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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:08

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:02

And swallowed her feelings. I think chn of 18 anre old enough to understand.

Show quote history

Yes, on a day about her daughter. What was wrong with that? Parents are old enough to understand that the relationship their child/ren have with their other parent is a separate thing to the one they have with their ex.

Someone that make their children’s important moments and events all about them runs the very real risk of finding themselves the ones ultimately excluded.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:07

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 31/08/2025 20:03

I am unsure how "He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come" really means "DS wants his dad there". DS seems to me not to give a tuppenny one whether his dad is there or not, from that and his not being concerned that his disabled dad won't be getting a lift.

If we heard the reasons the divorce happened, my bet is people would have been lining up to tell OP to LTB.

OP said her ex regularly gets trains and other public transport. Cant see why the ds would be any more fazed about his dad doing it on this occasion than any other.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/08/2025 20:07

It's not up to you.
Don't give him a lift, put your child's feelings before your own, you picked his father, he had no choice.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:06

I'm not comfortable with all the insistence on this thread, crystallised by @Overthewaytwice , that this day has NOTHING to do with parents AT ALL. Obviously it is a big day all round but all this, 'it's not about you,' is a bit off, imo. It is a bit about parents who live with their dc full-time when they leave home and go on to the next stage. It absolutely doesn't make manipulation or emotional blackmail ok, and the child's feelings are very important, but I think a bit of consideration for others is important too.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 31/08/2025 20:06

I think in this case your DS's feelings trump yours. If DS wants him there then he should be. It is not your DS fault that his parents separated.

KeenGreen · 31/08/2025 20:06

I don’t think you’re BU not wanting him there or wanting him in your car.

As others have said you can’t say he can’t be there, leave that to DS, but you can say you’re not driving him.

I think instead of making up excuses etc, just say ‘no I can’t give a lift, I’m not comfortable with that’

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:05

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 31/08/2025 20:03

I am unsure how "He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come" really means "DS wants his dad there". DS seems to me not to give a tuppenny one whether his dad is there or not, from that and his not being concerned that his disabled dad won't be getting a lift.

If we heard the reasons the divorce happened, my bet is people would have been lining up to tell OP to LTB.

Exactly

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:03

Stepmothers that cheated with the father??? Err no. Stay at home.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 31/08/2025 20:03

I am unsure how "He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come" really means "DS wants his dad there". DS seems to me not to give a tuppenny one whether his dad is there or not, from that and his not being concerned that his disabled dad won't be getting a lift.

If we heard the reasons the divorce happened, my bet is people would have been lining up to tell OP to LTB.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:02

stripycats · 31/08/2025 19:59

That's great @Overthewaytwice , but I think it a bit of a shame your stepmum didn't have the sensitivity not to attend the drop-off. Like I've said, other events are different. Both she and your dad could have considered how your mum would feel.

Overthewaytwice wanted her father and stepmother there. She’d have been gutted if they hadn’t been. Why is the mother putting her daughter first a worse outcome than her daughter being gutted?

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:02

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:01

Of course it’s ‘okay’. The poster’s mother recognized that the day was about her daughter, not her.

Show quote history

And swallowed her feelings. I think chn of 18 anre old enough to understand.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:01

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 19:58

Oh your mum would’ve been uncomfortable for sure but she no doubt swallowed it for you. This is not ok.

Show quote history

Of course it’s ‘okay’. The poster’s mother recognized that the day was about her daughter, not her.

Blueblell · 31/08/2025 19:59

It sounds like you are jumping the gun a bit as you say your DS hasn’t asked him yet. If he can’t drive is he very mobile? When I took my son last year it was bloody hard work as the lifts were broken and couldn't park anywhere close. I would suggest that it might be an idea if Dad came to visit in a week or two for lunch and that the physical nature of the moving in might be difficult for him.

You might want to have a little cry on the way home and can understand why you wouldn’t want him in the car. But just a heads up - it is not the end they come back as I have found!

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 19:59

That's great @Overthewaytwice , but I think it a bit of a shame your stepmum didn't have the sensitivity not to attend the drop-off. Like I've said, other events are different. Both she and your dad could have considered how your mum would feel.

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 19:58

Overthewaytwice · 31/08/2025 19:56

If you can put a happy face on for your son, do it. The day is about him (I'm sure it will be an emotional one for you, it's still his life event).

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. All three dropped me off at university because they all wanted to support me and I'm so grateful they were there. If my mum had even hinted that she was uncomfortable, I'd have found an excuse to keep my dad and stepmum away. I'd have told her that I didn't mind at all, but secretly, I'd have been gutted.

Same with my graduation, wedding, and now, events with my own children. The biggest gift they have given me post divorce is acting like they don't mind being in the same room together.

Oh your mum would’ve been uncomfortable for sure but she no doubt swallowed it for you. This is not ok.

Overthewaytwice · 31/08/2025 19:56

If you can put a happy face on for your son, do it. The day is about him (I'm sure it will be an emotional one for you, it's still his life event).

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. All three dropped me off at university because they all wanted to support me and I'm so grateful they were there. If my mum had even hinted that she was uncomfortable, I'd have found an excuse to keep my dad and stepmum away. I'd have told her that I didn't mind at all, but secretly, I'd have been gutted.

Same with my graduation, wedding, and now, events with my own children. The biggest gift they have given me post divorce is acting like they don't mind being in the same room together.

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 19:56

JayJayj · 31/08/2025 19:50

I voted yabu because this is what your son wants.

However I would be saying that your ex has to make his own way and that you will not be driving him. That isn’t unreasonable at all.

And that’s what most people have said. She is NOT being unreasonable at all. It’s not all about what the son wants actually. Her feeling are just as valid.

JayJayj · 31/08/2025 19:50

I voted yabu because this is what your son wants.

However I would be saying that your ex has to make his own way and that you will not be driving him. That isn’t unreasonable at all.

Theunamedcat · 31/08/2025 19:49

Now your not together his transport is not your problem channel your inner top gear "anyway"

Episode 2 Whatever GIF
seasid · 31/08/2025 19:46

I’m totally on your side and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. My ex abused me and every time he comes to our sons events, I don’t want him there because it makes all the happy memories negative as I cannot enjoy myself as I’m triggered by him being there.

I don’t think it will be fair to say he can’t be there as it’s your son’s decision. But you are WELL within your right to decline having him in your car and you don’t have to speak to him if you’re not comfortable.

Praying4Peace · 31/08/2025 19:44

MyJobNow · 31/08/2025 19:04

I have to say, 'Unreasonable'.
This is a special day for your child. It isn't about you. It isn't about your ex.
Step over it and make the effort for your child so they can have a good memory of the day.
Offer a lift to your ex, don't wait to be asked. Be generous, be the better person, rise above your anger and put the child first.
You and ex once got on well enough to produce the child so maybe you can be adult enough to offer your ex a lift home and while away the journey with polite conversation or the radio? Perhaps your ex is just as apprehensive but you have the answer ready; a big smile and "Not today...this is their day.....".
Best wishes.

Edited

THANK YOU

BerryTwister · 31/08/2025 19:43

OP do you have an arrival slot scheduled yet?

When I dropped DS1 at university we had to book an arrival slot, and were meant to be in and out within about an hour. In reality the halls had a massive car park, so most people stayed much longer as there was plenty of space.
We arrived at lunch time, had a quick McDonald’s, then went in. Then it took about 30 minutes for DS to get his key etc, as of course there are queues at the registration point.

Then we unloaded his stuff and sorted his room out, put pictures up, made the bed etc. That probably took about 1.5 hours. There were other students and parents in his corridor doing the same thing.
Then (as it was self catering) we went to the nearby Tesco and did a big shop.

By this time it was probably around 5ish, and the various students in DS’s corridor and the one next door were talking about going to the bar. So at that point I left.

It’s all quite full on, with students and parents all like rabbits in headlights, trying to hold it together and navigate this momentous change.

If your ex is keen to be involved, I would suggest you try and get a morning check-in. You can then do all the unpacking, shopping etc, and then you could leave. Your ex could then come and see DS in his new room, maybe take him out for a late lunch or early tea, and DS would be back in his room in time for the first night out.

Good luck whatever you do. It’s such an emotional time. I was determined DS wouldn’t see me cry, so I held it together till I got in the car. I pulled myself together quickly though, and as I drove home (3.5 hours) I remember thinking how glad I was that I had DS2 to go home to. I’m a single parent and going back to an empty house would have been hard.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 19:34

I’m sad for the pupils you teach for the example you blindly and clearly un-self-awarely show them.

Gosh, I was starting to reflect on myself there and then you came out with this, which is utterly ridiculous @Saladbrains, and just made me laugh. You must be projecting to be so sure that that my sons have 'been deeply affected' by my bitterness - you have no idea how hard I have worked to ensure they have been able to maintain a relationship with their dad, including keeping to myself the worst of his actions. There have been times when both dc have been very reluctant to see ex and I did my best to support the relationship then, putting in more work than he ever has.

He has found them easier the older they have got, which is good, and they have a decent enough relationship with him now. I am still convinced it's ex's feelings on the matter ds is most concerned with, rather than mine or, more importantly, his own.

Also, I notice more and more these days that women on here are blamed for not knowing that the 'man they chose to have children with' would turn out to be a less than ideal father, partner, or human being. The little dig about that did not go unnoticed, in yours and some other posters' comments. I chose to have children with him but that doesn't mean I had a crystal ball and now have to put up with anything he throws my way.

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 31/08/2025 19:34

YABU and very unfair on your son.
Son"s wellbeing comes first, however hard that is for you.
If I sound harsh, I have been there and got the t-shirt

MistyMountainTop · 31/08/2025 19:32

millymae · 31/08/2025 19:30

Being practical it’s useful to have as many hands as possible to do the carrying on the day, but my experience of drop off (my own and my sisters as dad was working and couldn’t change his shift) is that they are chaotic and not the time for a look around or a prolonged stay.
It may be things are more regimented nowadays and not so rushed but in your circumstances I wouldn’t be keen to forgo space in the car just so his dad can do the drop off with you. Although your son seems keen for him to be there now it may well be that he wont want either of you to hang around too long anyway once he’s actually there.
Could he perhaps arrange to meet his dad later in the week for a drink

But OP has already said that her ex can't carry much and isn't good at walking