To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

The drop off is fast, chaotic and not really an ‘occasion’.

We were given a drop off time and key pick-up time and only allowed to park for a set period. Unloaded, huge meleé, Dc had to go to the admin centre for key / door code , we got his stuff into his room , by which time excited girls had already set up a welcome party in the communal kitchen and I was back in the car… got as far as the first service station on the motorway and stopped for a coffee, wee and cry.

Wait until you know if he’s coming. Then privately contact him and say he makes his own way there and back for reasons he knows about. And warn him if he publically puts you on the spot you will tell DS exactly why you don’t want to spend 4 hrs in a car with him.

Suggest the ex hires a man and van to do the drop off if he won't drop it...you could visit the following weekend with any other thing the ds needs.
Or tell him to bus it there as you need the space.
Or best of all, just tell him directly no.

You can’t control what your ex does.
You CAN control how you respond to it.
If he badgers for a lift, just say no. That doesn’t work for you. Simple.

The car will be rammed anyway, and If it isn’t get some more stuff to make sure it is.

You shouldn’t feel under any pressure to give him a lift either way so if he does turn up and ask for a lift back have an excuse ready.

It’s not about you . Try and put how you feel to one side and do what DS wants.

In that case, will your son be in a multi level floor room in halls? Mine was on the top floor in year 1 and it was a killer lugging everything up two flights of stairs!

Yes, it’s going to be a tough day @stripycatsbut I would suggest the following:

Agree with DS what time you are likely to leave your house to set off on the drive.

Tell DS that he is welcome to make arrangements with his Dad and what time, traffic permitting, you are likely to arrive.

Tell DS that you will drop him off, help him get his stuff to his room etc.

Tell DS that you won’t hang around too long as he will probably want to spend some time with his Dad, get unpacking etc. Remind him that this is up to him and his Dad to arrange.

Remind DS that traffic might be tricky and timings will need to be very flexible.

And then leave it there.

Do not discuss his Dad’s travel plans. That just opens up the possibility of being asked to give him a lift. Do not offer nor entertain. If you are asked, just say that a lift can’t be done. No need to explain.

You drop him off, get in your car and drive home by yourself.

Why is it an issue to manage?

If he wasn't there at all then you and your DS will be doing all the fetching and carrying anyway so nothing has changed there in that sense.

Why would he need to rush around? If he can't rush around I am sure he can move to where he needs to be in his own time. You are not responsible for him, just get on and do what you need to do on the day.

I have a similar issue in that my ex, after years of pretty much ignoring the fact he has DC, suddenly wants to be involved in what he deems an important moment. He hasn’t contributed anything to it, or the work required in raising the DC in the first place and everyone involved knows that I will not be giving lifts or facilitating him being there at any point, no matter what. Be honest with your DC and your ex, we don’t have to be nice, make allowances or do them favours any more.

A previous poster said that your DS must not be a go-between negotiating between parents. I agree with this but it’s also time that YOU stop any acting as their go-between. And honestly this is an opportunity to be grabbed.

Your DS is moving into the (semi) adult world. His arrangements with his father no longer need to be any of your concern. You can just tell your DS what works for you like “I thought we’d leave at 9am. And when we’ve unpacked, I’m just going to give you a hug and head off before I get all embarrassing. As you know, I’m not going to be driving your DF so I’ll leave it to the two of you to sort out your own arrangements. It’s not my business”.

This goes for all their arrangements going forward. It’s up to them to facilitate their own relationship as two adult men and the sooner they get started on that, the better. I expect they both have views about what they think is and is not your business and now you get to join in. One of the advantages of him being your ex is that you don’t need to deal with him much anymore. Start this new phase as you mean to go on. Cheerfully, respectfully leave them to it.

It's up to your son, but I think it would be weird for his dad to come up later after you've gone. By that point, your DS will hopefully be chatting to his new housemates etc.

Ditto his dad coming up the first weekend as well. Your son will be in the midst of Freshers week!

You def don't have to give your ex a lift. But it's UR to tell your son you don't want his Dad there. He already feels like he can't ask his dad to come because it would upset you. He must want him there, otherwise he wouldn't have raised it with you.

Having to constantly chose one parent or the other, never both, is hard. I think you just need to grin and bear it. Make it as easy as possible for your son to have both parents supporting him on this significant milestone.

You can't stop your ex from coming. At the end of the day he's still your son's Dad (regardless of your opinion of him) and has as much right to be there as you. Your son isn't going to invite him but equally if your ex asks, your son isn't going to say no. Having said that, it's not your responsibility to give your ex a lift to or from the university. He's your son's Dad, but he's no longer your husband/partner. All you need to say is 'Sorry Bob, but I'm not going straight home, so I can't give you a lift'. You don't owe your ex any further explanation or reason. He's not going to know if you're going straight home or not!!

Absolutely fine you not wanting to drive him. But it sounds like your DS wants him there. I would suck it up. Do not give a lift though, there or back. Hes a grown man and can sort it out himself.

@stripycatsI have an ex who has done almost zero parenting (& what he did was detrimental). He always wants to zoom in on any 'good / memorable bits' though. If your Ds wants him there he can take trains each way. You drop off, settle etc. ExH can turn up later & help with small initial food shop etc.
Your Ds gets to share a special day for him with both his parents but it doesn't have to be together.

It is absolutely not up to your son to decide whether you have to spend several hours in a confined space with your ex. Stand up for yourself, as you say it's a hard enough day anyway. Your ex can go by train, or at another time. You're doing all the donkey work here so it's up to you. Maybe now's the time to tell your son the truth about your ex's behaviour too.

How about you do the drop off, & ex heads up for that weekend to take ds out shopping & for dinner? Wouldn't that be less awkward for everyone?

I'm in a similar position with dd1 re relationship with ex, but I teach overseas. So dd1 is coming out this week to stay for 3 weeks (she grew up here) then she'll return to UK, ex will drive her to Uni, & I'll be visiting for a long weekend once she's settled in.

Pretty sure dd1 doesn't want her parents trying not to glare at each other in the same room when she'll already have a big day to contend with! You might find ds is quietly feeling similarly, but doesn't like to exclude his dad.

I'd have a chat & see if he would prefer something like that.

I know a divorced couple who did travel up together in the car, 3 hours, but with their child as the buffer so to speak. Then the driver drove home by themselves and the other parent got the train.

Moving them in is a long and emotional day. If your Ds wants him there you could put the Dad in the back seat so Ds is next to you on the way up. Honestly an extra pair of hands would be great. Then he can get the train home so can fuck off to his train.

Congrats on your son’s new chapter.

YBU to say ex can’t go to the halls but YNBU to say who goes in your car, etc.

if ex lives local could an alternative plan be having a brunch (or son and ex having a brunch if you don’t sit thru it) before seeing just you drive him off? Ex can make his own visit a few weeks later.

She’s talking about the drive not him being there, yes she can’t stop him being at the University especially if DS wants him there but she doesn’t have any obligation to give him a ride.

It’s up to DS to want to have him at the drop off or not but it’s not up to DS to insist OP must give him a ride. ExDH is an adult and can sort himself out.

I think your DS, and you to a certain extent, have a fairytale view of what the day will be like when he starts at Uni.
In reality, your DC will likely get a non negotiable time slot when you can access the accommodation to unload your car. It will be at best a 30 minute slot. Pull up, unload, carry everything up to his room, drive off. With nothing my DDs, after we dropped everything off, I took them to the nearest supermarket for a food shop then dropped them back at their accommodation but wasn’t able to get on the car park, so they had a fair walk.
How his DF using public transport fits into this I have no idea. How far from the station is the accommodation? How will the train times fit in with the drop off times? oh, and your Ds saying it’s not your decision, in part he is correct, but it’s your car and you definitely get to say who comes innit and who doesn’t!

Of course it isn’t your call.

I also don’t think that would be an issue like you describe. People arrive all day, it’s not unusual for parents to unpack the car, and then take the child to the nearest supermarket for a big shop, or out for lunch etc. So it’s not like after you leave everyone will be there socialising and your son will be the only one missing, people will be in and out all afternoon, then socialising in the evening.

It's not literally a "drop off" though, is it?

Every year both me and DH spent hours altogether - taking boxes and bags into the accommodation, helping unpack, going for lunch and shopping for food and miscellaneous supplies.

You might be glad of an extra pair of hands, unless your ds really is just getting dropped off with a suitcase.