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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
ScaryM0nster · 31/08/2025 16:43

Big girl pants on.

If it turns out he’s coming, quick conversation with ex to state that won’t be offering a lift home so don’t bother asking.

You don’t get to choose who your DS wants on his first day. You say graduation is the important one, but then this day is clearly a big day to you so it’s maybe fair to extend some recognition that that could be the same for DS and Ex too.

You get to choose whether you participate. You get to choose who goes in your car.

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:41

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 16:18

Honestly it sounds more and more like you don't like your DS as much as you don't like your EX! It's not your adventure it's your son's he gets to decide who comes not you. And you'll be lucky if he doesn't say that he'll get the train with your EX - it can be done i know plenty of Uni students have taken themselves to uni via train!

Show quote history

That’s a rotten way to respond to her.
I’m open-mouthed in horror at the answers here insisting that this lad can and should dictate what shall and shall not be.
He’ll get this arrogance knocked out of him PDQ at uni if he doesn’t cop himself on very soon. (Or will he be reading Law? 😂)

Heading off to uni is exciting and wonderful, but he’s not off on a solo trek in the Andes. (Or to his First Holy Communion, aged seven.)

There’s no need for all these (forgive the word, but maybe ‘performative’?) family expectations and demands.
Doing it yourself by train and British Rail luggage van was very often the thing in my day, so maybe I’m a hardened case.
Still, I do think all this fanfare and fussing for every possible occasion is not altogether a healthy development.

Ilovepastafortea · 31/08/2025 16:40

Yes, I get it's a big thing that DS is going to Uni, but exH presence isn't really required. When I went (more than 40 years ago) my parents saw me to the train & that was it. I would just tell DS that you are not willing to give your ex a lift. End of.

I'm wondering what useful purpose exH can serve? Drop offs for Uni are, as you say, hectic & really how is he going to help?

As MNers are fond of saying 'No is a complete sentence'.

So there's a rail replacement service - Oh Dear how inconvenient. Again 'No' to the lift. Just say 'No that won't be possible' you don't need to make excuses.

MuttsNutts · 31/08/2025 16:39

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:22

But it isn’t graduation day is it; it’s just dropping the son off for his first term.
He’s not a nine year old being sent to boarding school.
He’s an adult now, and shouldn’t be requiring an entourage.

I must be in a very sour humour today. I don’t see at all that it’s the son’s prerogative to dictate who comes along in his mother’s car! Bloody nerve.
He’s being appallingly heedless of his mother’s heavy feelings, and must know that this new chapter will initially be hard on her. She‘s banking on having him alone with her on the way up, feeling as she does, and he’s a worm to try to override that.
If his father makes his way up and back by train, then nobody’s the worse off. Failing that though, he simply doesn’t come.

Why are both parents, even happily married ones, needed on site together anyway?
(I think private fond farewells are all well and good, but there’s no necessity for a big emotional family send-off scene at the lad’s new digs. People probably hire videographers for it all now, I expect)

Demanding that his divorced and mutually hostile parents bury the hatchet for the occasion and endure a ghastly trip there and back is beyond selfish. It’s actually deserving of a stern lecture, lest he continue such behaviour among his new acquaintances.

Huh. I need a chill pill, that’s for sure!

Show quote history

I realised I’d put graduation after posting but same applies - it’s up to DS if he wants his Dad there or not, not OP. Heading off to university is a milestone for many families, whether you agree or not.

And I certainly didn’t suggest that he should travel in OP’s car, I specifically said she should refuse that.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:39

I'm also unsure why so many people are asserting that ds wants ex there. He may, but I also think he may just be anticipating ex bringing it up. Despite what some on here think, ex has done a lot more guilt-tripping than me over the years (I'd like to think I've not done any) and I do think this is what is behind this. Only this year he asked the dc why they only go on holiday with me (they have gone with him a handful of times) despite knowing for months when we were going and having far more flexibility than me about when he can go away - both dc did exams this year so had a long summer, which doesn't benefit me as I'm a teacher. I've never stopped him taking them. I think ds is likely to be anticipating his father's desires as much as anything. Ex is also a very last minute person, so quite likely to suddenly say the night before, 'what time am I seeing you at X uni tomorrow?!' causing ds to have to sort something.

OP posts:
ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:38

Maybe I’m unusual but I’d give my ex a lift to and from this, and they would do me

Helpwithdivorce · 31/08/2025 16:38

There is absolutely no reason why he needs to come with you. He’s your ex for a reason!
Whether your youngest son comes is irrelevant. He may want to come, your son may want him to come and if he does come that is fine, you can be civil and be in the same room for a while surely?

If he’s brazen enough to ask for a lift home I would simply say no that doesn’t work for me.
You do not have to appease your sons by sharing a car with your ex. However you can’t exclude him from the day if he makes his own way and your son wants him there

Arutha · 31/08/2025 16:36

It would be unreasonable of you to say your ex can't be there if your son wants him there.
It would be ridiculously unreasonable for anyone to suggest that you should give your ex a lift, there or back.

Lilactimes · 31/08/2025 16:36

Oh @stripycats I totally hear you. The day I dropped my DD off was tricky! Her and I live together on our own and it was a 4 hour drive to her Uni - so it a tiring and emotional day. She was quite nervous too so I was being very strong and cheery .
anyway I think it’s totally up to you who you have in your car once you’ve left. Try not to worry about things that may happen like cancelled trains. Just go and do your thing and then leave and let ex sort himself out. Good luck and hope it’s a good day x

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 16:35

stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:13

Ds2 being there for the crying is totally different from ex being there though.

A few people have said ds and ex are both adults and can sort it out themselves, but ds is obviously very young and not fully aware of the implications of decisions - I do think he needs guidance. I also think, as someone has suggested, he may be romanticising the day and not thinking about the practical side of his disabled dad hanging around awkwardly while we are dealing with stuff. His dad is an adult but not the most sensible/thoughtful one...

In terms of his past actions, it's the kind of thing we chose not to to share with the dc at the time and then after that it has never seemed the right time. I think it would look like spite if I revealed it now. However, as I said, ds is fine with me not offering a lift and he knows we don't really get on so it's no shock. My worry is something coming up on the day that will make me look a total arsehole if I don't offer a lift back.

And part of being an adult is experiencing and learning how to deal with awkward situations. He may be a young adult, but he is nonetheless an adult and has the right to make decisions you may not like.

Your ‘guidance’ isn’t likely to be well received if he believes it’s a thinly veiled attempt to exclude his father.

Anywherebuthere · 31/08/2025 16:33

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 30/08/2025 13:53

His Dad is quite entitled to travel up on his own steam, although it would be odd.

You can gently point out to your son that you are driving so his father coming in the car isn't an option, so probably a later visit would be better and give them more time - and then forget about it

Why odd? Plenty of people go places on their own.

JillMW · 31/08/2025 16:32

Your husband and son could both go on the train. Take two large suitcases, get a cab to and from station. You can see him off from home which will be less stressful and then nip to see him in the car in a couple of weeks when he is settled in with the rest of his things. Perhaps your son would like his dad’s company. Driving while emotional is not safe and you could have an accident.

Anywherebuthere · 31/08/2025 16:32

He should be there if your DS wants him there.

It is not ok for anyone to try to pressure you into having him in your car. Don't give in to that. Don't make excuses. There is a reason you are not together and you don't want to have any more to do with him than is necessary.

He needs to make his own way there and back.

NapoleonsToe · 31/08/2025 16:30

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:13

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.

Yes, it is up to your DS, I'm surprised you're asking really. If he wants his Dad there, he should be there. How he travels isn't your issue if course.

I can promise you that if you make your son feel uncomfortable about having his Dad there, he will remember it. Don't put him in that position.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 16:30

stripycats · 30/08/2025 13:29

I definitely want the drop off to be short - there's no way I would be able to keep it together for hours on end and I know ds is keen to get on with it - he can't wait to go! That's kind of why I don't really think ex should be there - there isn't time. And with him arriving separately we have to factor in meeting him etc and it could just be very awkward.

I take the point about it being up to ds and I certainly don't want to put him in the middle. I don't know if it would be wrong to suggest he invites his dad for lunch on the following weekend instead and from that it may become clear he wants him there on the day and then I'll have to accept that. I'll have a response lined up for not giving him a lift either way.

It really doesn’t matter that you think he shouldn’t be there, or hasn’t earned the right to be there. What matters is that your son wants his father there on his day. He said plainly that it isn’t up to you, so I wouldn’t approach him with any ‘helpful’ suggestions that aren’t likely to be well received. This is between your son and his father.

Also, kids don’t feel for their parents according to a strict formula of more parenting = owed more love. It isn’t a competition, either. It may not feel fair to you, but as the saying goes: life isn’t fair. Your son’s relationship with his father is a separate one to his relationship with you, and your relationship with your ex is something entirely separate again. Don’t put your son in a position where he feels he has to choose between you, because you’ll only succeed in damaging your relationship with him.

BuildbyNumbere · 31/08/2025 16:30

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 16:20

It really is up to her son who sees/is allowed in his new home - not his mother!

Show quote history

This is about her giving him a lift her car, not about her son allowing him at the uni drop off.

ZoggyStirdust · 31/08/2025 16:29

If you’re petty about this, your son will always remember that time his dad wasn’t there because you didn’t let him.

if you think that’s a win, I don’t know what to say…

Namechange822 · 31/08/2025 16:29

I think that now would be a great time to order something from ikea in uni town, so there’s no room in the car on the way home !

mumofoneAloneandwell · 31/08/2025 16:28

Super simple

Ds1 and 2 can go in the car with you on the way there

You and ds2 can drive back together

Your ex can take the train there and he can take it back. Its up to you to be strong, op. If he tries to ask for a lift, make it clear that it is a no, and stick to it.

If ds2 wants to take the train with his dad in solidarity, say okay, see you at home, love you.

Good luck xx

Willowkins · 31/08/2025 16:26

NewYorkSummer · 31/08/2025 15:38

I was thinking this. We stayed at least 4 hours. It’s hectic, and generally you end up having to pop out for food or forgotten essentials. In my experience most kids don’t want you dropping and running first year, although by second they’re not quite so fussed 😆

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I'm not lying but I guess every university and young adult are different. We were given a 1½ hour slot for parking and were grateful for that (central London uni).
I did arrange to come back the following week and spent a lot more time so it all worked out.

Motherbear44 · 31/08/2025 16:26

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:28

God I never thought I would defend ex, @Lafufufu , but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.

Has anyone who has dropped dc off in cities got any insight into how this would even work out? How long do parents tend to stay and how could we arrange to meet?

I have dropped two off as undergrads. We live abroad so need to stay in a hotel, buy all the stuff (although now it is just a case of online shopping to be delivered to halls apparently). Then we have needed to unload the taxi and cart stuff up to the room. Lots of help with directions from university. Student ambassadors giving directions also set up a nice vibe for the busy day.

Parents give help bringing up the stuff and choosing cupboards in kitchen. I washed DDs stuff too. Some parents hang around and some probably need to get off.

If you think you might be tearing up I would not drag out the whole thing. Maybe have a chat with DS the night before to say that you want to get off promptly because you don’t want to spoil the day by looking sad. Plan to do something before leaving the city even if it is just finding a local park to walk in. My eldest went to Oxford Brookes so there was lots for me to see. Youngest was in University of Sheffield I was used to leaving by then - it was pouring with rain which made us laugh and I went back to the town centre hotel quite happily if somewhat poorer for the two-day shopping spree we had had.

The reason for planning something is to make sure you are not lying when you say that you have plans. You do not give ex a lift. I would not be facilitating anything for him, DS can make all the arrangements.

Thus the last thing DS will see is his cheerful mum waving goodbye telling him to enjoy and take care during freshers. Tell him that you will send a message when you get home. You might want to give him an extra £30 to go to the supermarket “food not alcohol!”.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:26

He's going to catered halls and some other stuff also provided - the car will be full but perhaps not as full as in some cases.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 31/08/2025 16:25

@ConfusedNoMore I understand it’s difficult, but as ‘the child’ in this situation, I’m really glad that I know the facts so I could make an informed decision. Don’t get me wrong- being confronted with information that made me choose to end the relationship with my father was hard.
I bet if the shoe were on the other foot the father of your child wouldn’t hold back on telling the truth about you.

Millytante · 31/08/2025 16:25

Cucy · 31/08/2025 16:21

I wouldn’t have him in the car.
If he wants to be there then he can but that doesn’t mean you need to ferry him about when you’re not comfortable in doing so.

But you can’t stop him from going.

If you are literally planning on dropping DS off and leaving, then tell DS to have him meet him there so he can spend longer with him.

An elegant solution; perfect

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:24

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 16:18

Honestly it sounds more and more like you don't like your DS as much as you don't like your EX! It's not your adventure it's your son's he gets to decide who comes not you. And you'll be lucky if he doesn't say that he'll get the train with your EX - it can be done i know plenty of Uni students have taken themselves to uni via train!

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Where on earth do you get my not liking ds from that? I've just added additional information, that's all. It's not meant to be critical of ds - it's just factual. As well as being excited for him I'm dreading him going and have repeatedly described it as an emotional day yet you decide I don't like him and he'll probably go on the train with ex?

OP posts:
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