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Original poster

Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

161 replies

HelloDenise · 30/08/2025 09:49

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 30/08/2025 10:04

It was a bit of a fluff from you but it seems as if she’s not too bothered by it. She hasn’t retired, she’s left her job to study and from what she said, she intends to work afterwards.
A good luck card would have been better but I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you.
At most, I’d send a quick message to say sorry if you offended her and then move on.

Katherine9 · 30/08/2025 10:04

Dundonia · 30/08/2025 09:56

Why upset? It’s hardly a big insult is it? She’s 66!

Show quote history

Because leaving the job was to study, not to retire! Much like going on to a different job. An assumption was made that it must have been retirement due to age when it had been clear that wasn’t the purpose of the resignation.

CeciliaDuckiePond · 30/08/2025 10:01

It really depends if she is technically 'retiring' from her job - i.e. taking a pension. It's irrelevant whether she's retraining, getting another job etc.

I have several friends who have retired from my workplace and gone on to take low-stress, part time jobs elsewhere, and they still describe themselves as 'retired' - 'retired' doesn't have to mean sitting round the house watching daytime telly and baking cakes, it's just one process of leaving your workplace.

I think this is her issue, not yours, to be honest and the fact she tried to make up for it by being over-friendly means she probably realised she had overreacted.

PrettyParrot · 30/08/2025 09:59

I'm puzzled by her response as that's something I'd get someone in their sixties who was leaving their job to do something they loved rather than had to do :/

Sassybooklover · 30/08/2025 09:59

I'm not sure why you gave her a retirement card, to be honest?! She wasn't retiring, she's merely leaving her job to study for a postgraduate degree. A 'leaving' card would have been far more appropriate. You weren't being deliberately mean, but you certainly didn't think it through. Send her an apology and move on.

Snorlaxo · 30/08/2025 09:56

I think a retirement card was an odd choice and like pp would have picked a “Good Luck” or even a “Off to uni” card.

It’s done now so just forget about it. 💐

Dundonia · 30/08/2025 09:56

Katherine9 · 30/08/2025 09:54

I appreciate you meant well but it really was a bit of a faux pas to assume she was retiring. I’d be upset too if I received that card in the same circumstances.

Show quote history

Why upset? It’s hardly a big insult is it? She’s 66!

AMillionTomorrows · 30/08/2025 09:55

It was an honest mistake, forget about it.

UpMyself · 30/08/2025 09:55

She is retirement age and it was her last working day, but a good luck card would probably have been more thoughtful. I'd think no more of it.

Katherine9 · 30/08/2025 09:54

HelloDenise · 30/08/2025 09:49

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

I appreciate you meant well but it really was a bit of a faux pas to assume she was retiring. I’d be upset too if I received that card in the same circumstances.

Heronwatcher · 30/08/2025 09:52

I think it was a bit of a faux pas (surely “good luck” or “you’re leaving” would have been better)? Would you have given a retirement card to a 28 yr old retraining? But just maybe send her a message and move on, sounds like she knew you weren’t doing it deliberately anyway so she’ll forgive you, if you’re otherwise a decent person.