Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

It’s not as bad as it feels right now- it’ll be a funny story one day.

Good luck would have been more appropriate.

Can't believe how many people are telling OP her friend should be 'grateful' for her 'making the effort.'

Firstly, it's a card. OP probably spent less than 2 quid on it and grabbed it during her weekly shop. It's not that much of an effort. She isn't donating a kidney. Hardly requiring a huge outpouring of gratitude.

Secondly, OP didn't make an effort. Making an effort would have been getting a card that was actually relevant rather than something which upset her. The friend would clearly have preferred no card at all than something that said 'I can't be bothered to listen to anything you say and btw you are ancient and unemployable.'

Older women are allowed to have a tiny bit of self worth, and not just be grateful that anyone deigns to notice them at all, let alone spare them a kind word. They are still people.

OP's friend could have a third (or more) of her life left to live, yet according to people on here she's approaching the grave, is of no use or ornament to society anymore, wanting to develop herself is pointless and the concept of anyone wanting to employ her is laughable.

but you said she had already made clear to you she wasn't retiring
then you heard other people at your hobby group wishing her happy retirement and she corrected them
Yet you still decided to give her the card?

then she told you again that she wasn't retiring and you made the bus pass joke, to the point where someone else had to repeat yet again to you that she wasn't retiring!!!

There's being a bit oblivious and then taking it to the next level.

Before this comment, I was on the fence but leaning towards her being “prickly” as someone put it - but this passive aggressive response from her has shoved me firmly onto your side of the fence! The card may have been a little inappropriate but she didn’t have to take it so personally or seriously. In her shoes I’d have had a laugh about it.

Please don’t hate yourself OP! You’re not ageist or horrible. You meant well, and I think she might have been kinder not to say anything, or at least say something in a more light hearted way. Sounds like she realised, and didn’t want you to have been hurt. We all make faux pas

I’m 67 and have no intention of retiring before I’m 70. I’m at the top of my game in my career, and I’m fitter and stronger than most of the undergrads I teach, let alone my colleagues.

My line manager has mentioned “moving towards retirement “ several times. If she does it again, I will tell her I’m filing a formal grievance. Age is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act.

You were thoughtless and rude, as well as ageist @HelloDenise

OP this has raised such an interesting and useful discussion. I think it made you realise that just because she’s 66 she doesn’t want to or plan to retire although some people happily retire when they are ten years younger than her. I guess it’s about all of our assumptions about our older years. I wouldn’t be shamefaced about it - I’d send her a nice message saying sorry about the clanger and wish her all the luck for her next steps. Sounds like she didn’t want this to come between you if she was being super nice to you the rest of the evening. As someone who is a bit older this post has inspired me to consider getting a new job / role despite being in my 60s so thanks for your honesty.

I think given that it was her friends intention to retrain and return to work for the OP to give her a retirement card was invalidating at best and extremely rude at worst. It isn’t like the OP is unaware of her plans.

I don't think you are horrible or ageist. For a start, you wouldn't post if you weren't upset at the idea that it had hurt your friend.

It seems like it was well intentioned and you missed the mark but also that whilst your friend felt the initial sting, she realised it wasn't intended in a harmful way.

I am the type to totally overthink everything so I know this would plague me for quite a while but hopefully you can feel reassured that it doesn't make you a horrid person.

I think it was insensitive. I don’t think people give out retirement cards outside of the workplace and for some people it’s not a joy, it’s a sign of ageing. It sounds like she was honest but handled it with good grace. You’ll know not to do it again and not to keep making her age an issue (sounds like you may be doing that if someone else mentioned it). Chalk it up as one of those experiences in life where you’ve offended someone unintentionally, she’s chosen to move on and you should do the same.

I think they were mean to make such a big deal about it.

You were being kind and inadvertently struck a nerve.

She should be old enough to handle it.

You made a mistake and she over reacted.

To be fair she has reached state pension age, therefore not a huge leap. And I’m not sure what is so insulting about assuming a 66 is retiring. People retire at much younger ages!

She is clearly very sensitive to this. Apologize and move on. If she holds a grudge that is her issue not yours

‘Audacity’ to have a human emotion in front of a friend… calm down.

I'm 66 and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. She didn't "write off" this woman, don't be so ridiculous. I actually am retired and overjoyed about it, it's not some awful thing which means I am of no more use to the world. Also, for what it's worth, 66 is not actually middle age, (and I say this as someone who still considers herself young but is sensible enough to know that, technically, I am in old age.)

However, I'm not, and never have been, one of the perpetually offended who seem to populate MN.

This! In the same situation I couldn't imagine making such a fuss, I would have thanked you and not given it another thought.

If I were you OP I would just be pleasant but not overly friendly in future, but then I have no room for ungracious people in my life.

Nobody says middle aged for 70. Elderly is generally thought to mean 65+. You can’t be state pension age AND middle aged!

Ouch. Bet that stung for her

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you were just trying to be funny but it’s thoughtless yes. Is she continuing to work because she can’t afford to retire? Or is she upset about getting older?

Basically don’t make people older than you feel close to death or bring up touchy subjects. I’d apologise.

But whyyyyyyyy did you get her a retirement card when you knew she wasn’t retiring? I don’t understand the thought process.

She’ll be entitled to her state pension next year - old age pensioner. She’s kidding herself OP. I think you were good intentioned.

she also has the audacity to be 'awkward'.