To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

This. I would not offer him a lift .

Could your other child travel with you too, then you’re not alone with ex on the way back?

Also remind yourself that there will be future occasions such as graduation, possible weddings etc and you need to mark out your position

Maybe check the trains timetables yourself it might give you an idea where to expect him ( if) and will help you with planning.
Then I would advise DC to offer dad to come a bit later on the day, as he can’t help with unloading anyway.
I’m really sorry that your ex spoiling a day for you.

If ex wants to come and be part of drop off at uni then that’s perfectly ok but it’s not ok to expect you to drive him given the history, he can make his own way there.

@stripycats

Obviously, you cannot dictate if your ex goes.

Perhaps you're overthinking, you have zero obligation to offer transport to him, in either direction.

Go with your two sons, have a rough departure/arrival time which your eldest can relay to his Dad.

You may remember when you went to uni and as others have mentioned, the drop off is manic and you and your sons will be off loading and sorting his things into his room/kitchen etc.

Do not guilt yourself into worrying about how the ex is going to travel, there or back. I'm sure you will be civil enough, if your ex does decide to go (he may not)

This is an exciting new chapter for your son, keep reminding yourself of that @stripycats, this is his day and I'm positive you love your son more than you hate your ex, gird yer loins lovely.

Good luck.

Suggest ExDP goes the following week to see DS and bring him food/50 million extension leads/cash for the washing machine?

As difficult as it is to accept it isnt up to your son to manage your trauma, especially at such an important transition in their life.

He gets to decide who he would like there. You get to decide if that is something you can cope with.

You are under no obligation to give him a lift and would just say no sorry not possible if its presented.

This is only the beginning of transitioning to adult relationship with your child and managing seeing your ex.

It isnt just graduations and weddings it's right down to grandchildren and adults being expected to manage their own families to suit their separated parents.

And if you do "suggest" he asks his dad to meet him a later weekend it will be just the beginning of you "suggesting" ie manipulating situations with your adult children to suit your wants.

We have adult kids and grandkids and a blended family. None of the ex s get on but it was made very clear once kids came on the scene they wouldn't be making decisions to suit anyone but the kids. Every one invited come if you want but there wont be double and more to suit other adults.

So maybe the will be a good test of how you will manage situations as they arise in the future.

She said in her OP that she's told ds she won't be giving his dad a lift and he was fine with it.

You'll want space, it's more emotional than you can envisage.
Meeting Dad after won't be a problem, the students arrive over a number of days and across each day so he won't miss out of he's out with Dad for a couple of hours. It could be nice for Dad to explore campus or take him shopping for some essentials, or a bit of alcohol.
I hope all goes well for you. It's a heck of a step!

I suspect the OP has spent years facilitating the ex and their dcs relationship.
That SHE ensured they saw each other etc…
Just now, the ds somehow hopes his dad will be there but the ex hasn’t made any steps to do so! Ask how it would work etc…

And the OP (and her da) expects her to make it happen. Probably because that’s what she has been doing since the separation.

Theres a lot of change going on there too. A change in exoectation fir ALL of them

You’ve asked for peoples’ opinions by posting on AIBU so you’re going to receive all sorts of different perspectives.

What’s shining through this is that you’re entirely self-focussed and three quarters deaf to any opinion that doesn’t support your own.

Along the way you’ve explained:
• Both of your sons want to go to the city, with you, to drop off your eldest son.
• Your eldest son would be happy enough if his dad attended as well.
• You have yet to let go of needing to cope by planning and controlling the shit out the day, way beyond your remit.
• Regardless of how awfully you regard the man you decided to have children with, your sons have a father who may attend the University on the day, which clearly your eldest son would enjoy.
• Your biggest job is to continue to set an example of emotional regulation, balance, and calm.

You’re gonna have to put your big girl pants on and set aside your long-ago-learnt distain for their father and be a big person.

The bitterness you hold is ripe between the lines of your posts, and likely has already deeply affected your boys.

If arrangements become complicated you are going to have to be calm on the fly. You can’t predict how ex’s will behave at these huge events in our children’s lives, and sadly you’re showing so many emotionally dysfunction traits I’m sad for the pupils you teach for the example you blindly and clearly un-self-awarely show them.

It really is time to let go and allow the relationship between your boys and their dad, no matter how you personally are uncomfortable/triggered or upset.

You’re being unreasonable.

Are you frightened of him? If not, I’d go with it and make your son happy. You may no longer be married but you are still parents. From this point on you’ll prob see a lot less of him. Perhaps you could let him ride with you on the way there, but say you have somewhere else to be later and that he’ll need to get the train home.

You’ve said he can’t have a lift and stick to it. Nothing more or less. You don’t need to worry or make up lies.

YANBU

He can catch a coach or train if he wants.

Why don’t you suggest that Dad goes 2 weeks after on his own to check in and make sure he is okay? I have a large car and it was full up. There is no room for him.

This is your son’s day, he needs to decide and you need to deal your feelings separately from that.

I mean this with complete kindness, but it sounds like you still feel you have to be responsible for his emotions. You don’t. You don’t have to be responsible for his relationship with your children. You have to be responsible for helping your child to manage his emotions around his relationship with his father,, that’s as far as it goes.

I agree with that.
I think going into halls is about your ds leaving home.
Its also about handing over to both them tge responsibility to make their relationship work.
Youve facilitated their relationship so far. Kudos to you.
But now, you need to step back from that role too. Regardless of your ex disability, not driving etc….

I did the whole being nice giving my ex a lift once when ds had a minor operation (ex had lost his licence so couldn't bring himself) nightmare total nightmare! He started by demanding i collect him from his house at a certain time i said that wont work we will be late huff puff later he agrees to a time I start driving he keeps moving and unplugging my phone i was using as a sat nav i had to repeatedly ask him to stop moving my phone (he was putting right where i needed to change gear) he kept offering to drive if I "couldn't handle it" (i can handle it fine just stop unplugging the sat nav you idiot) "I'm fine" we get there I'm pissed as hell he said how long do we need to be here? (With his eyes rolling) i said if your in a rush the train is up the road do you NEED me to buy you a ticket? The staff shunted us in a side room as soon as ds went down he vanished he came back ftervan hour and sat there making snide remarks until ds got back on the way home he continually acted like I couldn't drive again kept moving my phone 🙄 his phone kept ringing over and over and over again i told him to answer it or mute it "its just my mom no need to act like that" then answer it but stop distracting me while I'm driving (he didn't answer it so I turned my music up) then the window winding started up and down uuuup and doooown fml my kids are better behaved than that man

First and last time I let him in my car

Yanbu

Your ds doesn't need to facilitate your ex beyond sending a postcode and address. If they get in touch last minute, they can be sent details and timings.

Under no circumstances would I collect from the station or offer a lift.

You not sorting this out is not causing the problem. If your ex wants to come, they can make travel arrangements for themselves.

I would probably mention your standpoint in advance to your DC. Keep it neutral, 8 won't be offering lifts, timetable for the day is X, we (you and Ds16) can go here for dinner on the way home.

I have a uni drop off in a few weeks. Hope you have something nice planned for yourself 🍷💐

I’d be wary that if take him this time, whenever you plan to visit your son, your ex (and son) will expect it to be both of you each time!

@stripycats just say you won’t
have ex in the car under any circumstances. If pressed, you don’t have to be rude about ‘Dad’ but you can be honest and say he behaved badly and you are very uncomfortable with it. Additionally you can say you might be emotional going home and you want to focus on the drive and your own feelings. Worst case is Dad can stay in DS’s uni town - not your problem at all.

I’m very struck OP by how much seem to want to control almost the relationship between DS and ex.

It’s not up to you to give him “guidance” as to how to interact with his dad. It’s not up to you to suggest that he has his dad for lunch another day instead or start thinking about whether DS should be making friends Vs talking to his dad. DS is an adult. Let him at it.

All you need to do is be clear that no matter what you won’t be giving a lift. Fair enough.

Actually you will have a lot of stuff…

I think, as you've recognised now, that it is unreasonable to tell your ex or your DS that your ex can't come at all - your DS is right, this part isn't up to you. But it is not unreasonable at all to say no to giving your ex a lift. You shouldn't have to come up with an excuse. Just say, 'No, I won't be doing that.' No need to apologise or explain. (Appreciate that's easier said than done, especially when you're put on the spot. Practice coming up with a response that is short and acceptable to you, so it rolls off the tongue easier if this situation arises.)