To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

But if the ds doesn't want to do that and would rather have his dad there on the day that also needs to be respected.

Obviously with no lifts being given.

Some genuinely awful responses here. There are exes and there are EXES. The ones who are abusive, who made your life hell, who wrecked your mental health. I have one of those, and while we can be civil on the very, very rare occasions we're in each other's company, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I never clapped eyes on him again.

OP, I can feel your panic in your posts, and I get it, and I get why you're overthinking it all. Do not feel bad about not giving him a space in your car, at all. If he wants to go, he can get himself there and back.

Being practical it’s useful to have as many hands as possible to do the carrying on the day, but my experience of drop off (my own and my sisters as dad was working and couldn’t change his shift) is that they are chaotic and not the time for a look around or a prolonged stay.
It may be things are more regimented nowadays and not so rushed but in your circumstances I wouldn’t be keen to forgo space in the car just so his dad can do the drop off with you. Although your son seems keen for him to be there now it may well be that he wont want either of you to hang around too long anyway once he’s actually there.
Could he perhaps arrange to meet his dad later in the week for a drink

You don't get to choose if your ex goes or not - that is up to DS. That also includes making any meeting arrangements - not your circus, down to the two of them (and make sure DS knows this and is on board). It is down to you who does and doesn't travel in your car, all you say to both sons "I will be polite to your dad if he shows, but I won't be taking him either there or back in my car". Stop overthinking! And have a good drop off day - it is rewarding and heart wrenching at the same time.

Can you find a lovely place nearby that you can say you're going to for a long walk to clear your head after dropping ds off? That would be my response if asked to drive ex home. A country park or National Trust place? Or a huge shopping centre?

You don't have to go there but that would be my ready excuse if I needed one.

No way would I be driving him under any circumstances. Unless maybe he was dying and I needed to take him to hospital.

I'm not sure I'm understanding the question correctly. But it's not unreasonable to deny extending a lift to your ex. You two don't have that kind of relationship and it would put you at difficulty to share space with him on what is already an emotionally fraught day. I'd be very clear with my child about that boundary. Kind but firm. If dad wants to make his way there and back on his own that's fine but you won't be extending a ride to him under any circumstances.

I’m sure her son would be thrilled by OP making his day about her feelings.

He could of course turn around and tell her not to worry herself at all, and that he’d rather just make his own way there.

What could be an even better idea is for OP to accept what her son has already told her, that whether his father is there or not is nothing to do with her.

I have to say, 'Unreasonable'.
This is a special day for your child. It isn't about you. It isn't about your ex.
Step over it and make the effort for your child so they can have a good memory of the day.
Offer a lift to your ex, don't wait to be asked. Be generous, be the better person, rise above your anger and put the child first.
You and ex once got on well enough to produce the child so maybe you can be adult enough to offer your ex a lift home and while away the journey with polite conversation or the radio? Perhaps your ex is just as apprehensive but you have the answer ready; a big smile and "Not today...this is their day.....".
Best wishes.

It’s completely unreasonable (and terrible parenting) to ruin your son’s first day at uni by attempting to stop your ex from coming - which it seems like you are trying to do.

In the unlikely event that your ex tries to get a lift back with you, there is a very simple, English word which is “No”. He can’t complain about travelling by train if he came up on one. And if there are any problems, he can sort them out (stay in hotel, whatever). Don’t see how on earth you’d be put in a situation where you had to give him a lift.

Thats emotional manipulation. Which so many adults face because of the dysfunction of their parents.

Don’t make excuses just say no if he asks for a lift. Back in my day it was a case of help carry boxes to your room then pop to supermarket to buy snacks and drinks for room and then go. Your son will want to be meeting other people there ideally so not sure his dad rocking up later is ideal but up to your son I suppose. Visiting a couple of weeks later would be better I’d have said? It’s a long train journey to watch you both carry boxes and leave.

Why “distraught”, I’m a highly sentimental person and I don’t think I’d tell my child I was “distraught” about them leaving. It’s his day to start uni he doesn’t need to be worrying about his mother. Yes, there is sadness in kids growing up but given today’s economy he’ll probably at least be home for his summers if not also after uni. He’s starting uni, it’s a good thing!

OP doesn’t get on with their ex, understandable, she just needs to say no lift, end of.

I agree. And I don’t think she should even suggest her ex can’t go but it is within her power to keep the boundary of no lift.

He has not asked for a lift.

He hasn’t communicated with her at all.

The problem is all in the OP’s mind.

Similar scenario many moons ago when I went to university. My parents were on non speaking terms and also going through a court process re child maintenance. Despite this they got over themselves and both took me to move into university and put me first which is what I’d urge you to do to your son. Unless you divorced for abuse related reasons and you feel unsafe in the rare event you need to drive him back then I think YABU to deny your son to have his dad coming. If trains don’t work there’s also national express etc that may work depending on location.

I dropped ds off in London for Uni, was pre covid so not sure if it's still the same, we had a time to arrive we unpacked the car dumped everything in the room then parked up elsewhere and then went back to the room and unpacked went to the local supermarket stocked up for him and bought a lunch meal deal, ate lunch together then left him to it and drove 5 hours home.

I don’t think it needs more than “i am not giving your Dad a lift, he can make his own way” and she said her son was ok with this.

YANBU. I believe in honesty, explain to DS that exH isn't welcome in the car (there or back) due to the unpleasantness he has put you through in the past. It would make you feel uneasy.

You can't stop him turning up and you can be civil if he does but no lifts are on offer.

I would be really honest with your eldest son. Say ‘If your Dad wants to come, he can meet us there, but I can’t give him a lift back, I really can’t. I’ll be so upset about you Jack. I’m immensely proud of you and so pleased you’re starting uni, but you’ll always be my boy and I’m going to be distraught about you not being at home. I want a good old cry and I can’t do that with your Dad. We’re civil with with other Jack, but it’s still hard for me and the split was incredibly difficult for me.

What could be a great idea is if I take you down as planned and your Dad come the next weekend to take you out for a nice meal. He can bring down any bits that we have forgotten.’

Not unreasonable not to give a lift. Just say it won't be happening there or back. If necessary event a friend you are visiting on the way home.

It might be worth pointing out to your DS that it will be a busy day moving things and meeting people. And if he dad wants to come maybe one of the next couple of weekends would be better once he settled. He can show him round and get his dad to take him for dinner.

yes I agree the ex has an equal right to be there but she doesn’t need to drive him

Better to encourage your son to have his dad arrange to visit him for lunch/dinner in a couple of weeks time - when he's worked out what things he needs that he forgot to take and are easier to take to him rather than him buying spares and not during Freshers' week when there's lots of activities happening.

It becomes not you saying no, but suggesting a better option.

You are being completely out of line to say ex can't be there. Not matter whether you think it is a small event or big event. Your son has a right to want and have his father there.

YANBU to stand your ground and not provide transport either way to your ex.

She doesn’t have to give him a lift though - he can get the train.

I'd take the 16 year old. There's a lot of luggage to be lugged up to the flat. It took us ages negotiating the lift with other parents to get everything in the room . We then had lunch together and said our goodbyes.