To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

I know that I would prefer going to the playground at the weekend with my two kids rather than going to the barbers for a haircut

each to their own and all that

Selfish Dad, doormat Mum. It really isn’t hard to calculate how much free time each person has to themselves each week and then make it equal. If they’re not willing to do that fairly, then you may as well just divorce, as you’re just an unpaid carer/domestic help.

Exactly this! Show me when the OP gets 8h straight by herself to do fuck all (no house chores, no planning, no cooking, fuck all!) then gets out the house as soon as her DH comes back home with kids after doing 8h of solo parenting. Some posters on here are wild!

How should it be worded then? 🙄 how on earth is “giving” someone “time to do something” negative ffs?

Let me know how you get a 1 year old and a 4 year old to "Potter around" safely while the adults go about their house chores 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣As if they didn't need constant, arm-length supervision.

The way I do things with my partner is we both get exactly the same amount of kid free time. If we want to get a haircut once every couple of months (or eyelashes, nails or whatever) then that comes out of the kid free leisure time (takes 1 hour every other month so hardly a big deal).

However any stuff like bills, work, domestic chores, looking after pets, organising work stuff, etc doesn’t count.

Do you get the same amount of kid free time as your partner to relax/pursue your own interests? That’s the only question that’s important.

Isn’t this why a lot of men get away with doing less parenting?

It’s a lovely day: kids would like to go to the park. Mum says, let’s all go to the park… DH says, I can’t. I want to get my haircut. Mum says, couldn’t you’ve got your haircut yesterday when I was out with the kids for five hours? Dad says, no I was watching the football…

Some parents – nearly always the mother – end up doing more childcare because they don’t want their children to miss out. They put their kids first, many fathers put themselves first.

Exactly

the op thought we would all be “Hell yes sister you’re right and he’s wrong”. When we weren’t… well, that didn’t go down well

Can you not agree that one day(or several hours) it’s his time to do whatever he wants. Then you agree another day(several hours) when it’s your kids free time to do what you like. Not cleaning, cooking or working etc but something just for you? I feel like he has so much free time for himself than you. You also could try his tactics? He takes the kids for several hours and you plan your manicure or spa appointment and once he’s back, get your bag, phone and keys and leave the house 🤣

No. She really doesn’t

No she isn't!! Why cant a grown man use his childfree time properly?? IE get a child free time haircut.

Have you see what she’s suggesting she will now do? To me, that speaks volumes

This is what people mean by a little bit of knowledge being dangerous. You’ve picked up some buzzwords about controlling language, but you’ve applied them out of context and ended up making unfair and inaccurate accusations.

On parenting forums, phrases like “let/allow/give time” are often used as shorthand for splitting childcare. They don’t prove control. The OP actually gives her husband long, generous stretches of free time. That’s the opposite of restricting freedom. Wanting him back at the agreed time isn’t control; it’s a perfectly normal boundary when you’re raising small children.

The real issue she’s describing is reliability. Her husband takes more time than agreed, which leaves her solo-carrying the childcare work load longer. That’s a fairness problem, not a power grab.

Labelling this “dangerously controlling” would be an overblown pseudo-diagnosis. You’ve taken ordinary phrasing, ignored the context, and missed the point: the OP isn’t limiting his freedom; she’s just asking for a fair, reliable split of responsibilities.

You really think I am the unreasonable one there? 😂

Honestly, what is the point of putting this in AIBU? You absolutely don't think that you are so shy bother.

If DH had ever told me when I was allowed to get a haircut I'd have told him to fuck off to bed honest.

I mean, you sound batshit tbh! OP has explained, in her own words, may not be everyone's choice of words, how disproportionate their "me" time was between her and her DH, that he takes any opportunity to escape parenting responsibilities. You've been calling her controlling, bossy, etc. for that?! Absolutely mental.

So basically while you take the children out he does nothing for the household, then when you get home you have to do it all while he goes out for some more time away from his family? Are you saying he's uninvolved with you, his children and the home?

He's not a dog, don't be weird.

Other than that, equal free time -

You lost me with phrases like ‘allow him ‘, and ‘ample time I give him’. You are defo controlling, and he is pushing back and deliberately not doing things in his ‘allocated allowance’ of free time granted by you, op. You need to talk I think, and pull together as a team with more give and take. There is likely resentment building on both sides here.

from the OP's strange posts, it sounds like she can't tolerate for the kids to potter around when adults do their own things.

I’m sort of thinking of just stopping giving him any space with the kids (and before I get accused of being controlling, I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

Why must kids be taken out when she's making diner, or husband has things to do? I take my own kids out every day of the week, I can't stand being bored at home all day, BUT they still need to entertain themselves first thing in the morning when I do the normal quick chores (laundry, bed...) and evening when it's diner time>

It isn’t a competition where you tot up who is having the shittest time. If you aren’t happy, stop trying to dictate how he spends his time and take control of how you spend yours. I have never set foot in a soft play place because I know I wouldn’t like it. DH and I shared the birthdays 50/50 as neither of us particularly wanted to do them but our children were keen to attend. The other one got to chill out at home. A hair cut an and getting the car cleaned are hardly a treat maybe he was just relaxing at home.

Im with you op im not sure why some of the responses are so against your post! Maybe if you'd used facilitating instead of allowing but I absolutely get you. My husband is like this, our marriage isn't great anyway tbh but what ive now started doing is employing a bit of the 'let them' mentality and just going out lots myself too. So if he's had loads of free time for xyz and then insists he needs to "do a bit of work" or go to the gym as soon as we get home then I just go out after or the next day ill go out for the same amount of time. Probably petty and there might be a better solution but discussing for years didn't get me anywhere and the resentment was building so this at least helps that. He is also much better with the kids now as a result of having them on his own more. Still more screen time and less fresh air than id like but 🤷‍♀️

*I’m not, I’m just not going to take them out if he claims he needs to do XYZ.)

so nasty. “No DC we are NOT going to go to the playground despite it being a lovely afternoon, we are staying here!!!”

why does it matter if DS watch tv while you have been out all day?

If you are really against screens, just tell him to go play in his bedroom or anywhere in the house with his toy.

That's what adult time for chores is, time for kids to entertain themselves alone, then you go out all day (which you did)

I wonder how much kid free time OP is getting?

So you said you’d be back for midday, did you tell him he has to be back for midday? How long was his event supposed to be? It seems unfair to give him a home time just because that’s when you’re returning