To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

When i went to uni hundreds of years ago , my parents dropped me off and I had a little cry after they left. By 5pm I was in the queue for the evening meal, met my best friend all through uni, and in the evening the 3rd years had put on a party at a boys' hall and we got ( almost stinking ) drunk. I dont think you need to worry too much sbout anything. It's not about you.

I completely get you. I get why you are to some extent overthinking. This post could have been written by a friend of mine a couple of years ago. I stick to what I said in my previous post.

It is a day to be cheerful - and firm with DH that should he ask, he does not get a lift.

You will blink and he will be home for reading week😘

You can't say he can't come but you can absolutely make it clear you won't be giving him a lift there or back. Who would want to be in a car with their ex for two hours on the way home.

My parents are divorced and my dad took me to my uni two hours away as I lived with him. It never entered my head my mum coming and she never mentioned it either. The car was filled with stuff there wouldn't have been space. I also solely took my dd to uni without my DH for this reason.

My dad unloaded my boxes, took me a food shop and left. With dd I helped her unpack all her things and get her room sorted, took her a food shop and for food then left so did stay a bit longer. Not sure if a boy would want you unpacking though.

@Ilovepastafortea dc do seem to need more help these days. I visited universities on my own and went to the interviews on my own (40 plus years ago). My parents even forget when my university started and were on holiday when my first year began! Luckily a friend of mine had a car and took me as it would have been a long trek to halls.

I agree, and I add you are not urreasonable not wanting to see him or engage in conversations, etc.
As the poster I'm quoting I have vote you are uresanable for the main thing that is not of your choice is your soon choice. Other than that you are perfectly reasonable.
Finger cross he won't bother and at least you can have some joy on the day dropping your son.

I understand Op. It will be awkward with the ex there and it sounds like he’s the sort to bulldoze his wants and desires on others.
Ypu need to do what your DS wants, but you also need to put boundaries in place.
If your DS wants his Dad there too, fine, but you can’t offer a lift there and back as you have plans. End of.

It is up to DS if he wants him there but it's not up to you to take him or bring him back. It's that simple. I'd be completely honest with DS and explain how you'd love hi to have both of you there but how uncomfortable it will make you to have him in the car. He's old enough to understand. Don't make it a discussion just "oh great good idea for dad to come, how will he get there and back?"

I did wonder how the OP could be so certain she'd be ok about being around the ex at graduation, weddings and whatnot when a simple uni drop off is causing her all this angst.

On the strength of most of the smothering mothering responses here, I can foresee a slew of AIBU posts from these young men’s future girlfriends, who’ll all be wondering what caused them to be such a dreadful boyfriends.
They’ll hit the ground running upon graduation, and not stop issuing demands and emotional blackmail to women until they come up against a wall of sudden regret, but only because such attitudes have been outlawed.

You absolutely don't have to give your ex a lift there or back but if your son wants him to go you will have to put up with seeing him. We had a 3 hr drive and had to overallow time for the drive to make sure we made the allocated timeslot so found the nearest coffee shop with an Aldi nearby. We went for lunch and to stock up on food for DS then did the drop off and left fairly quickly. I agree with others that you don't want to hang around for long. It is an emotional day so don't let yourself be guilted into driving the ex home - it's a hard enough journey with a partner who supports you. Good luck.

Oh yes I recall a family bbq or something similar at Oxford Brookes. I did not have the time or inclination to go. It was back in 2008 so finances may be different now.

We fitted 6 of us when we took dd1 to university - a peugeot 807.

None of that is really the point, is it.

There is absolutely no reason why he needs to come with you.
By that 'logic' there's no need for the OP to go either, many students get themselves back and forth without mummsy.
Don't worry, you'll have 3 or 4 years to think of excuses why he shouldn't be at his son's graduation!

Two points

1. It still sounds as if you find difficulty saying NO to your ex. You have no responsibility for driving him places or making life easier for him
2. You could possibly suggest to DS that the best time to see his dad is NOT on moving in day, but one or two weeks later when dad can take the starving student (and maybe a friend) out for a meal.

Sounds now more and more like you've got lots of unresolved issues around your ex and you are using this to have a go. I'm starting to rhink.you arent that bothered about your sons feelings either. Its all about you.

I mean if he is there and asks for a lift back, say yes and just take him back to the train station? He came by train so of course he would be going home by train? 😇

Or, hear me out, you could put your feelings aside for five minutes and acknowledge your son wants his dad there for this momentous part of his life.

I totally understand this is a huge deal for you and will be an emotional day.
I don’t think you can choose whether your ex is there or not, but you absolutely can choose whether or not you give him a lift, regardless of any public transport issues that may arise.
It doesn’t seem like he’s been a brilliant partner or co parent with you but unfortunately he is his dad and has every right to be there.
It does seem from your post that you are imagining lots of different scenarios which may occur and be awkward. Presumably there is the chance he may not come, may come later once you’ve left, may come but it be amicable and there be no suggestion of travelling together. I wonder if it would be easier with your other son there too as you both can chat to him if the other parent is with your other son etc.
I hope it goes well for you.

I can think of nothing worse than being on my own in the car with my ex so I do feel for you OP. Think you need to be very forthright and tell him that giving him a lift back doesn’t work for you because you not going straight back ……. Invent someone who you’re visiting to break the journey if necessary.
Hope your son has a great time at university too. 💐

When he is an independent adult, certainly,

Seriously. What your DS’s dad does is none of your business. How your DS responds to what his dad does is none of your business.
Stop overthinking this, plan what YOU are doing, and let others look after themselves.
Stay in your lane.

Reading your updates, I really and truly think you can and should simply not make this trip at all.
(All depending on a decent train service from exH town, though not on whether that suits him. It’ll have to! If not, you drive up after all, but without him, end OF.)

You are going to end up on tablets at this rate, with all these fears and pressures piling up over what absolutely doesn’t need to be a flipping ‘occasion™️’ at all.
Your lad is capable of unpacking his own stuff, I’d hope.
Why must two men loom this large over your bit of sunlight?
Let them make of the day what they want of it, and you just embrace your lad before he sets off to meet his dad.
Then you can weep away as freely as you like (and more safely 🚗)

If the three of you can reshape this date in a civilised and mature way, it can still be a very good memory in years to come, but as things stand, it’s a miseryfest in the making, I think.

Ding be so hard on the son you coldhearted idiot.