To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

OP' phraseology was unfortunate and has been a real distraction. But I see exactly what she means.

Her husband sends to consider all family/child related matters as (a) her responsibility and (b) and utterly bore and something he will find any excuse to avoid. While she takes the kids out he chills at home. When she comes back with the kids he suddenly has to be elsewhere doing his own thing.

HE is the controlling one because it seems he's always pleasing himself and leaving OP in charge of their joint kids. Posters saying OP is dictating when he can go for a hair cut are barking up the wrong tree. It's OP who never has the chance to nip out for an impromptu hair cut!

Your posts are getting on my nerves. OP has explained what the problem is.

it doesn’t sound like she is getting any free time at all.

and learn how to spell dinner

Oh behave.

He does no chores by the sound of it. And having his own haircut done isn't a chore. You make him sound like a victim 🙄

You are controlling and it won’t end well.

apologies, I have to confess I read the posts, I rarely read the posters name, totally my fault.

I believe a day at home is a day wasted frankly but there are no lack of posters on here who keep banging on about the need for kids to stay at home doing nothing, learn to be bored, potter around and so on, and that no one needs to go out every day or go to daily clubs even from birth. I couldn't disagree more,

but

why is it ok for these women to have this opinion, but when it's the dad, it's "lazy parenting" and avoiding his responsibilities?

The issue is that he thinks the kids are your responsibility.

This feels like largely a communication issue to me - if you say to him at the start of the day ‘I’ll take the children for x hours - please can you use that time do get things done as well as chill - becuase I’m going to be exhausted when we get in and need some childfree down time’ then I think you can be legitimately annoyed.

if you’re taking the children out for hours and then have expectations of reciprocal time out without discussing it with him then it’s much less black and white.

are you martyring yourself silently in the hope that he’ll see your work and match it?

or are you emphatically and clearly communicating your needs and feeling aggrieved that he’s ignoring you?

Actually, that wasn’t me.

you are the one who has to bring the Patriarchy in here, not me

I haven't rtft but I've read all your responses OP. I actually understand where you're coming from. People are picking up on the language you used but when people are frustrated they sometimes use stronger wording than intended which I think is the case here. I wonder if the issue is maybe you feel he isn't considerate of your time? In the scenario of you having the children solo all morning while he was free, then waits for you to come back to then go out to get a haircut that means you spend more time solo parenting I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed. He doesn't give your time the same consideration you would give to him.

I didn’t read it like that (especially with the subsequent posts). She doesn’t mean he has to spend the time doing chores, but if he has jobs he needs to accomplish without kids being there, it’s not unreasonable to expect that he gets those done during the entire working day he’s just had child-free. Not sit on his arse for 8 hours, doing nothing, then insisting he needs even more child free time to do something productive. The equivalent would be OP lazing around and then when he gets back with the kids, deciding she needs him to make dinner and continue solo parenting while she goes to the hairdresser or the pub for another couple of hours.

Why are you fixating on the wording rather than the problem?

The post is badly worded. OP is saying her DH waits until she and the kids get back and then goes for a hair cut or whatever. Her argument is that he should do this whilst she is out with the kids.

I don't think anyone ever wins by trying to score points against their partner, especially with young kids.

Be clearer, tell him (don't assume he will guess what you have in mind) when you want him to be sole parent or when you want to do family things,
and when you need YOUR free time

and neither of you get to tell the other one what chore they are allowed to do during the free time.

Also accept that you want the kids to be taken to parties and activities (which I would do to frankly), but the other might just keep the kids at home and do chores with them. I am not being sarcastic, you do laundry, cooking, cleaning and everything with the kids - why can't the other one tidy up or clean the car if the kids are safe? Playpen, hold hand, even a 1 year old can spend 20 mn digging in the garden and playing with toys IN FRONT OF YOU while you do something else.

This in spades.

Jeez what a weird pile on! YANBU at all op. I think you need to be less available with the kids and he needs to do more of the parties and the soft play. It sounds like the default parenting is you and I’m afraid it’s up to you to ensure that he takes the reins at weekends more, and you need to let him.

And if a woman had said, I’m so exhausted, I was out today for 7 1/2 hours with the children and as soon as I got back, DH decided to pop out to do his own thing. He does this a lot.

What do you think the responses would be? They certainly wouldn’t be supporting the DH.

My ex was like this. He never considered me when making his plans, even if we discussed in advance what we both wanted/needed in terms of time; he’d “forget” arrangements which meant he was parenting while I did something for myself, and he’d “forget” that we’d arranged to do something as a family after I had finished my marking or whatever job I had to do child-free. If something came up that he wanted to do he would do it, often getting his mum to have our dc until I got back from work and then finding I was on solo again because he was out with someone else.

It’s incredibly hurtful because it signals complete lack of interest or even basic respect. Even if he knew I had made a plan and had agreed it with him, he would just disregard that if something came up that he preferred. And I would discover this after the fact. He’d always apologise later, but it counted for nothing because he never changed, and I always missed out on whatever it was I had wanted to do.

so, use actual words with him.

"I'm taking the DC out. if you need to get anything done like a haircut, get it done before we get back"

if you speak to him the way you wrote your first post it is no wonder he's confused.

And then when you do get back with the dc, hand them over and go out and do something you want to do. Nails, hair done, just sit in the park and watch the world go by. Until he gets the message.

I don’t think you are getting it… The OP said she feels like she doesn’t want to allow him to have free time – badly worded, I agree – because when he does have free time, he does absolutely nothing with it, and then as soon as she gets home and could do with a break herself, he decides to pop out then.

she’s not dictating when he can get a haircut per se, she is questioning why he decided to do FA in the 7 1/2 hours he had free, and then go out as soon as she got back.

Exactly