To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

That’s quite an assumption considering you know nothing about the OP.

I think you're also confusing me with someone else. Because I haven't said anything nasty. Maybe it was the person I replied to?

I think you are confusing me with someone else.

The first thing I said to you was ‘nasty’.

That was in response to your response to another poster.

OP, notwithstanding the lack of clarity in your first post, I get it.

In our case, it's because DH can be quite disorganised and has very little forward planning ability. So this sort of thing would happen with us a lot when the kids were little too. I'd take them off somewhere and he'd stay home to say, sort out the garden. In my head, that was a max 3 hour job and I' dbe gone for 6 hours. So in the additional three hours, it seemed obvious to me that if he had any other major chores to do, he'd do them so that when I got home after 6 hours, probably knackered, he'd take over. except I'd get home, the garden would be at best half done and he'd be convinced he now had to go do something like get the car cleaned.

Luckily, my DH is not a dick. So over time, we had a lot of chats about this. Part of it was being more prescriptive, both of us, in planning and expectations. So if I took DC out for 6 hours, we would be agreeing in advance what needed to be done and that when I got home he'd be doing x or y.

But it did annoy me.

Now we're in a slightly different place where because he still can't do that planning, he'll ring me and almost ask permission to stay at the gym for a sauna, for example. Drives me mad but in a different way Makes me feel like his mum PLUS the kids are older - I don't need quit the same level of respite from the endlessness of it!

When did Mumsnet become such an utter fucking cesspit?

@letsmakebiscuits ok - so kindly I think your wording is problematic “allow” is not a word I would ever use for my husband. My kids sure - another adult no.

I get the frustration but I think what you guys need is better communication and addressing the balance of power in your relationship

This all day long.

I haven’t posted about my loss. Was your post meant for me? I didn’t quote you in my post and know nothing about your business

I think in a relationship without children what you're saying is fair, and perhaps the language the op is using isn't right. But it's not on for the op to have the kids all day, get in the door and rightfully want a break and for her husband to say he's off out to do xyz. That isn't equitable or fair! I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. It's perfectly reasonable to expect turn taking when young children are involved. Even if the husband was doing chores, he was doing it in peace and quiet. A luxury most mothers don't have.

Why have I been nasty?

and calling somebody a weak judgemental cow IS nasty.

I wasn't offensive though. You're exceptionally 'nasty'.

I don’t have to prove anything. Being a recent widow isn’t a get out of jail free pass for being offensive.

Yep. Sure. Is it my grief that offends? Being a recent widow doesnt prevent one from opinions. What was nasty? I think you might be making stuff up. But prove me wrong.

Nasty.

Haven't read the full thread but it's usually very simple;

men will find spectacular ways to get out of "looking after" their own kids. They don't feel any guilt about it because they never really considered it their job in the first place.

it's the same reason so many friends husbands have suddenly discovered golf, cycling, squash...always after their children are born. Funny that.

Beautifully put 👏👏👏

Your OP was really unclear.

Based on your clarifications your husband is well and truly in the wrong (and I would be annoyed too.)

Ok.

I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time on this post; you were reaching out for support and understanding and whilst many posters are offering that, it’s being diluted by a lot of judgment. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I don’t think this is about being controlling at all — it’s about fairness. You’re already giving him really generous stretches of time to himself, and it’s only natural you’d feel frustrated when he then extends that even further instead of sticking to what was agreed.

What you’re describing isn’t you begrudging him time, it’s the imbalance that comes from you carrying the kids solo for hours, then him popping up with “just one more thing” when you’ve expected the handover. Anyone would find that wearing, especially with little ones who are so full-on at this age.

It sounds like the core issue is boundaries and respect for your time, not whether he “deserves” free time. You’re not wrong to want clearer limits so you don’t always become the default parent.

One thing that might help is setting clearer boundaries around timings. For example, if you say “I’ll be back at 12 so can you be back by then so we can swap over until 4pm ‘ then it’s on him to be finished by 12 so you can swap over. Or if he wants to fit in extra errands, you could suggest he does them within the time you’ve already given, rather than adding more on at the end. Agreeing this beforehand can be helpful.

It might also help to agree in advance how much solo time each of you gets across the week, so it feels balanced rather than you always being the default parent. Sometimes just putting it into a routine stops it feeling like you’re forever negotiating.

She is not controlling. He’s a selfish husband.

Okay, ignore the wording in the OP, which wasn’t the best…

Reading between the lines, I think OP is basically saying, why should I help facilitate DH having free time when he basically takes the piss?

She had the children out of the house for 7 1/2 hours. DH had all of that time to himself. She gets home, probably tired, and not only did she have to start making dinner, DH left the house to get a hair cut. A haircut that presumably he could have had done during the 7 1/2 hours he had to himself. A PP said, a haircut will only take 15 minutes… But unless the Hairdresser lives next door to you, there is going to be travel time. Our family Hairdresser is less than 20 minutes drive away, but if there is a delay – and they usually is – that’s at least an hour out of the house. So at this point, the OP has had to look after the DC on her own for the best part of nine hours. How is that fair?

Why is asking your DH to step up and do his share controlling?

Show up as a pair around what needs to be done over the weekend and what free time you each have. Divide and conquer in the chores and activities and then figure out that you have x hours of free time between you. Hopefully you’d want to do something together and then he and you each have y hours for whatever. his haircut is part of his time btw, not a household chore ;)

I agree that your language isn’t doing you any favours on this thread but I think you’re absolutely NBU to try and get balance in the chores and free time in your household!