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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 31/08/2025 15:13

Agree with those saying you can’t stop him making his own way there and back (though it sounds fairly pointless for him to do so) but you can absolutely refuse a lift and ignore any hints.

it is hard, but does get easier.

Emmz1510 · 31/08/2025 15:08

You don’t have to think up excuses not to give him a lift, no is a full sentence.
You can’t stop him going though.

Pherian · 31/08/2025 15:07

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Sounds like what you need is a way to manage that social interaction. Be polite, be firm and distance yourself from any conversations around your ex’s transport.

You cannot say he can’t come. You can only draw boundaries in your involvement with him.

RobinEllacotStrike · 31/08/2025 12:23

practice answering questions now op. You need to say no.

“Can you give dad/me a lift?”

no.
no that doesn’t work for me.

no that’s not possible.

you don’t need explanations.
you are allowed to say no.

make an excellent playlist for the drive home.

AgentJohnson · 31/08/2025 12:16

DD didn’t invite her father to her high school graduation because she felt it would be awkward (history of DV). Instead she invited her paternal grandparents (who have been a consistent presence in her life). However, I did tell her on numerous occasions she could invite her father if she wanted.

I have worked really hard to let the shit between her father and me not impact how she chooses to manage her relationship with him. I have boundaries for safety reasons and she understands and respects them. Wanting to have a relationship with her father isn’t being disloyal to me.

I get I really do but you are making it all about you. All you have to do is make it clear that you won’t be giving your Ex a lift under any circumstances. Job done! The more you keep coming up with conditions, the more you alienate your son on a momentous day for him too.

WWomble · 30/08/2025 23:11

YANBU to want to drive your son without your Ex, but I don’t think you can decide if he’s there or not. Fair enough to warn DS that you won’t drive his Dad.

Perhaps his Dad could visit later in the day or in one of the early weekends - a backup trip to provide forgotten necessities or provide some treats once reality is setting in?

Comeinupto40 · 30/08/2025 22:38

Does your ex have any idea of what uni drop off is like? Are there often train issues? Is he likely to want to spend 2h with you in the car anyway, given things are so awkward between you?
Tbh I can’t imagine somebody who walks with a stick would relish catching unreliable public transport and watching on as others cart belongings up and down potentially several flights of stairs.
Sounds to me like the sort of thing that, once he thinks it through, he will decide against.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 22:25

I think there won’t be space in the car and you’re not giving him a lift is enough. If he’s actually physically there on campus it could be helpful with unloading car etc thoigh!

MiseryIn · 30/08/2025 22:24

I’m dreading this too. If he wants to come I’m going to tell him he has to drive separately. He’s super tight so I doubt he’ll do it.

I also agree that the DC get to decide who comes, but I get to decide who sits in my car with me!

Christwosheds · 30/08/2025 22:20

Livpool · 30/08/2025 13:48

It is the son’s moment and up to him

Show quote history

I meant the lift, I should have clarified.
Lifts you absolutely can refuse to do.
I also disagree with pps saying this is all about your son, when you have been the one caring for him and supporting him and will still be doing this while he is at university. Young adults need to think about their family not just themselves, it’s a big moment for him, yes, but it’s also a big moment for you. It’s much harder on parents than on the person going away. I have never forgotten my darling Dad crying on a station platform. I don’t feel we do kids any favours by being martyrs and pretending our feelings don’t matter. Everyone in a family matters.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 30/08/2025 22:07

It is your sons choice really. OH and I both went when DD went to uni last year but DH had to go by train because we didn’t have a massive car to fit her stuff and 3 people in.
It sounds like you’re catastrophising about being manipulated into giving ex a lift home but all you have to do is set that boundary. That may not come to pass, but even if he's normally like that, you just need to make clear to all that a lift is off the cards. It’s your car.

Not every rail journey is a nightmare. do you know there will definitely be engineering works? You can check on the National Rail website up to 3 months in advance.

www.nationalrail.co.uk/status-and-disruptions/

Owlteapot · 30/08/2025 21:53

I have told ds that I won't be taking ex dh who doesn't drive. If he asks tough. It's his issue to sort not mine

YourFairCyanReader · 30/08/2025 21:31

I am a divorced parent of adult children, and the way we did it was I drove them to uni and got them settled in, did a food shop then left them to it (cue bawling on way home). Ex DH went the following weekend (optional with sibling) by which time DC wanted to show off everything, he got to meet their new friends, possibly sort out problems like having to buy odd forgotten things. It worked really well and I think I'd do that as a married couple actually. On drop off day itself there's not loads to do.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 21:18

Unfortunately I'm well-practised on crying whilst driving, but obviously I'll be making sure I'm fit to drive.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2025 21:09

I do agree that crying a lot whilst driving is a bad idea though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2025 21:08

You don’t have to make up excuses or stay away overnight or any of these convoluted things people are suggesting.

Just say “of course he can be there and wave you off but I’m not happy to travel together” and that’s that.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 20:59

How are you at adulting, @NewGirlInTown ? As it seems you are unable to comprehend why someone's ex husband being in their car alone with them for 2 hours on a highly emotionally charged day might be a bit of an issue, rather than 'totally easy'? Especially when having to respect the ds's feelings on the matter as well. I mean it's not totally easy, is it?

OP posts:
NewGirlInTown · 30/08/2025 20:44

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 30/08/2025 13:54

I'm sure the OP can adult without your help

Show quote history

Are you though? Seeing as she can’t address this totally easy ‘adult’ issue of not having someone sit in her car? 🙄

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/08/2025 19:05

I'm struggling to see the issue to be honest.

You've set out your boundary that you won't have ex in the car, and your son has accepted that. If ex tries to wrangle a lift home, then just say no, and walk away happy in the knowledge that you've asserted your boundaries.

If ex then struggles to get home, that's on him and your son to sort out. It's a consequence of the decision that they, two adults, made to have him there.

MistyMountainTop · 30/08/2025 18:03

I'd say I'm going to IKEA on the way back, nobody would want to go with you if they're anything like my friends & family!

Vaxtable · 30/08/2025 16:54

If he wants to come you can’t stop him but he needs to make his own way there and back

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 30/08/2025 16:53

My mum and dad aren't civil and have been separated 4 years.
I think your son is being UR. Yes it's his day and yes it's his dad, but I personally would not put my mum in a situation where she would have to drive my dad anywhere. In his shoes I'd plan something in with dad the day before

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/08/2025 16:50

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:16

Can't do hotel as I'm a teacher so no such thing as taking a leave day and I also have another dc at home (16) so wouldn't stay overnight. Also, friends etc are all local to where we live so would be hard to invent staying elsewhere - I think he'd know I was lying.

It's 2 hours each way - so 4 in total.

You don't need to invent a reason though. Do you mean to your son? Or to the ExH?
To either, you can simply say no, you can't offer a lift, for personal reasons that you don't want to go into on this special day. Repeat as necessary.

Gingernessy · 30/08/2025 16:48

Lafufufu · 30/08/2025 12:26

He can come...but you'll meet him there

If he is so desperate to participate he can find his own transport. Cheeky fucker.

OP didn't say he'd asked to be ferried about - she's stated he uses public transport regularly - just that she's worried incase she feels obliged to take him home should anything happen to his return transport.
Hardly being a cheeky fucker!

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2025 16:46

You have made it clear to dc you won't be giving a lift and dc is happy with that.

If dc wanta to arrange with dad thats up to him. Equally you can say no if ex tries to scrounge a lift, you dont have to give a reason just say Im not comfortable with driving him