nice flatmates.

🙄

Totally not unreasonable to not want to be responsible for helping with his travel arrangements but if your DS wants him there, you'd be UR to object.
on our drop-off last year, we were there for a few hours unloading and helping unpack a bit, then food shopping to stock the fridge and a trip to B&M for last minute things we'd forgotten. We didn't hang about once practicalities were done but it did take ages to even do that.

I'm sure the OP can adult without your help

His Dad is quite entitled to travel up on his own steam, although it would be odd.

You can gently point out to your son that you are driving so his father coming in the car isn't an option, so probably a later visit would be better and give them more time - and then forget about it

Also, please don’t plan to have a ‘sobfest’ on your journey home. If you are in control of a car you need to be concentrating on that.
Sit in the car park for a while if you must.

This isn't about you. It's about your son. Yabu

OP, you do need to have a bit of a word with yourselves.

Teenagers do not realise or understand that their parents may have big emotions about waving them off to university, and frankly you shouldn't make that your son's thing to think about.

Once your son has gone to university he will have less time to spend with either of his parents even before you take into account any vacation jobs or travelling or study trips. Be careful that you dont make this such a black and white issue for you all that you end up alienating yourself from your son.

You’ve said you won’t have him in your car. That should be enough. Any complaints about the trains should be met with a ‘yes, they are a nightmare sometimes’ and leave it. If he presses it I would be blunt and say ‘I can’t face being two hours in traffic with you’.

It is the son’s moment and up to him

I get where you’re coming from @stripycatsbut I think it’s up to your DS who he has there on the day. I certainly wouldn’t be giving ex any lifts though!
Mind you, when my son went to uni, we had a drop off slot and once the room was sorted (bedding etc) it was kind of expected to leave them to it. Oh and the rooms were quite small, so a bit cramped for three people, especially two that aren’t too keen on each other!
I’d explain all this to DS and suggest ex goes up later that day for dinner, or the next day/weekend but I don’t think you can stop him as he is his dad.
For all you know, ex hasn’t any intention of wanting to be with you either (not said in a mean way btw!)

You're absolutely right that the logistics involved with dropping off would make a meet-up difficult. And likely really awkward if he's just hanging about watching the "experience" of taking your child to university. Having done it 4 times, it's really just a matter of getting the keys, unloading as quickly as possible, maybe a bit of time helping them unpack and then getting out of their hair so they can meet their new flatmates!

If your ds really insists on his dad being involved then I'd suggest meeting for a quick lunch on campus. But even that is likely to be difficult logistically.

I would speak with your ds and suggest that he arranges for his dad to make a special trip either during his first weekend (which can be a bit lonely) or after he's settled in a bit. I genuinely think that will work better for both of them.

Compromise ... take him for your son's sake but ask if he would get the train home.

Compromise ... take him for your son's sake but ask if he would get the train home.

Just be honest with your son that it feels like an emotional one to say goodbye, you may be tearful and you want your time alone to process this, so you support him to have his dad there but need your space in the car. Model healthy boundaries, you don’t have to lie.