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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
Cucy · 31/08/2025 16:23

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2025 16:20

What car do you have that can even fit in 3 people and all the stuff for the first year at university?

What stuff do you need?
Clothes, bedding, laptop etc - surely that would fit in most cars.

ACynicalDad · 31/08/2025 16:22

You can't stop him going, but can refuse to lift him.

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:22

MuttsNutts · 30/08/2025 12:14

You need to put DS first and if he has no objection to his dad being there, you smile and accept he will be there if he chooses to be.

As for offering him a lift home, if there is bad blood between you, there is no reason at all to do that and it would be your own lookout if you aren’t able to say no.

ETA: And in answer to your question whether you would be unreasonable to say he can’t attend - you would be totally unreasonable as it’s not up to you who attends your DS’s graduation, that’s DS’s decision. Don’t make this about you and make it awkward for him. Focus on being happy for him and feeling proud.

Edited

But it isn’t graduation day is it; it’s just dropping the son off for his first term.
He’s not a nine year old being sent to boarding school.
He’s an adult now, and shouldn’t be requiring an entourage.

I must be in a very sour humour today. I don’t see at all that it’s the son’s prerogative to dictate who comes along in his mother’s car! Bloody nerve.
He’s being appallingly heedless of his mother’s heavy feelings, and must know that this new chapter will initially be hard on her. She‘s banking on having him alone with her on the way up, feeling as she does, and he’s a worm to try to override that.
If his father makes his way up and back by train, then nobody’s the worse off. Failing that though, he simply doesn’t come.

Why are both parents, even happily married ones, needed on site together anyway?
(I think private fond farewells are all well and good, but there’s no necessity for a big emotional family send-off scene at the lad’s new digs. People probably hire videographers for it all now, I expect)

Demanding that his divorced and mutually hostile parents bury the hatchet for the occasion and endure a ghastly trip there and back is beyond selfish. It’s actually deserving of a stern lecture, lest he continue such behaviour among his new acquaintances.

Huh. I need a chill pill, that’s for sure!

Cucy · 31/08/2025 16:21

I wouldn’t have him in the car.
If he wants to be there then he can but that doesn’t mean you need to ferry him about when you’re not comfortable in doing so.

But you can’t stop him from going.

If you are literally planning on dropping DS off and leaving, then tell DS to have him meet him there so he can spend longer with him.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2025 16:20

What car do you have that can even fit in 3 people and all the stuff for the first year at university?

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 16:20

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2025 16:17

It's really not up to your DS of you're driving. Ex can get a train or a taxi if he wants to be there.

My experience of uni drop off includes unpacking, food shopping and sometimes a meal out. I wouldn't do any of that with my ex.

It really is up to her son who sees/is allowed in his new home - not his mother!

GreenCandleWax · 31/08/2025 16:19

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:16

Can't do hotel as I'm a teacher so no such thing as taking a leave day and I also have another dc at home (16) so wouldn't stay overnight. Also, friends etc are all local to where we live so would be hard to invent staying elsewhere - I think he'd know I was lying.

It's 2 hours each way - so 4 in total.

I don't understand your dilemma. Your xH goes to the drop off if he wants to, and goes home. He is an adult and can arrange his own transport. If something does go wrong its up to him to make alternative arrangements. You don't have to nanny him. So as to diffuse any tension that might affect your son's enjoyment of arriving at university with his parents, you going on somewhere in the opposite direction is a good idea. Then there will be no expectations, no anxiety, and you can all enjoy the occasion. 😄

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 16:18

stripycats · 31/08/2025 15:33

I hear what everyone is saying about not having the right to stop him coming but I am leaning towards suggesting he comes later in the day or even the following weekend. I just keep having this vision of him being uncomfortable, hanging around, not being able to meet up easily etc and it being worse if he has a nightmare train journey to deal with on top of that.

DS16 (don't think I've mentioned his age on this thread) does want to come and that is another complication. DS1 thinks him coming makes it more necessary for ex to come as otherwise he is the only one not coming. But ds2 really wants to come. I think ds1 would prefer ds2 to stay with ex but he's only just raised all this while ds2 has been saying for months that he wants to come.

Honestly it sounds more and more like you don't like your DS as much as you don't like your EX! It's not your adventure it's your son's he gets to decide who comes not you. And you'll be lucky if he doesn't say that he'll get the train with your EX - it can be done i know plenty of Uni students have taken themselves to uni via train!

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2025 16:17

It's really not up to your DS of you're driving. Ex can get a train or a taxi if he wants to be there.

My experience of uni drop off includes unpacking, food shopping and sometimes a meal out. I wouldn't do any of that with my ex.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:16

But I take the point that I just need to say no/give an excuse and not care if ex thinks it's a lie etc. The only issue is, any lie would have to involve ds2 if he does come and that's not fair. If I have to say a blunt 'no' in front of the boys, that's awkward for them too... Ex is pretty thick-skinned and I think would happily accept a lift if offered or ask for one if the alternative was too inconvenient for him.

OP posts:
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 31/08/2025 16:16

CraftyGin · 31/08/2025 16:11

They don't have household goods at their destination? Could they not wait for a couple of days for a laundry basket or do a floordrobe?

Show quote history

Nope. She had to take it all with her, pots, pans, plates, bowls, cutlery, cooking utensils a duvet, bedding, pillows EVERYTHING. I don't think this is unusual.

Most kids these days turn up with everything they need with them. In theory she COULD have got some of that stuff when she arrived but then she wouldn't have even the basics with her initially to even make herself a basic meal or to be able to go to bed. Why have the faff of trying to sort bedding and pots and pans etc when you arrive when its the last thing they would want to be doing.

Getting there and getting settled and socialising with flatmates would be firmly on the agenda not shopping for bedding.

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 31/08/2025 16:16

My parents separated when I was 17 (and haven’t spoken since, I’m nearly 50) so every significant adult occasion in my life (and my brothers, he moved to the other side of the world) has been affected by this.
Kindly, if your DS wants him there, and he can get there, don’t make it hard. Please.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:13

Ds2 being there for the crying is totally different from ex being there though.

A few people have said ds and ex are both adults and can sort it out themselves, but ds is obviously very young and not fully aware of the implications of decisions - I do think he needs guidance. I also think, as someone has suggested, he may be romanticising the day and not thinking about the practical side of his disabled dad hanging around awkwardly while we are dealing with stuff. His dad is an adult but not the most sensible/thoughtful one...

In terms of his past actions, it's the kind of thing we chose not to to share with the dc at the time and then after that it has never seemed the right time. I think it would look like spite if I revealed it now. However, as I said, ds is fine with me not offering a lift and he knows we don't really get on so it's no shock. My worry is something coming up on the day that will make me look a total arsehole if I don't offer a lift back.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 31/08/2025 16:12

Practise saying ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for me’ in csss he should ask of even hint for a lift back. It is a phrase that will stand you in good stead in all sorts of situations.

BunnyLake · 31/08/2025 16:11

stripycats · 31/08/2025 15:33

I hear what everyone is saying about not having the right to stop him coming but I am leaning towards suggesting he comes later in the day or even the following weekend. I just keep having this vision of him being uncomfortable, hanging around, not being able to meet up easily etc and it being worse if he has a nightmare train journey to deal with on top of that.

DS16 (don't think I've mentioned his age on this thread) does want to come and that is another complication. DS1 thinks him coming makes it more necessary for ex to come as otherwise he is the only one not coming. But ds2 really wants to come. I think ds1 would prefer ds2 to stay with ex but he's only just raised all this while ds2 has been saying for months that he wants to come.

When my son went to uni I went on moving in day and the following day his dad (my ex) went and met him on campus and took him out for lunch etc. It worked well. Once my ds was settled in his room I left as there's not much else to do, it’s time for them to meet the other new students without mum hanging around. DS2 can go with you and ds1 gets dad to himself on the second day, show him around, have lunch etc.

CraftyGin · 31/08/2025 16:11

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 31/08/2025 15:58

That's all well and good but when you have clothes, toiletries, shoes, duvets, pillows, bedding, pots, pans, cutlery, laundry baskets, etc etc, its not practical to just drop your DC at the train station and let them be on their way. No way my DD could have got all the stuff she needed for her room in halls, and all her clothes and belongings on public transport.

Show quote history

They don't have household goods at their destination? Could they not wait for a couple of days for a laundry basket or do a floordrobe?

rainbowunicorn · 31/08/2025 16:11

purplecorkheart · 30/08/2025 14:00

You don't have to offer him a lift back. His train is a bus transfer, oh you are sorry to hear that, hope the traffic is not too bad. Or you are planning to go to the cinema to distract yourself, do your big supermarket shop etc before heading home. Do not drive when crying. Pull in a carpark somewhere

For goodness sake im sure op didn't literally mean she was going drive along sobbing.

ConfusedNoMore · 31/08/2025 16:10

ttcat37 · 31/08/2025 16:01

Your ex’s behaviour that is unforgivable- why haven’t you told your son? He’s an adult and should be able to make his own decision whether he wants to have a relationship with his father after having all the facts. I would be really bothered if my mother held back information about my father that would have ended my relationship with him.

This is a complicated one. You know, if you've been through abuse and family court, the court would take a very dim view of you being that honest with a child where information would damage their parental relationship. It also could damage their own self view. If I told my son that his Dad abused me in the ways he did, along with the specifics, when he actually has an ok relationship with him, and he's trying to work out who he is as a man, this would damage my son. His Dad is part of who he is.

Yes, you could wait until they're an adult but when. At 18 when off to uni? Then what a bombshell to drop.

It's an awful position to be in.

My ex's behaviour was unforgivable and it is a constant struggle to raise my son with a positive relationship with us both while protecting him from his Dad's terrible view of women and bad influence.

My son knows his Dad didn't treat me well but I couldn't tell him the specifics. Sometimes I feel like I want to buy that would be selfish. It's really hard.

Bonbon21 · 31/08/2025 16:09

You obviously do what BOTH your kids want.. eldest wants his stuff transported and installed and youngest wants to see him off and can help with the fetching and carrying. Father can make his own arrangements as there wont be room in the car going and you and youngest have plans on the way back.
You are helping your kids, not accomodating their part-time father.
If eldest has a problem with that, uni is going to be a tough life-lesson for him.

JohnBullshit · 31/08/2025 16:08

I've seen two DC through university drop-offs, one at Oxford, meaning drop-offs took place every term, every year. Depending on parking, the process of unloading isn't necessarily all that speedy. But every single time we have departed without ceremony once their possessions are in their room. It's emotional to us, as parents, especially the first time, but functional to most students. Depending on the size of the car, sometimes there's not even room for a third person, never mind a fourth.

No, you can't stop your ex turning up on the day. Of course not. But equally there can be no expectation that you will bring him along. Don't entertain the notion that anything different is acceptable. Your DS can make any arrangements with his father by himself.

rainbowunicorn · 31/08/2025 16:08

NewGirlInTown · 30/08/2025 13:53

Also, please don’t plan to have a ‘sobfest’ on your journey home. If you are in control of a car you need to be concentrating on that.
Sit in the car park for a while if you must.

Im sure the OP wasn't planning on sobbing and wailing while driving down the motorway. She probably meant she would drive round the corner, park up have a cry and then carry on like most people do. A bit insulting that you think you need to tell her that.

PrissyGalore · 31/08/2025 16:08

The, if he’s a good dad to your son, I’d suck it up. It’s not fair on your son if he’d like his dad there-it wasn’t your son’s fault your marriage ended. Can you not keep it civil for a couple of hours? I’m divorced and remarried-both my kids, their dad came too and it wasn’t an issue. But it was nice for the kids to have their dad there to see them off. How would you want them to remember their first day at uni-with their parents proud and happy or aware their parents couldn’t even be in the same car together. When my son graduated, me, their dad and my dh went out the night before-we had a nice night, talked about our son a lot and went our separate ways. But a great memory for our son.

amtrying · 31/08/2025 16:07

Christwosheds · 30/08/2025 12:54

I would just say no. That it’s a big moment for you and an emotional time and you need to be alone on the way back. You don’t need to justify it, or feel guilty, you don’t owe him anything . You are civil for the sake of your son, that is enough under the circumstances.

Absolutely this.Just be honest that you want time on your own driving back.

BuildbyNumbere · 31/08/2025 16:06

stripycats · 31/08/2025 15:33

I hear what everyone is saying about not having the right to stop him coming but I am leaning towards suggesting he comes later in the day or even the following weekend. I just keep having this vision of him being uncomfortable, hanging around, not being able to meet up easily etc and it being worse if he has a nightmare train journey to deal with on top of that.

DS16 (don't think I've mentioned his age on this thread) does want to come and that is another complication. DS1 thinks him coming makes it more necessary for ex to come as otherwise he is the only one not coming. But ds2 really wants to come. I think ds1 would prefer ds2 to stay with ex but he's only just raised all this while ds2 has been saying for months that he wants to come.

So you won’t otherwise be on your own on the drive home having a good cry … DS2 will be there?!?

ttcat37 · 31/08/2025 16:01

Your ex’s behaviour that is unforgivable- why haven’t you told your son? He’s an adult and should be able to make his own decision whether he wants to have a relationship with his father after having all the facts. I would be really bothered if my mother held back information about my father that would have ended my relationship with him.