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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

342 replies

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:03

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

OP posts:
NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:09

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:58

So -

‘AIBU? My wife came home after taking the children out all day. As soon as she came back, she started to make dinner and I started gathering my keys, wallet and phone. I explained to her I needed to get my hair cut. She asked me why I didn’t get it done when she’d been out all day and couldn’t it wait until tomorrow as the children were tired and hungry and hard work. I explained to her it was imperative that I had it cut right then and there because tomorrow I needed to sort the garage out, cut the grass and walk the dog. She got short with me and said she didn’t feel I was being fair.’

You really think I am the unreasonable one there? 😂

Show quote history

wife making diner: kids are at home and obviously a complete non-issue if husband goes to have haircut. You don't need 2 adults to make diner, surely?
the children were tired and hungry and hard work. well she's already making diner that evening, so problem solved anyway.

tomorrow I needed to sort the garage out, cut the grass and walk the dog.
great, you'll have te kids with you for that, I am off to the gym, my turn. Be careful with their eyes when you cut the grass, small stones flying can be dangerous for little people.

No need for the dramatics.

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:07

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:06

I give up 😂 I tell you what, I’ll get AI to write any future MN posts. I’ll carry on with the housework while DS watches TV and DH … well, god knows what DH is doing!

Oh boo hoo
fgs op you come across as controlling, bossy, martyrish and defensive all in a very short thread!

Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:06

I give up 😂 I tell you what, I’ll get AI to write any future MN posts. I’ll carry on with the housework while DS watches TV and DH … well, god knows what DH is doing!

OP posts:
JustPassingThruHere · 30/08/2025 13:05

This sounds like how MIL treats my FIL and then tries to rally support for her weird and abusive behaviour. It's awkward 😳

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:05

You’ve just said you won’t be “taking them out” if dh says he needs to do something

so let’s say you want to go out? Or the children do? Or you’re invited somewhere?

you will say “nope”?

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:04

Auroraloves · 30/08/2025 12:32

Are you trained in identifying piss taking husbands?

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but it's not normal language or behaviour is it?

Normal (healthy) relationship: it's your turn with the kids, you have them, you are a parent too. If you chose not to go to the gym when I took them out of your hair, your problem.

OP: I am allowing him freedom, I am letting him do things.

that's just weird way of seeing things, and yes, abusive.

If our husband was telling us: "I am allowing you freedom" most of us would tell him to fuck off, and that controlling husband brings freedom of divorce so to think very carefully about that attitude.

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:04

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:03

I know controlling people don’t tend to say sure, I’ll take the kids to the farm for the morning while you do your event. We’ll come back around midday.

It is now one o clock and no sign of DH!

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oh yes, right, you are definitely not controlling. Definitely.

Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:04

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:03

Goodness, one for hyperbole aren’t you

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Seriously, why are some people being so bitchy to me? I don’t think having an unclear post is that bad. It’s quite upsetting to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:03

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:01

To be fair, you’re probably not the most objective person on whether or not you’re controlling

Show quote history

I know controlling people don’t tend to say sure, I’ll take the kids to the farm for the morning while you do your event. We’ll come back around midday.

It is now one o clock and no sign of DH!

OP posts:
Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:03

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:02

I think we’ve established my initial
post could have been clearer. I’ve apologised and I can’t do much more 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes it’s difficult when you’re multi tasking (and a bit annoyed!) to have standards akin to a Roman orator.

Goodness, one for hyperbole aren’t you

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:02

I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

even if you and / or the kids want to go out?

Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:02

I think we’ve established my initial
post could have been clearer. I’ve apologised and I can’t do much more 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes it’s difficult when you’re multi tasking (and a bit annoyed!) to have standards akin to a Roman orator.

OP posts:
Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:01

letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:00

I’ve tried to discuss it with him so many times and you never get very far as he just focuses on the minutiae of a situation than the overall sort of picture. So I don’t really bother bringing it up any more. That’s why I’m sort of thinking of just stopping giving him any space with the kids (and before I get accused of being controlling, I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

To be fair, you’re probably not the most objective person on whether or not you’re controlling

Laxonaweekend · 30/08/2025 13:01

Op let me guess, this issue aside, the relationship is a bit… shit?

Bearhunt468 · 30/08/2025 13:01

I don't think your being unreasonable. But your title and initial post does sound more controlling with it. I think you need to maybe communicate more. It is frustrating but I have to be quite explicit with my husband. So if I'm taking the kids out for a few hours I will say when I get back I will be handing the kids over to you as I need to do x, y, z (usually household chores tbh) so he knows he should get anything he wants done in that time too that he is child free e.g hair cuts or down time etc.

Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 13:00

I’ve tried to discuss it with him so many times and you never get very far as he just focuses on the minutiae of a situation than the overall sort of picture. So I don’t really bother bringing it up any more. That’s why I’m sort of thinking of just stopping giving him any space with the kids (and before I get accused of being controlling, I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

OP posts:
Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:58

Ducksbehindthesofa · 30/08/2025 12:45

Putting aside the equal parenting/child-free time aspect (albeit I agree there's a valid point amongst the confusing original post), I would like to see what the reaction on here would be if this post came from MRletsmakebiscuits, or Mr anyone else, for that matter.

Can you imagine the death stares if a man posted on here using the terms 'to not allow DW any freedom' or 'she should use the time I give her'.

Madness!

So -

‘AIBU? My wife came home after taking the children out all day. As soon as she came back, she started to make dinner and I started gathering my keys, wallet and phone. I explained to her I needed to get my hair cut. She asked me why I didn’t get it done when she’d been out all day and couldn’t it wait until tomorrow as the children were tired and hungry and hard work. I explained to her it was imperative that I had it cut right then and there because tomorrow I needed to sort the garage out, cut the grass and walk the dog. She got short with me and said she didn’t feel I was being fair.’

You really think I am the unreasonable one there? 😂

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 30/08/2025 12:57

** Your OP was confusing-maybe you need to communicate clearer with him as well as on here

If you say, 'when I go out with the kids to give you a chance to get stuff done, you seem to fuck about and then want to go and start doing the jobs the minute we get in, so I'm left looking after the kids for even longer. It's constant and it puts me off saying yes to stuff because you're taking the piss and I know it won't be for two hours, it will be all day'...what does he say?

Or have you not actually said this?

Geranium879 · 30/08/2025 12:56

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 12:27

Neither of you are wrong.

Yes, he should parent equally

but WHO uses the words "allowing freedom"?

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I think it was just a poor choice of words in the Ops original post. As someone with two small children I completely relate to what Op is saying. She is not being unreasonable at all!

Op - I think you need to clearly stipulate start and end times for each of your “you time”. So he can’t sneakily continue to rob you of yours / inflate his own.

Climbingrosexx · 30/08/2025 12:55

I thought you were going to say he would go on an all day bender or disappear for the weekend. I don't understand the post/issue if I'm honest

ThinWomansBrain · 30/08/2025 12:55

you make it sound more like a prison sentence than a marriage.

Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:55

The posts calling me narcissistic are ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsmakebiscuits · 30/08/2025 12:54

I think the point is (and I have apologised for not being clear but I was getting two children lunch alone, just like I have all week!) that DH has ‘freedom’ if you like. It isn’t controlling to point out you can’t just zoom off and do what needs doing whenever you like when you have very young children. I needed to clean the house; I still do. I’ve done some of it when my one year old is napping and my four year old watches TV. DH though gets so much more flexibility. It’s frustrating because it means I have to do ‘my’ tasks when I can, around the kids, he doesn’t.

They are a lot of work so I do try to give DH a bit of space sometimes but it just gets taken the piss with and it’s that which is annoying.

OP posts:
Daughterofthesea · 30/08/2025 12:54

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Soupfortea · 30/08/2025 12:51

He's skiving for sure, either do the same, (if he doesn't get the message when you tell him) . ie, there's some urgent groceries you've forgot suddenly, or accept that looking after kids is fucking boring grunt work, (which is why he doesn't want to to do it)
and get on with it.