To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

Can’t he go and meet him on another day and they can have lunch or something? Surely that would be better for everyone.

Whilst I see that you don’t want to give your children too much info about your relationship with their father, the fact that your adult son thinks that you should spend 4 hours in a car with his dad, suggests that you might have held back a bit too much. Most people this age want to keep their divorced parents entirely separate.

Would your son expect you to give his father a lift?
is he somehow expecting that the three of you will travel together in your car and that you’ll give him a lift back? Try to find out what the expectations are before getting worried about it

There genuinely wasn't when our children went to Uni.So I did get the train to meet up at the halls .

It's his son going to university too, it isn't up to you if he's there or not, much like any other life events of your son's it's up to your son not you who he invites along. You don't have to give him a lift obviously, but you don't have any say on whether he is there or not.

Don't suggest he meets his dad later, this won't work and will infer with the time he should be introducing himself to his new friends and getting to know people. Stop dictating how YOU think the day should go.

That's all well and good but when you have clothes, toiletries, shoes, duvets, pillows, bedding, pots, pans, cutlery, laundry baskets, etc etc, its not practical to just drop your DC at the train station and let them be on their way. No way my DD could have got all the stuff she needed for her room in halls, and all her clothes and belongings on public transport.

You have agreed to drive your DS and his stuff. You will arrive at his uni accommodation and unload the car as fast as possible. You may then have to move the car to longer term parking. If DS2 comes as well then the extra pair of (young, fit) hands could be useful. You don't need to stay to 'set up his room' or help him unpack - he's an adult. We have sometimes stayed for lunch or taken for shopping - household/food.

If DS wants his dad there that is up to him. You do not need to make any suggestions about timings or travel. Remind yourself it's nothing to do with you. If asked to give him a lift simply say "No, I can't do that". Again, your DS is an adult and can make his own arrangements with his father, another adult.

Thats childish and pathetic.

Having gone to university myself it is impossible to do this via public transport. If this was me, I'd never ever forgive you.

Personally, I'd pack the car so full on the journey up there would be no room for him.

Journey back it will be a simple 'ta ra' before jumping into my car and driving off. He's a grown man he'll have to work out it.

It’s up to your son if he wants his dad there but not your responsibility to facilitate or make the arrangements to get him there and back. Plan to do something after drop off, real or not, so you have a reason not to bring him back if asked.

It will be an emotional day for you, your son probably won’t want you to linger. I hope it all goes well for you and he has a wonderful time at university xx

Can't you just be straight with them both. Just say up front that it is not possible for you to give him a lift back if he come, and that he definitely needs to make his own arrangements including contingency plans if the trains are buggered. I know he's disabled but surely you aren't there all the time to give him lifts so how does he normally cope. Dropping kids off os emotional.and you probably will need to be alone afterwards

I really don't get this modern fanfare of dropping off DCs at uni.

I drove my DD to Kings Cross and she made it to Edinburgh by herself - one suitcase and a backpack.

You had sex with this man and produced a child. For the sake of that child grow up and suck it up. Jesus, no wonder so many kids end up with mental issues.

I have been in a similar position and it is HARD. But for all the emotional toll on you (and fuck, it is horrible), your DS is leaving his entire life and starting a new one- I'd do absolutely everything I could to make it the most drama-free, supportive experience for him, even if it made things difficult for me. It's a lot for him to be juggling the expectations of both his parents.

When dd1 went to university we all went to drop her off (3 siblings including a toddler) and when ds went I went with my now exdh and the youngest now 13. I can't drive for medical reason and ds (ND) really wanted me there so I just sucked it up. I don't think exdh minded as it meant less 'work' for him!
He graduated this year and the night before exdh got annoyed because ds did something to my laptop (which he uses) that had no affect on it and decided we should both go via the train. The graduation was at 0930, about 3 hours away! Anyway he did take us, was incredibly rude to the man sitting next to me but we survived. Dd3 goes to university next year and I've already decided I'm not going with exdh!

We dropped ds1 at uni last year. I'm still with dh, ds2 who was the same age as your ds2 also came. We stayed over the night before, got him into his accommodation early, then went and bought food, got him some bits and pieces he needed and then took him back. Some of his flatmates were there by then so we helped him unpack then gave him the choice to have lunch with us or we left and he chose for us to go.

I think it we'd moved him in later it might have been more of a drop and go though as his flatmates would then have been about when we arrived.

I also went on my own to take a few forgotten things the following weekend and took ds1 out for lunch, it was a really lovely time to see him happy and excited and he was pleased to see me too.

In your situation you absolutely can't say whether his dad can come or not but it's totally reasonable to refuse to give him a lift and also to say that ds2 is coming and that doesn't have to impact on whether his dad comes out not. That's a separate consideration between ds1 and his dad and you'll respect whatever he chooses. But also to mention the alternative where he goes the following weekend.

Let DS2 come, takes the pressure of and he’s strong enough to be helpful!

Tell DS1 dad is welcome and he can take DS1 out for lunch and you will do the same in a feed weeks time.

Planned escape route!

Honestly we arrived dropped stuff off and left them to it, bar a trip to Asda for extra supplies!

They don’t need you really.

I was thinking this. We stayed at least 4 hours. It’s hectic, and generally you end up having to pop out for food or forgotten essentials. In my experience most kids don’t want you dropping and running first year, although by second they’re not quite so fussed 😆

This is the best advice!

This is about your son, not you. YABVU. I would've been fuming if my mum would've tried to stop my dad from being there on my uni drop off. She sucked it up and shared a car with him for 6 hours for me. You should do the same for your son.

Of course it's your DS's decision as to whether his DF is there, but that doesn't mean you have to facilitate it. On the way there, you can pack your car with you, your DS, his belongings and your DC 16 if they want to go along. On the way back, make an excuse of some sort - it doesn't have to be convincing. Unless he's extraordinarily obtuse, your ExH won't be surprised that you don't want his company.

I use the trains fairly frequently and like your ExH, I have poor mobility and use an aid to walk with. I book passenger assistance and find them invaluable in getting on and off trains safely. I suggest your ExH books assistance along with his ticket or phones them. Above all, if the question arises, be absolutely clear that it's not your issue and he won't be travelling with you, for whatever reason or none.

You are being unreasonably to say he can’t come but not UR saying he can’t have a lift. You can’t stop him going but shouldn’t have to be responsible getting him there and back.

I can give you both perspectives!
When my mum and brother dropped me off we did a big shop, got some beers, then headed to the halls. We had 15 minutes to get everything unloaded and my flatmates were all in so it was literally dump and leave 😂 felt a bit bad and my mum still jokes about it now but she was fine!
I then took my brother myself (i think there was a non cancelable situation for mum), we had a little more time and had talked about possibly going into Brighton to see the tourist stuff. We got his stuff in, his flatmates were all in the kitchen and I could see his face 😂 I said “do you want me to go so you can get to know your new friends?” He gave me a very awkward “is that ok?” And I said absolutely, gave him a hug and left. He’s not going to want you to hang around and you might not be able to. It feels like it should be this big thing for the whole family but it’s really not, you’ve both done your bit and now it’s their turn and you get that feeling the most at drop off.

Honestly whoever has told you that you drop and run is lying!
They are as hectic or as quick as you/your DS wants it to be.
We stayed for around 8 hours with my DD and helped her get her dorm sorted!