To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

Honestly not sure which side you’re coming from. Kindly.

I remember how the ex would deliberately engineer things so that I never had the luxury of being in the house by myself without a huge list of things to do or somebody wanting something from me. He said I wasn't allowed to do that and if I were to be alone, I had to account for my time being used productively - if I hadn't completed unspecified tasks to his satisfaction, I'd get grief that I was being lazy. At the same time, if I did anything outside of the house, I'd get grief that I wasn't in doing these same unspecified duties - he genuinely used the phrase 'off gallivanting around' without a trace of irony.

I still remember how intense the feeling was when I first had time in the house alone without a mystery list of tasks to complete. I stared at practically every ceiling in the place, out of every window and vaguely in the direction of the TV for hours.

Presumably because she thought it would give him time to do what he needs to do, as well as a little space. And in the world of normal, she'd get a little space too, and them they could do something as a family another time.

Some of these posts are astonishing! Of course OP is not being unreasonable.
And wtf is taking them to watch their father have a haircut then waiting for him in the gym all about?!

Team @letsmakebiscuits here. The DH is a chancer and need to give his children's mother a break.

Why would you take your children out for a whole day without him, assuming it was a weekend? I would want my children to spend that time as a family with their father - ok a birthday party but I wouldn't then have gone on somewhere after

B&Q and a quick visit to the PO, fine. Expecting them to be entertained in a gym for an hour or so, and then sitting still while their DH gets a haircut… Why the hell should they? This is not entertainment for kids. The DH in this case could have quite easily have had his haircut in the 7 1/2 hours that the op was out of the house with the kids. He chose not to. He did whatever he wanted during the day, and then decided to go and have his haircut when she got back. Expecting her to make the dinner as well.

put the gym aside (and many of them have creches, which is how some of us do go to the gym) not everything is "entertainment" because we all have stuff to get done, so most of us do take the kids along.

It's more an outing when you are 1 and 4 that when you are 12 , it's much easier to take them with you when they're young and curious about everything.

The fake naivety and outrage on here is ridiculous, as if it's unheard of a child going with a parent to BnQ or the post office 😂

Suddenly on MN children only go to carefully curated activities with one parent when the other one hides all the chores from them. Yes, right, it totally happens in real life.

OP, you have been entirely clear, certainly in your subsequent posts. Certain posters are acting like complete gobshites; gleefully deploying faux-psychological terms to ejaculate spite and malice in your general direction. Ignore the poor gombeens.

Your frustration is understandable. Your resentment is justified. Your husband is indulging in large chunks of free time that he isn't reciprocally making available to you. His alone time is free time to enjoy as he wishes. His tasks/chores do not impinge on that time - they are completed while you do childcare and/or your own tasks. When do you get free-free time? It's piss-taking and it's unfair.

I don't know how you might address it. Talk to him. Try to make him see the unfairness? Unfortunately, his actions are suggestive of an entitlement and lack of consideration for you that do not bode well.

if your children are entertained by sitting in the foyer of a gym for an hour, then watching their father having a haircut, then being dragged to B&Q and the post office… Fair play.

Most wouldn’t be.

Who wants to hang around at the barbers and gym foyer though? Boring as fuck and the children would need to be entertained for the whole time!

Then I think I would suggest that we all have an outing together. We can watch him having his haircut, sit in the foyer of the gym and enjoy ourselves at B&Q and the PO.

My DH does the same thing and it drives me mad! We're going to counselling now because I've become so resentful of how little respect he has for my time.

In a way, being a parent means that your freedom is somewhat restricted. As joint parents, how is it fair that he gets to have hours alone doing fuck all AND a haircut when she gets no alone time at all that day? That's not trying to stop him getting his haircut, it's about expecting him to respect that she has completely taken the parenting responsibility for most of the day and not take the piss by expecting even more. If it happens on a regular basis he is basically indicating that he considers that his time is more important than her time and, well, fuck that!

I totally get it. He should be getting them things done in all that free time while your out with the kids and then take them off your hands when you get back or co parent with you. He is lucky he is getting so much time to himself and should be grateful and offering you some time aswell not trying to take more time. If anyone is controlling it's him.

You are correct. Remember that there are basement dwelling teen boys and young men that come on here just to tell women that every single thing you do is wrong.

It's just so utterly silly to diagnose narcissism from a single post, but I've noticed a poster doing it in one line regularly and I think it's likely the same person using multiple accounts to kick women down.

Clearly you are not unreasonable to expect a man with the responsibility of two young kids to use his time effectively and wisely. Like so many men though, he chooses to behave as though you are the default parent.

You do need to even the situation up before resentment erodes any love you have.

Tell him simply, I will not discuss the minutae but for every minute you take for yourself, I am taking the same. Be it haircuts, charity work, or just slobbing on the sofa whilst everyone else was out.

It will give him a truer picture of what you do and also give you a better sense if freedom.

Not if he’s planning on going to the gym and get his haircut first, and then going straight on to the post office and B&Q …

Could the children not have gone with him to B and Q and the post office. That is how I entertain mine.

Op, your post was perfectly clear, I understood from your 1st post what the point was. Don't know whether some are being deliberately obtuse or just want an argument or to misuse that fuckin word narcissist 🙄
Have an original thought people, its lazy.

Anyway your dh is a chancer, I hope you take time to yourself. He can take them to next birthday/play date and you take yourself to a wee spa day.

Yeah I don’t understand why people are ignoring the elephant in the room, which is that women disproportionately and consistently do more childcare and housework than men. Unless op’s relationship completely bucks the trend (and it doesn’t sound like it does, based on her posts!) then she’s literally just saying to him: please don’t take the piss with child free time. He could only go get a haircut at 5pm because he wasn’t thinking, hmm I wonder who will feed and bathe my children?? Like obviously it’s fine from time to time to each get free time but it doesn’t sound like the OP is getting that time. I wonder if some of the nastier posters are from women who don’t have small children or are forgetting how bloody hard it is.

If you don't like him, break up with him. Be with other people. Or not.

You selected this pathway. If its not a pathway you enjoy now, just leave.

It will be fine.

There's a myth that women get 50% of everything. We don't.

If its better to be away from this horrible situation, go.

Money is the least of youd worries.

always

when it's the father, they're always wrong,
women must always be the victim

and I disagree there's a problem, so there, be irritated if you can't stand people having different opinions, but that's forum might not be the place for you 😂

Thank you for correcting my spelling, hope you feel better for it 😂

This, all day long.

I’m not sure why some of the other responses are so nasty OP. I didn’t have any trouble comprehending your post. You have two young children, and expect their Dad to… well… occasionally parent them(!) - rather than disappear the moment you walk in, after already having had 8-9 hours of child-free time. It’s not rocket science, and it’s absolutely not unreasonable. I would not be pleased if my DH did this.

You need a serious chat with him about you doing nearly all of the childcare. Beyond this being unfair, it means his quality time with the children is being reduced to basically nothing by the sounds of things. In the example you use, with children that age, it sounds like they’d be more or less ready for bedtime by the time he slopes back home. If he works during the week then what does that leave, after he’s spent Sunday cleaning his garage and walking the dog?? Try reframing it that way if he doesn’t care about running you ragged!

What do you mean?

OP I get what you're trying to say. My DH is generally great but also seems to just waste his downtime and then leave chores to inconvenient times which then eats into my own downtime.

It's really frustrating to come back to a tip when you know they could've had a quick whizz round (so easy without kids under your feet) and STILL had time to scratch their nuts and doomscroll for a few hours.

I think you should take it in turns to take the children to events/parties so you get some time to yourself. Think about other ways you can structure your life to have a more equal distribution of downtime and tasks.

You say "no adult gets to allow another adult free time", but that's exactly what's happening. The husband's free time automatically removes the op's, because childcare isn't optional. His freedom only exists because hers is taken away.

Then you tell her how she should spend her time ("leave the cleaning, pour a glass of wine"). So in the same breath, you argue no one should dictate another adult's time while dictating hers.

Get away with your nonsense.