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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
Saladbrains · 24/09/2025 12:31

thepariscrimefiles · 24/09/2025 08:05

For some reason, you are determined to think the absolute worst of OP whose ex-DH cheated, gambled, was violent towards her, ostracised her from her family and emotionally abused her. Women often never recover from such abusive relationships and OP is second-guessing herself about the right thing to do for her son while keeping her distance from her abusive ex.

In a previous post, you told OP that you were sorry for the children that she teaches which was completely unfair and uncalled for. OP is voicing her worries and concerns on here so that they don't impact her son.

Her ex-DH is obviously an abusive cunt, but you have no harsh words for him, only for the OP who is trying to do her best for her son, unlike his dad.

Show quote history

There are two sides to every story.

The post was originally about the OP not wanting to give a lift to her ex.

The ex who did not mention or ask for a lift.

In amongst the posts about the non-existent lift-request, the OP managed to libel the ex on several occasions, whilst claiming that she never bad-mouths the ex.

Do you really believe that such a poster was utterly without any accountability or contribution to the breakdown of the marital relationship?

The ex was not involved in this post in any way: the OP conjured the whole thread out of her own anxieties.

Can you really not see that a person who imagines such difficulties, when they do not exist outside of her head, is hardly a balanced and truthful source able to recount an incident fairly and equally?

Saladbrains · 24/09/2025 12:22

BunnyLake · 24/09/2025 10:42

Your post doesn’t make sense. What hypocrisy? And why are you tweaking so much over it?

Show quote history

The hypocrisy is that the (not OP) poster claimed this forum is a place to express opinions.

But that same poster doesn’t want to allow me the space to express my opinions.

Does the hypocrisy make sense now?

BunnyLake · 24/09/2025 10:42

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:53

What a hypocrite you are.
”using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan” is exactly what I did.

Is this what you’re like when someone disagrees with you. Your poor husband.

Show quote history

Your post doesn’t make sense. What hypocrisy? And why are you tweaking so much over it?

sugarapplelane · 24/09/2025 10:34

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 22:06

What a cute little world you live in, thinking that other people are interested in getting “your” point.

You actually are that blind

Show quote history

Oh no - not you again. I thought you had disappeared with your spiteful nonsense.
You just can’t see how your posts come across can you or you obviously don’t care.
I would bet that you are a poster on tattle life too giving your bitchy 2 pence worth in other peoples lives.

40YearOldDad · 24/09/2025 08:57

An update by the OP, thanks.

You can still be sad that he won't be there for your son. That's only normal. As for him not paying any maintenance and holidays etc it shows his true colours to his son. It sounds like your son still wants some relationship with him, as he's changing plans to see him etc., assuming he's about 18 as he's going off to uni, perhaps it's time to tell him he's under no obligation to see him if he doesn't want to.

Epidote · 24/09/2025 08:17

And there you have one of the reason you divorce him. His lack of effort and how everything should revolve around him.
Good, at least he won't be in the middle.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/09/2025 08:05

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:13

Your whole post and thread is an example of utterly overthinking yourself/and your sons into the ground.

Your original post read: “We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved.”

“perhaps”

And out of all that you spun everyone here along on a merry tale of anxiety and complexity.

Your poor lads having to put up with such a crazy-maker drama queen.

Your non-event post could have read “His dad said he might perhaps want to come along, let’s see what happens. - Update: Dad isn’t coming along.”

What a web you spin, it must exhausting being you, and around you.

Show quote history

For some reason, you are determined to think the absolute worst of OP whose ex-DH cheated, gambled, was violent towards her, ostracised her from her family and emotionally abused her. Women often never recover from such abusive relationships and OP is second-guessing herself about the right thing to do for her son while keeping her distance from her abusive ex.

In a previous post, you told OP that you were sorry for the children that she teaches which was completely unfair and uncalled for. OP is voicing her worries and concerns on here so that they don't impact her son.

Her ex-DH is obviously an abusive cunt, but you have no harsh words for him, only for the OP who is trying to do her best for her son, unlike his dad.

cloudtreecarpet · 24/09/2025 06:57

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 22:06

What a cute little world you live in, thinking that other people are interested in getting “your” point.

You actually are that blind

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Lovehascomeandgone · 24/09/2025 04:39

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:13

Your whole post and thread is an example of utterly overthinking yourself/and your sons into the ground.

Your original post read: “We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved.”

“perhaps”

And out of all that you spun everyone here along on a merry tale of anxiety and complexity.

Your poor lads having to put up with such a crazy-maker drama queen.

Your non-event post could have read “His dad said he might perhaps want to come along, let’s see what happens. - Update: Dad isn’t coming along.”

What a web you spin, it must exhausting being you, and around you.

Show quote history

Oh behave……wtf. Talk about overthinking and crazy? Looked in a mirror lately????

Elektra1 · 23/09/2025 22:25

As someone who has recently gone through a horrendous divorce (ex left me for one of our friends, who was also married to someone who was our friend), I’d say suck it up and think of what your DS wants at this momentous life event in HIS life. I share a child with my ex and just over 2 years after the split manage to attend school events together, which OW also sometimes attends, and in due course have no doubt the 3 of us will be dropping off at university.

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 22:06

cloudtreecarpet · 23/09/2025 21:02

What a strange response. You clearly didn't get my point at all.
🙄

Show quote history

What a cute little world you live in, thinking that other people are interested in getting “your” point.

You actually are that blind

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/09/2025 21:22

"your poor husband"

Think you jumped the shark there tbh, such an obvious troll post.

cloudtreecarpet · 23/09/2025 21:02

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:53

What a hypocrite you are.
”using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan” is exactly what I did.

Is this what you’re like when someone disagrees with you. Your poor husband.

Show quote history

What a strange response. You clearly didn't get my point at all.
🙄

Original poster
stripycats · 23/09/2025 21:01

Why would I need to deny anything to you? You were adamant I was being unfair to ex and now it's clear that he is a bit of a lame dad you have changed your line of attack. I don't know what's wrong with you really.

OP posts:
Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:59

ConfusedNoMore · 23/09/2025 20:17

@Saladbrains what a fucking horrible post

But no chorous of denial.

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:53

cloudtreecarpet · 23/09/2025 20:22

No need for this nonsense.

I hate posts like this where people slag someone off for using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan in a way that you can't do in real life.

Of course the OP isn't being dramatic in real life or dragging her son into any of this, she just had an anonymous moan on an anonymous forum! If you don't understand the way forums like this work then don't use them.

Edited
Show quote history

What a hypocrite you are.
”using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan” is exactly what I did.

Is this what you’re like when someone disagrees with you. Your poor husband.

Original poster
stripycats · 23/09/2025 20:44

Thanks all (well, mainly all...) This has obviously been a safe space for me to vent and I was just waiting to see what would happen with the intention of denying a lift but just going along with anything else and making the best of it. Ds isn't really bothered as far as I can see - just a bit irritated that he has to move stuff around potentially.

He hasn't paid CMS due to low income but he did inherit enough to buy a house outright and gets money from his dm. Dc will get loans and support from me. I'll also have to pay ex his £10k from the divorce (share of assets when we split that I couldn't pay then) when youngest is 21, but that isn't the point of this thread.

OP posts:
Marmalady75 · 23/09/2025 20:42

@stripycats I’m so pleased you won’t feel extra pressure on an emotional day. I know it’s probably not easy for your DS seeing his dad’s true colours shine through, but remember that he has you. Despite what some people have taken from this thread, I think you are doing a grand job supporting your DS through this big life transition.

Cherrysoup · 23/09/2025 20:36

MeridianB · 23/09/2025 19:34

Why did he pay no maintenance?

I’d like to know this too and why’s he contributing nothing to ds going to uni? Given there’s no grants anymore? Is he just going to let you pay fees or ds gets the loan that needs paying back forever?

TwoTuesday · 23/09/2025 20:23

Take that as a win OP, the pressure is off.. (and some of these posters are massively projecting)

cloudtreecarpet · 23/09/2025 20:22

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:13

Your whole post and thread is an example of utterly overthinking yourself/and your sons into the ground.

Your original post read: “We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved.”

“perhaps”

And out of all that you spun everyone here along on a merry tale of anxiety and complexity.

Your poor lads having to put up with such a crazy-maker drama queen.

Your non-event post could have read “His dad said he might perhaps want to come along, let’s see what happens. - Update: Dad isn’t coming along.”

What a web you spin, it must exhausting being you, and around you.

Show quote history

No need for this nonsense.

I hate posts like this where people slag someone off for using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan in a way that you can't do in real life.

Of course the OP isn't being dramatic in real life or dragging her son into any of this, she just had an anonymous moan on an anonymous forum! If you don't understand the way forums like this work then don't use them.

ConfusedNoMore · 23/09/2025 20:17

@Saladbrains what a fucking horrible post

Saladbrains · 23/09/2025 20:13

stripycats · 23/09/2025 19:28

Well, I have an update and outcome.

Ex has told me (but not the dc - I had to) that he is going away on Monday and will be away for two week, which will include the weekend that ds goes. So much for him wanting to be there and all the rest of it. It also means he is away for some of 'his' planned time with ds before he goes, meaning ds feels he has to rearrange some plans with his friends to be able to see his dad before he goes. I feel like saying don't bother, but I won't. So at least there is no dilemma or threat of awkward car journeys etc, but I do feel a bit sad for ds that ex has done this. No way would I go away and miss out on any of the time I have with him before he goes. It also means ex will be having 3 x 2 week holidays this year, all while paying no CMS or making any contribution to ds for uni.

Your whole post and thread is an example of utterly overthinking yourself/and your sons into the ground.

Your original post read: “We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved.”

“perhaps”

And out of all that you spun everyone here along on a merry tale of anxiety and complexity.

Your poor lads having to put up with such a crazy-maker drama queen.

Your non-event post could have read “His dad said he might perhaps want to come along, let’s see what happens. - Update: Dad isn’t coming along.”

What a web you spin, it must exhausting being you, and around you.

HolidayGrinch · 23/09/2025 20:06

My parents are like you and it's ruined my wedding, graduation, children's birthdays, not because of bust ups but because of bad atmosphere and I knew they don't want to be in the same place. For your DS sake I'd find a way to rub along when needed.

And no that doesn't mean you have to give him a lift, just book in to a spa so you're not heading in the right direction.

Lovehascomeandgone · 23/09/2025 20:02

It’s good you won’t have to put up with him on uni drop off and I totally get that you feel sad. It’s sad that they don’t appreciate their children like we do. But screw him, his loss!

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