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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
HMW19061 · 31/08/2025 20:36

When I started uni my friend/flatmate had divorced parents. On the day we moved up there my friends mum and her friend brought her up and moved her in and then her dad and his partner came up the following weekend for a day with bits she had forgotten or realised she needed. Could his dad plan a visit for the following weekend?

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:34

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:32

Just with regards to the lift and how his mother, who's done 80% of his upbringing might feel being in such proximity to a man who treated her so badly, whether that's his father or not. A bit of awareness and thought wouldn't go amiss.

I've never shared the finer details with my eldest about what a horror her father was to be married to, but she understands enough to be mindful of my feelings.

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This

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:32

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:23

Ok but what did you mean? Sorry if it seems like I'm being dense but I just found it a bit ambiguous and am quite tired!

Edited
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Just with regards to the lift and how his mother, who's done 80% of his upbringing might feel being in such proximity to a man who treated her so badly, whether that's his father or not. A bit of awareness and thought wouldn't go amiss.

I've never shared the finer details with my eldest about what a horror her father was to be married to, but she understands enough to be mindful of my feelings.

Bowies · 31/08/2025 20:26

MoveOverToTheSea · 31/08/2025 18:06

If you’ve ever done dropping off at uni, a graduation etc… you’ll know it’s VERY different.
Both in what’s going on (my dcs just wanted to settle, not spend hours with us then) and in the organisation.
Plus I’d still expect the other parent to sort out making their own way thete and back. Not expecting a lift.

Its about what the ds wants AND about what his dad can do.
The OP doesn’t have to facilitate the dad being there for him. The ex could find someone to take him there, organise a time to meet up at Uni etc… he has agency and could organise things himself wo automatically rely on the OP to make things work.

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No of course it’s very different - as is a wedding very different again.

My point was OP said she would make it work for those events seeing them as more significant - but for DS it is significant and he wants both of them to be there.

I just said about making it work in the same way as she would for those other events. I never said anything about driving her ex.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:23

stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:18

You can of course threaten not to take him if his father goes, but you would have to be prepared for him to call your bluff and organize going alone.

Well that's the very last thing I would do, @InterIgnis and I don't know what I've said to make you think that I might. Ds has said it's not up to me (fair enough) but he's also said he won't be bringing it up with his dad. I know because he has told me that he finds it far easier to say no to me than he does to his dad. Sorry if that contradicts the version of our relationship you have in your head.

I have no idea whether you would or you wouldn’t. Stating that it’s an option available to you doesn’t mean that I think it’s one you would, or indeed wouldn’t, choose.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:23

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:20

I'm not saying he has to bar his father.

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Ok but what did you mean? Sorry if it seems like I'm being dense but I just found it a bit ambiguous and am quite tired!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 31/08/2025 20:22

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

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What he's reported as having said is that he wouldn't tell his dad he can't come, which is not quite the same as not denying his dad a lift.

Son cannot actually offer a lift to the dad, since he is not the owner nor the driver of the car.

MoveOverToTheSea · 31/08/2025 20:22

Overthewaytwice · 31/08/2025 19:56

If you can put a happy face on for your son, do it. The day is about him (I'm sure it will be an emotional one for you, it's still his life event).

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. All three dropped me off at university because they all wanted to support me and I'm so grateful they were there. If my mum had even hinted that she was uncomfortable, I'd have found an excuse to keep my dad and stepmum away. I'd have told her that I didn't mind at all, but secretly, I'd have been gutted.

Same with my graduation, wedding, and now, events with my own children. The biggest gift they have given me post divorce is acting like they don't mind being in the same room together.

I think that’s very sad.

You’re expecting your mum/women to swallow very bitter pills ‘for tge sake of their dc/you’ wo one thought for how it will have felt for her.
But rather you’re insisting that she should have felt guilty first expressing the fact she wasn’t confortable about the Affair partner, sorry your stepmum to be there.
Al, tge ‘just be the bigger person, never mind you were the victim’

All that for an event that is NOT a family event, is chaos and actually do not need 3 adults there. (Can you imagine if your mum had a there too and all 4 of them wanted to be there?!?) Never mind it’s very likely that it’s the mum who did the heavy lifting to help you/any student get ready for Uni. They would ALL get a pat on the back on how helpful and supportive they’ve been. Right …..

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:20

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:16

That to me would mean he should acknowledge to the OP that he knows how difficult this is for the her and appreciates her efforts. Not telling his dad he's not welcome.

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I'm not saying he has to bar his father.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:20

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

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He hasn't said that, he said he won't say he can't come but he's fine with me not offering a lift.

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:19

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

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No, he didn’t. He said he wouldn’t tell his dad he can’t be there.

“I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine”

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:18

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

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Did he? Well luckily it's not his choice to make.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:18

You can of course threaten not to take him if his father goes, but you would have to be prepared for him to call your bluff and organize going alone.

Well that's the very last thing I would do, @InterIgnis and I don't know what I've said to make you think that I might. Ds has said it's not up to me (fair enough) but he's also said he won't be bringing it up with his dad. I know because he has told me that he finds it far easier to say no to me than he does to his dad. Sorry if that contradicts the version of our relationship you have in your head.

OP posts:
AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/08/2025 20:16

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:09

This is it. If he's a big enough boy to be going away to uni he's old to understand that other people's feelings matter too.

Show quote history

That to me would mean he should acknowledge to the OP that he knows how difficult this is for the her and appreciates her efforts. Not telling his dad he's not welcome.

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:13

Who said he did? He hasn’t even asked for one. This is OP imagining that he might.

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Son has said he wouldn’t deny his dad a lift.

the7Vabo · 31/08/2025 20:16

stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:06

I'm not comfortable with all the insistence on this thread, crystallised by @Overthewaytwice , that this day has NOTHING to do with parents AT ALL. Obviously it is a big day all round but all this, 'it's not about you,' is a bit off, imo. It is a bit about parents who live with their dc full-time when they leave home and go on to the next stage. It absolutely doesn't make manipulation or emotional blackmail ok, and the child's feelings are very important, but I think a bit of consideration for others is important too.

I think you seem very hung up with how upset you are going to be on the day. You’re sending a presumably healthy, happy young adult off to uni. Why not focus on that?

Yes, it will be a change day to day, but DS isn’t dying.

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:16

Happygolucky314 · 31/08/2025 20:14

You are not being unreasonable if anything your son is. Why’d he want to put you through a drive back home with the man that’s caused you upset and harm before. It would be totally different if you didn’t have to sit in your own car with him on the way home alone. Never mind suffer the entire journey there and back. So no you’re 100% not being unreasonable and it’s not like your child is a toddler or unable to understand the concept

This with bells on!

Happygolucky314 · 31/08/2025 20:14

You are not being unreasonable if anything your son is. Why’d he want to put you through a drive back home with the man that’s caused you upset and harm before. It would be totally different if you didn’t have to sit in your own car with him on the way home alone. Never mind suffer the entire journey there and back. So no you’re 100% not being unreasonable and it’s not like your child is a toddler or unable to understand the concept

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:13

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:09

Nobody is saying the father shouldn’t be there but he has no right to be given a lift by his ex wife.

Who said he did? He hasn’t even asked for one. This is OP imagining that he might.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 20:12

stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:06

I'm not comfortable with all the insistence on this thread, crystallised by @Overthewaytwice , that this day has NOTHING to do with parents AT ALL. Obviously it is a big day all round but all this, 'it's not about you,' is a bit off, imo. It is a bit about parents who live with their dc full-time when they leave home and go on to the next stage. It absolutely doesn't make manipulation or emotional blackmail ok, and the child's feelings are very important, but I think a bit of consideration for others is important too.

You aren’t required to feel comfortable about it in order for it to be true. Your son has told you that if wasn’t up to you. You can think it is, but you can’t insist that he considers what you want over and above what he and his father may want.

You can of course threaten not to take him if his father goes, but you would have to be prepared for him to call your bluff and organize going alone.

House4DS · 31/08/2025 20:11

@stripycats I've not read all the replies but just wanted to reply to say I get it.
Will be in a similar position.
I've often given ExH lifts to kids events, but do not want my private space between dropping off DC1 and returning home to DC2 to be invaded by ExH.
Will have to see what DC1 says in terms of ex attending drop off, but it's going to be a no to lift home and ex will claim to not understand why.

Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:09

stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:06

I'm not comfortable with all the insistence on this thread, crystallised by @Overthewaytwice , that this day has NOTHING to do with parents AT ALL. Obviously it is a big day all round but all this, 'it's not about you,' is a bit off, imo. It is a bit about parents who live with their dc full-time when they leave home and go on to the next stage. It absolutely doesn't make manipulation or emotional blackmail ok, and the child's feelings are very important, but I think a bit of consideration for others is important too.

This is it. If he's a big enough boy to be going away to uni he's old to understand that other people's feelings matter too.

greengreyblue · 31/08/2025 20:09

Nobody is saying the father shouldn’t be there but he has no right to be given a lift by his ex wife.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 20:08

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 31/08/2025 20:03

I am unsure how "He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come" really means "DS wants his dad there". DS seems to me not to give a tuppenny one whether his dad is there or not, from that and his not being concerned that his disabled dad won't be getting a lift.

If we heard the reasons the divorce happened, my bet is people would have been lining up to tell OP to LTB.

MN did hear at the time and since now and again as different issues have arisen (different usernames) and, yes, LTB was the consensus - or, to be precise don't try to stop the bastard from leaving you (me)!

OP posts:
Americano75 · 31/08/2025 20:08

Overthewaytwice · 31/08/2025 19:56

If you can put a happy face on for your son, do it. The day is about him (I'm sure it will be an emotional one for you, it's still his life event).

My dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. All three dropped me off at university because they all wanted to support me and I'm so grateful they were there. If my mum had even hinted that she was uncomfortable, I'd have found an excuse to keep my dad and stepmum away. I'd have told her that I didn't mind at all, but secretly, I'd have been gutted.

Same with my graduation, wedding, and now, events with my own children. The biggest gift they have given me post divorce is acting like they don't mind being in the same room together.

I feel quite sorry for your mum. That can't have been much fun for her.