To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

Can't you just talk to your son?

'Kiddo, I can handle dropping you off and helping you with your stuff but I don't have the emotional wossnames to add anything else in. So if you want to see your Dad that day, can you arrange that seperately to whatever we're doing. I'll take you to be there for x, ill bugger off by y... the rest of the day is yours to arrange'.

Can you suggest to son that his dad pops up a couple of weeks after he moves in to see how he's doing. My DH has health issues never did drop off for ds and won't for dd. He is sight impaired and absolutely no use for these things, he's going up with me to visit later.

you obviously haven’t read the full thread but why can’t Op just say she’s not prepared to give her ex a lift

Your ex will be no use on moving in day. My DD was on the third floor of her accommodation and it had no lifts. I went with her alone and we had a timeslot to load and unload. We parked up and spent 20 minutes running up and down the stairs with boxes before having to move the car to the park a 10 minute walk away, before coming back and unpacking.

I then took her to the supermarket for food, toilet roll, toothpaste, etc. We went back, stored everything, and then I went home. It’s not really a social occasion - once you’re done you’re no longer useful and they want you gone.

Edited to add - see if you can persuade your DS that his dad should come up the following week and take him out for lunch once he’s settled.

Really stop worrying and focus on your ds.

If the subject comes up again you say something along the lines of:
It's your choice if he comes ds, but there won't be space in the car, so if you let him know we're aiming to arrive about <time> and we'll meet him there. I'm sure he'll be useful to help carry things in.
And btw I've booked to stay <ideally friend you know but dad doesn't, don't give exact place if it's premier inn etc in case dad then books the same> overnight on the way home as I don't think it's a good idea to drive up and back in one day because it makes a long day.

Thus you giving a good reason why he can't be in the car there or back without you stating it.

When you're there, unload the car, if he's self-catered then take him to the shops to buy some food, say a nice goodbye and ask him to at least text one a week so you can know he's still alive(!) and leave.
What his dad does at that point is entirely up to you. If he arrives after you've gone - well he can help pack/take him out to dinner etc. You have done what you want/need to do and anything else doesn't matter.

What you don't want is for it to potentially be held against you later in a "I wanted dad to come, he wanted to come and you stopped him for no reason".

I think it’s perfectly reasonable that he might want his dad to be there. I can’t imagine either of mine not wanting their dad there to move them in. But it’s an emotional day and it’s fine to say that it will be too much on you to drive him, because you need some time to yourself after. He can sort public transport or arrange a lift with a very kind friend or family member.

Do we really think a thread about an ex husband refusing to give the ex wife a lift wouldn’t be full of

”he’s going anyway”
”he’s an arse”
”he should give you a lift, selfish bastard”

If he wants dad there, that's up to him. Nothing to do with you. Yes, it'll be a hard day for you, but this is your son's event.
You are entitled to say no lift though.

Father can come (DS decides), but he does not get a lift. Not going there, not going back.

Of course the ex can go if he wants but like with all these situations he needs to know in advance what is happening and when. Your son may be you but he is moving away and into adulthood and needs to navigate this.

the ex is an adult and should make his own way there and home irrespective of train delays and replacements.

you need a conversation with your ds about the transport (which I think you have had) but I also think you need a conversation about what happens on the day.

So what if his train back is a bus replacement… I’ve taken bus replacements a couple of times. It’s a bit of a pain but no big deal.

You are not obliged to give ExH transport at all. He's a grown man and can make his own arrangements to be at any location arranged and paid for by himself. You DS needs to know the meaning of ''divorce'' unfortunately and that it
does not mean providing a lift for ex. for any occasion.

God I’m glad to read your reaction. Ditto, fifty years ago.
(Also, I had to go down for a couple of days to find myself a room, not fancying halls. That was an eye opener! )

Agree on every point.
Any student I ever knew couldn’t wait to scarper out of their parents’ midst, and I feel uneasy about reinforcing all this ‘super-adhesiveness’ in families.
He probably doesn’t push his Dad around in such a shocking manner, so it’d be a much more harmonious farewell anyway, if he’s really all that bothered about the occasion in that ‘Big Day’ respect.

Surely it’s up to the son what he wants and values, not you

Regardless of whether he wants him there or is anticipating that his dad will want to be there, the advice is the same. Your son plainly told you that it isn’t up to you. Trying to push ‘advice’ onto him isn’t likely to be well received. Step back and leave them to it, don’t make it into an issue that mars your son’s day.

The relationship he has with his father is between them, not between the three of you.

You’re way overthinking this.

You will be unloading the car and then going.

If EXH turns up you say give him the address he will have to get a taxi, and carry on unloading the car. If son is stressed, then he is stressed. It’s not within your control.

Once the car is unloaded you ask DS do you need any help unpacking or shall I leave you to it? (He prob will want to unpack and meet his flatmates alone). Then you leave. If EXH is there you leave him to awkwardly stand around while you’re busy unloading, if he’s at the station you leave DS to go and meet him, You just completely stay out of their relationship and let your son learn how to navigate on his own

It might be helpful if you are okay with saying which university it is.

There were parents’ receptions at my DC’s universities, which was the cue for most parents to leave after a hectic morning unpacking. Halls’ social activities (eg free pizza lunch) and practical things (eg getting student cards, signing up with the GP) started at lunchtime. Both were city universities with short time slots for unloading and very restricted parking. I think that is quite unusual though. I guess it depends what the other students are doing, if they are going out for lunch or shopping with their parents, if there are no organised events until the evening. If that is the case, maybe his DF should be there if they both want that.

I think it’s fine to say ex will have to get himself there but, if your DS wants home to be there, you will have to accept that. I would suggest you point out to your DS that it will be very busy unpacking and that activities might start on arrival day, and he will probably want to get on with meeting people asap and for you to get lost 😂 If that is the case, perhaps you could suggest he has dinner with his dad the night before and he visits your DS a few weeks later.

No you can’t say he can’t attend - this isn’t about you whatsoever. This is your son’s day, don’t turn it into “my mum ruined my drop off day and made it about her”.

You don’t need to have your ex in the car. If he asks for a lift and that’s giving you anxiety, message him beforehand saying you’ll see him there but just to set expectations you will be travelling solo.

If worst case his train is late and he wants to quick put he picked up, is ten minutes that horrific to benefit your son? If so, be clear with your ex your arrival time so he has no excuses.

It's not like it's his first day at school. He's a big boy now. I repeat what useful service is his father going to have? Just a hug & 'good luck son'.

I think there are too many milestones these days. Junior Proms with expensive dresses for 10 & 11 year olds - again at 15/16, again at 17/18 then a big deal about going to Uni?

For all the Love of God, let's save it for the big occasions rather than inventing even more expensive occasions.

You’re being way OTT and overthinking this. Massively.

You don’t have to factor in “meeting him” at all! Get your son to message his dad the location of his accommodation and what time he would like him
there. Then he can make his own travel arrangements via train and taxi. He is able to do that as a grown adult and father isn’t he?
That means when father arrives at a suitable time
you can dash off. Since you want to get it over and done with.

Please don’t give off “this needs to be short and quick and there isn’t time” attitude to your son. He doesn’t need or deserve for it to be rushed and stressful just because you don’t want to be around his father. I mean, how selfish is that?! It should be a calm, smooth and exciting experience for your son. He shouldn’t have to be dealing with your “timings”.

Good idea.

It's fair enough you not giving him a lift but it's very unreasonable to say he can't be there and it isn't up to you. I'd just say you aren't giving a lift and Dad will have to get a lift from someone else or the train.

This is probably why its about time you told him the truth about your ex and why you dont want to spend time alone with him.
He is an adult now.
I think his dad should go if he wants to but definitely say no to a lift. Just leave before that conversation has time to happen. Also realistically if the train is cancelled on his way home. He wouldn't know until he got to the station.

You are maybe over thinking the whole thing
It will be rushed amd once you have emptied the car your ds will probably want to be left to get settled.
Taking your other ds will probably be very handy for carrying stuff .

So you and many posters are happy with the son thinking “my dad missed this milestone because my mum refused to let him the car”

accurate or not, it’s not what I would want my kids to think