Page 8 | To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

letsmakebiscuits · 2025-08-30T11:03:27+00:00

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out. So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work. Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something. It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:49

Dreamondreaminon · 30/08/2025 13:44

The guy literally dodges parenting at every opportunity leaving OP to do it all, and you still justifies his behaviours? You are well trained by the patriarchy, well done.

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haha

if the OP was the husband, you would have A LOT to say about the Patriarchy, and a man ALLOWING his wife to have "free time" but only to do the chores he allows her to do during that free time😂

Jollyhockeystickss · 30/08/2025 13:47

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:16

I think (ignoring the mad posts) if I wasn’t clear apologies … I thought it was clear we’d been out all day, he could have got a haircut at any point during those eight hours but he waits until we’re home.

This morning I took them out because he was doing something for charity which is really nice and I want to support that. But he’s had three hours. I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out. It’s constant and it puts me off saying yes sure because I know it won’t be for two hours or whatever it will be all day.

You are not getting this at all you are saying you will dictate the time of day he gets a haircut! Again can you imagine if a man said to a woman' no i will dictate to you what time you get your hair cut!!

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:46

I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out.

I don't know anyone who would translate that as "you MUST be back at midday too".

Normal adult conversation: I am planning to be back at midday, what are you doing then, what will we do in the afternoon?
OR I am planning to be back at midday, you will be there by then? I will be waiting for you!

Piffle11 · 30/08/2025 13:46

Cynic17 · 30/08/2025 13:38

Dear Lord, if the OP is actually serious then I have every sympathy with her husband. No adult gets to "allow" another adult free time, or tells them what to do with their time. He can do what the flip he wants! Let's hope that the poor guy doesn't feel totally pushed away by his wife.
And maybe stop being a martyr, leave the stupid cleaning (it won't matter if it gets missed for one week) pour a glass of wine and relax......
(And, yes, I am female).

Edited

The OP worded her post badly. I always try to look beyond that, because not everybody is using English as their first language.

If you read on, it’s clear that her DH is shirking his responsibilities. He’s basically letting everything fall on the OP’s shoulders. Whether that is deliberate or not, it obviously needs addressing.

i’m very surprised by these responses. The amount of times I’ve seen posts where women are utterly exhausted and doing everything, and the replies are always: what is your husband doing? Why are you doing everything? When does he have the children?

Etc.

16plusDC · 30/08/2025 13:44

He takes the piss because he’s never allowed.

Dreamondreaminon · 30/08/2025 13:44

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:42

why didn't the OP's DH prepare dinner
OP said she was making diner when he came back, so if it was such an issue, why not ask him before to make sure diner was ready because she didn't want to make it?

went to have his haircut within the 8h he was free, by himself doing nothing
because he was doing something else, and .. consequences, then he'll have to take the kids with him or have it another time?

If my husband was having a go at me because I spent my afternoon chatting with friends instead of doing my chores when he took the kids out for the day, I would go absolutely nuts.

Do you genuinely believe this wasn't to escape even more parenting.
I don't live in a world where 2 adults are needed, or even there, for dealing with the kids, so no.

the equal share of free time, childcare and housechores
then make it clear: I am taking the kids, but YOU have them tomorrow full stop. What you do not do is make a list of things you allow your partner to do during their free time 🙄and throw a tantrum if instead of doing the laundry, they decide to have their nails done.

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The guy literally dodges parenting at every opportunity leaving OP to do it all, and you still justifies his behaviours? You are well trained by the patriarchy, well done.

HerecomesMargo · 30/08/2025 13:43

I’m somewhat like him, in that if I was given free time then I’m going what I want to do and all admin is for another time. But if he’s had 8 hours then he’s just taking the piss.

Jollyhockeystickss · 30/08/2025 13:43

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:11

That he isn’t. It’s in the OP. He doesn’t do them when we’re out, he does them or wants to do them when we come back.

It is as if once we’re gone he thinks his time is just his if you see what I mean and that he can come and go as he pleases. The annoying thing is that if I don’t take the children out alone he’s fine.

He thinks he can come and go as he pleases!! If this was a man who had posted saying how dare she think she can come and go as she pleases!

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:42

Dreamondreaminon · 30/08/2025 13:36

OK, as you keep on avoiding the topic (the real topic isn't how parents do the chores with or without kids in the room, but the equal share of free time, childcare and housechores), why didn't the OP's DH prepare dinner, or went to have his haircut within the 8h he was free, by himself doing nothing?! In your eyes, explain honestly why that had to ve done the second the OP came back with the kids? Do you genuinely believe this wasn't to escape even more parenting. Are you seriously that gullible?!

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why didn't the OP's DH prepare dinner
OP said she was making diner when he came back, so if it was such an issue, why not ask him before to make sure diner was ready because she didn't want to make it?

went to have his haircut within the 8h he was free, by himself doing nothing
because he was doing something else, and .. consequences, then he'll have to take the kids with him or have it another time?

If my husband was having a go at me because I spent my afternoon chatting with friends instead of doing my chores when he took the kids out for the day, I would go absolutely nuts.

Do you genuinely believe this wasn't to escape even more parenting.
I don't live in a world where 2 adults are needed, or even there, for dealing with the kids, so no.

the equal share of free time, childcare and housechores
then make it clear: I am taking the kids, but YOU have them tomorrow full stop. What you do not do is make a list of things you allow your partner to do during their free time 🙄and throw a tantrum if instead of doing the laundry, they decide to have their nails done.

anotherside · 30/08/2025 13:42

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:37

Sure but communication is a two way thing. Can you be back by midday is clear, isn’t it, that’s not me being ambiguous or vague or anything like that. But if the other partner ignores it and just goes and does what they want to do then what do you do? Rhetorical question by the way.

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I just think you going off doing spur of the moment random activities all the time (with or without kids) that aren’t preagreed / pre-scheduled sounds like a massive headache. If you want to do random activities the next week, agree it in advance, so that then the other person can agree to have their personal free time at a set future date. Your approach sounds exhausting. If you ARE agreeing stuff in advance (as opposed to moment/morning of) and he’s still frequently not sticking to it then you have a bigger problem, as he clearly doesn’t respect you or your time.

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 13:41

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:38

So the marriage is presumably fundamentally a bit shit and this is just one issues

Having two young children is incredibly hard work. It is still a new experience (effectively having two toddlers now). It takes time to figure this out as a couple. It does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship or you.

Some people will find these things easier than others, but they will find different challenges harder. People and couples are all different.

Jollyhockeystickss · 30/08/2025 13:40

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:07

No. Why would it be a reverse <baffled> - is it really unreasonable to say if you want to get a haircut do it in the eight hours I was out of the house with the kids rather than disappearing as soon as we come back? That’s controlling and narcissistic? 😂

Hes an adult he doesnt need permission to get a haircut! You are controlling tho you clearly feel you are not, probably wants to look nice for someone at the gym or at work who isnt controlling his every move

Piffle11 · 30/08/2025 13:40

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:36

because some of us would just leave the kids to him the following day and get on with things.

And/ or would have agreed in advance about time, or specifics when we NEED the other one there. I don't know, things are just done so much more naturally and easily in real life, maybe people talk?

I don't know, my husband is home and making diner, that's the time I would have said "i am popping out to see friend/ neighbour, or I am popping out to the shop because I forgot something, I am going to the gym", I don't know - use the fact that an adult is there and in charge and make use of that free time?

I don't think it ever occurred to me to even stay, diner was being made, he was here that evening, meaning free time for me?

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The fact that the OP asked her DH to be home by midday today, and is still is not back speaks volumes about his commitment to his family.

And that’s asked: not demanded.

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:39

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:37

Sure but communication is a two way thing. Can you be back by midday is clear, isn’t it, that’s not me being ambiguous or vague or anything like that. But if the other partner ignores it and just goes and does what they want to do then what do you do? Rhetorical question by the way.

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I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out.

you didn’t ask him to be back by midday

Debinaround · 30/08/2025 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are talking absolute shite.

Original poster

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:38

There are at least two posters on here being deliberately both provocative and spiteful and are best ignored.

OP posts:

Cynic17 · 30/08/2025 13:38

Dear Lord, if the OP is actually serious then I have every sympathy with her husband. No adult gets to "allow" another adult free time, or tells them what to do with their time. He can do what the flip he wants! Let's hope that the poor guy doesn't feel totally pushed away by his wife.
And maybe stop being a martyr, leave the stupid cleaning (it won't matter if it gets missed for one week) pour a glass of wine and relax......
(And, yes, I am female).

roundtable · 30/08/2025 13:38

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:35

I guess really what I mean is next time there’s a birthday party or an event I could take the children to alone I’ll ask him to come as well. Because when he has some space and time he just wants more. Maybe that makes no sense; I don’t care. But like now, I said we’d be back by midday and I had a feeling when he wasn’t here then he’d be out for hours and he is.

It is a bit upsetting because it feels like you don’t matter. And some of these posts are a bit upsetting but I’ve already said that and they carry on so I’m guessing some posters are rather enjoying that.

Does he never take the dc to an event or birthday party? Because if that's the case, I think it's time to start splitting this up between the two of you. One parent does not need to do it all.

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:38

So the marriage is presumably fundamentally a bit shit and this is just one issues

Piffle11 · 30/08/2025 13:38

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/08/2025 13:32

'Not ALLOW him any freedom!?'

Sorry OP but if I was him I'd open the door, start running and keep ON running as far away from you as possible!!
YABVVU 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Badly worded, I agree.

But I think actually reading and understanding the post, the OP definitely has a point.

By the sound of it, I doubt her DH could be arsed to open the door and start running.

WickWood · 30/08/2025 13:38

I think some people are missing the point. Of course she could (and does) do the cleaning, cooking etc while the children are around, but why should she have to all the time when she's in (what should be) an equal partnership?

My partner works away so I clean/cook with my baby round because I have no choice and because i can do it, of course. When my partner is home I shouldn't have to do that (he does all the cooking anyway) so i dont?

NewGirlInTown · 30/08/2025 13:38

This relationship sounds like hell on Earth. The time control would drive me insane. It doesn’t sound like a family, it sounds like time and motion clipboard inspection!
Is this what you both signed up for when you decided to have children?

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 13:37

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:35

I guess really what I mean is next time there’s a birthday party or an event I could take the children to alone I’ll ask him to come as well. Because when he has some space and time he just wants more. Maybe that makes no sense; I don’t care. But like now, I said we’d be back by midday and I had a feeling when he wasn’t here then he’d be out for hours and he is.

It is a bit upsetting because it feels like you don’t matter. And some of these posts are a bit upsetting but I’ve already said that and they carry on so I’m guessing some posters are rather enjoying that.

Have you told him how you’re feeling? I think you should tell him that last part.

“when x, I feel y. What would help would be z”

Original poster

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:37

anotherside · 30/08/2025 13:35

I’m mystified how many partners can’t communicate with one another: “you have X hours free so I have X hours free. You have this day at this time each week, I have this day at this time each week”. Done.

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Sure but communication is a two way thing. Can you be back by midday is clear, isn’t it, that’s not me being ambiguous or vague or anything like that. But if the other partner ignores it and just goes and does what they want to do then what do you do? Rhetorical question by the way.

OP posts:

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:36

Piffle11 · 30/08/2025 13:30

I don’t think this is a case of needing two parents to look after the children. I think this is a case of DH ignoring his responsibilities.

he was on his own for 7 1/2 hours. Why couldn’t he have had a haircut in that time? He waited until the Op got back home, when she is going to have to start thinking about making dinner, and he decides then to pop out, Leaving her in charge of the children yet again.

I mystified how so many women think this is ok.

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because some of us would just leave the kids to him the following day and get on with things.

And/ or would have agreed in advance about time, or specifics when we NEED the other one there. I don't know, things are just done so much more naturally and easily in real life, maybe people talk?

I don't know, my husband is home and making diner, that's the time I would have said "i am popping out to see friend/ neighbour, or I am popping out to the shop because I forgot something, I am going to the gym", I don't know - use the fact that an adult is there and in charge and make use of that free time?

I don't think it ever occurred to me to even stay, diner was being made, he was here that evening, meaning free time for me?