To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

@stripycats he can come if that’s what your son wants but he has to make his own way there, you shouldn’t have to drive your ex there xx

I’ve dropped two kids off at halls in cities. Both times without their father being involved.

Your son is a child who needs guidance still. but it’s perfectly fine for that guidance to be “your relationship with your father and how you manage it is none of my business, but I have a firm boundary that I do not want to spend any more time with him than is necessary”

“if you’d like your father to come, I will be civil and polite to him however I will not be giving him a lift, nor will I be organising anything for him”

I mean this with complete kindness, but it sounds like you still feel you have to be responsible for his emotions. You don’t. You don’t have to be responsible for his relationship with your children. You have to be responsible for helping your child to manage his emotions around his relationship with his father,, that’s as far as it goes.

In last two years I’ve had to do two graduations and in both cases my kids did dinner the night before with their father, we all did the ceremony together, and then I had lunch/cocktails afterwards. And in both cases my kids complained during that about their father and I did a relatively good job of hiding my glee at the fact they recognise I was the more involved parent they felt they could trust.

I presume that Dad is a grown adult and can get a taxi from station to uni? We dropped DD off at Durham and it was great but a frantic and she was keen for us to leave so she could start mixing.

If you’re done by then, then the car will be unpacked and you’ll either be on your way, or in the shops picking up some extra bits.

Your DS can meet his dad and show him where he’ll be living. You don’t need to hang around and wait for ex to turn up.

You just need to managed expectations around ‘the instructions say we need to unload the car swiftly, so we’ll need to pack it in a way that makes that easy to do, and then unload and take everything up to your room in bags / boxes, and then can move the car if we need to and go back up to room and sort everything out’. The unloading car bit needs to be done in one go.

You're obviously nervous about him leaving home. Focus on what you and DS2 do when you get home and for next couple of weeks.

Parents and other grown ups come and go all day on moving in weekend.

This

That seems a bit crap and extremely self absorbed of them though and not typical of the times.

I’m not seeing much difference, apart from all the information and processes online.

Long thread so Havent read it

You dont have to give him a lift if you dont want to, but its not your call if he wants his dad there to settle in or see the place or be part of the 'drop off' if dad makes his own way there

Dad being there is a good thing, its what a good parent would do

If you’ve ever done dropping off at uni, a graduation etc… you’ll know it’s VERY different.
Both in what’s going on (my dcs just wanted to settle, not spend hours with us then) and in the organisation.
Plus I’d still expect the other parent to sort out making their own way thete and back. Not expecting a lift.

Its about what the ds wants AND about what his dad can do.
The OP doesn’t have to facilitate the dad being there for him. The ex could find someone to take him there, organise a time to meet up at Uni etc… he has agency and could organise things himself wo automatically rely on the OP to make things work.

I think if his dad wants to be there then he gets a train and meets you there. Absolutely no way would I be travelling with him.
Your son says he won’t refuse him a lift. Well I’m afraid if it’s your car it’s absolutely not your son’s prerogative . He can say to his dad that he( dad) will have to ask mum. I doubt he will and if he does you can say no that’s not convenient .

I agree, and I know you said you (plural) decided to keep the kids out of the reasons for the divorce, fair enough, but it sounds like he's still controlling you. Why not have a conversation with your ex? Tell him you don't feel comfortable with him in the car so if he does come on his own, he needs to NOT try to to wangle a lift back. If he can't agree to that, then tell him you'll get explaining to DS the reasons why you won't have him in your car.

He has to make his own way up if he’s going to go. What should you help him?!

Having dropped off my two dcs at uni in recent years, it’s HECTIC.

Youll have time to drop the stuff with them quickly and then go away.
Some people/families chose to stay for the afternoon together, which might or might not be easy depending on the uni town (one was very easy, the other NOT)
My own dcs just wanted time to set their stuff up, meet their flatmates and maybe see if other of the school friends are there too (one dc had a few, the other not).
As the parent (not separated) who is disabled, you feel like a spare part, in the way etc… And you dint get to see your dc much (who is just going up and down to carry stuff).

Re your ex
Id say there isn’t space - because there won’t be (esp if you have a small ish car)
And you’re stopping to see X on the way back. Just for an hour but ex can’t come.
If your ex decides to come by train, he’ll have to sort it out. Before emptying the car, no space. During, you can’t loose your parking spot. Afterwards is … well too late to help but your ds might want to meet up with him. His choice and tbh not an issue for you.

The reality is that now your ds is an adult, it will be up to him to decide how and when he is seeing his dad. What he can’t expect is for you to facilitate that. And I say that as the disabled parent there.

Come off it, surely he doesn't know who all your friends are and where they live? He's not entitled to demand details anyway. After all, you could perfectly credibly have made new friends since you were together, or your previous friends could have moved house. Just tell him you're staying with your good friend Francesca Wilson (or similar reasonably probable sounding name) who lives quite near, if he asks questions tell him it's none of his business.

Or you could simply tell him that, after the way he behaved, you can't tolerate him in the car on any basis and he will have to make his own arrangements.

Your DS very clearly wants him to come - so I would make the effort to make it work however you can.

It’s more about DS than you or his DF.

Though I appreciate your points, I would start to consider it the same as graduation, wedding - because if you can get your head around those, you can do this.

You know… this came as a surprise to me but in the case of my son… what did he want? For us all to clear off asap and certainly before six so we could join the sesh the college had organised…

Obviously… I had to insist it was my last day too so he offered to walk me to the station so we could say good bye away from his prospective new friends 😁

I don't think your being unreasonable to say no to a lift.
As others say you can't stop him from attending and you have made it clear to your DS that the possibility of a lift is already out of the question. So stand firm to this don't get suckered into any further discussion about it. If he's there he's there.

The best thing you can do dropping him off is to drop off boxes etc. Make sure he's got some teabags, milk biscuits and any other snacks things (beers) and let him get on with setting his room up himself!

YABU. It’s up to your son, and however awful your ex may be, you should not involve your son in any fight you have with his father.

You’re allowing your feelings to override those of your son. He should be able to have a relationship with his father.

You drop him with his stuff on the day, dad takes the train to meet him for lunch a day after.

What does your son want? It’s a big day for him too. Can anyone else take his Dad? Or is a taxi feasible?

Oh course she is, nobody has suggested otherwise. Even OP said ds was fine with her not giving his dad a lift.

Can’t believe the number of votes against you! You will be sobbing all the way home and don’t need excess baggage in your car. It’s a city location so ex can make his own way. Speaking from experience.

And she's allowed to say who goes in her car. Not her and and not her DS.

when me and DH dropped ds for first year, we ended up with me driving and him going on train due to car space! I’d tell ds to just tell his father to take the train for this reason

I have dropped three DC off at different universities (and also for Army and Navy training) and it has never been a "social for the parents" occasion. The aim has been to get the child and possessions to wherever they are meant to be, hug them lovingly, make sure there is nothing of theirs left in the car, and drive away (and then have a good cry later). They are adults now, they don't want parents round their necks like albatrosses, and parents are going to be an embarrassment no matter how loved and generally cool those parents may be. Yes, it is up to your DS if he wants your ex hanging about, but your ex is going to be a spare prick at a wedding (and serve the bastard right!) I hope for everyone's sake that if his turning up is not made easy for him in any way, he'll decide it's too difficult for him, and refrain from messing your DS about.

I don't know quite what your DS is expecting of you, or of your ex, but he ought to be looking forward, not back!

You can't say that ex cannot come, but you can say that you don't want him in your car., either on the way up or on the way back. He can get the train and any replacement bus services.