Are our finances unreasonable?

I think your way sounds perfect and you sound financially well matched.

I find some of the stories on here tough - with women funding their own maternity leave from savings as if their pregnancy has nothing to do with their husband. It makes me wonder why people bother marrying as it’s not a partnership.

Issues with joint finances arise when 1 party isn’t pulling their weight (at work or at home) and is essentially taking advantage of the other. Tends to be with female breadwinners who are under immense financial pressure and also do the majority of childcare and housework whilst the husband potters around with a hobby business or undemanding 9-5. (I’m sure it can work the other way though).

It doesn’t sound like this would ever be an issue for you and your partner especially with similar salary levels and no plans to have children.

But I would get married.

What in the OP suggests a lack of these?

I didn’t know which way to vote…YANBU to carry on how you are. But I think YABU in regards to thinking it’s easy breezy for everyone. You may have been on the bones of your arse at one point but your not now and you can spend how you want etc. Me and my ex kept everything separate because he had financial issues which meant it was easier for us to not combine, bills were in proportion to salary and then they came out my account he transferred me it each month. We alternated food shops etc one of us would grab a meal but it came out of our own money pot as such not a shared one, but when your on the edge about money I think the ease around it changes

YANBU. Our set up is pretty much the same as yours. We've been together 34 years married for 23 and have never had joint finances. He pays for more stuff b because he earns more. No bill splitting, no spreadsheets, no drama. Works for us.

You're making this bigger than it needs to be. Discuss it and decide what's best for you both. Either an entirely joint account, or contribute whatever % you both agree into an account. Isn't it all swings and roundabouts?

🙄🙄

I hope that when you were on mat leave and part time working that you (as a household) still kept up your pension contributions even when you were the lower earner; otherwise no it’s not fair! X

It’s not unreasonable now because you are equals and have equal input into your joint lives. What will be problematic will be when you are no longer ‘equals’ in that your contributions are not identical; eg one of you is taking on more a home / marriage / kids. You need to discuss how you’ll manage finances when / if that happens… you may find he doesn’t want to pay ‘more’ than you because he’s never had to before; but if you would like to take a longer maternity leave or stay at home with a child and reduce your income; he might not want to financially contribute to you doing that. So equal is good for now but you do need to know what his thoughts are and yours for future if your set up changes.

This. It's barely an achievement when there is lots of money to go round

You have no money worries and all your extra spending above bills etc is negligible and not for essentials so you've no issue.

It would be different if things were right. I can tell from some comments you've made that if things were tight, you'd have an issue then and wouldn't be so carefree.

We work like that now, when we were younger and broke we split everything pro rata to earnings, now we are pretty comfortable, have got rid of the joint account, and don't really stress about who pays what for what. I think if you don't have to budget to make ends meet it's fine.

Until more recently we have managed our finances in a similar manner for almost 40 years including through the child rearing years, redundancy, cancer and retirement. Half of the time we were not married. Due to age we now have a joint account for household bills, have utilities in joint names and use a family email address, so if something happens to one of us sorting that sort of thing out will be far easier.

I am not sure things would have worked if monies had been really tight as any spending or paying discrepancies would have been amplified, especially for whoever was the lower earner at the time. There could also be issues if the property is not owned jointly when living together if you split up. You also need to have some sort of shared values around finances. So whilst it can work, it’s not without risk.

So are people who have big discussions about money and/or track even spending aren’t kind or don’t love each other?

Sorry, OP, but this is definitely how your post comes across, so I’d take pause and consider why rather than brushing it aside.

I’m not sure why you need validation on how your deal with your finances together? People deal with them in all different ways for all kinds of reasons.

DH and I are both high earners and also never bothered tracking anything. But having a wedding, then twins, buying a house and renovating it soon meant that money was sometimes rushing out of our accounts faster than we could save. Sounds like your spending so far is piecemeal, it’s the big things that end up mattering.

Not true. This is exactly how me and my now husband have done it. We have never been high earners so never did big purchases but at times I have earned more and paid a chunk off the mortgage and at times he has earned more. I have had two mat leaves and now work part time and we have never had a big discussion about money (just about what days I would go part time). Then again, we love each other and are kind. So that helps.

I think it’s up to you really, it’s your money and if you’re both happy with the arrangement then why not!

I fully understand why some people split everything 50/50 and have separate account - my sister does it with her DH and works well for them. However, both my DH and me have always been very relaxed about it. When things got serious between us and he moved in with me, we set up a joint account, everything goes in and comes out of there and we don’t keep track of anything, besides our overall monthly spend. We both earn around the same and have no plans for kids so less complicated I suppose.

While we work hard for it and appreciate money, we both value other things above it and the idea of quibbling over making everything equal just doesn’t appeal to either of us. I’d parrot what the others have said about getting married though, just to have that extra security…it’s a cliche and very unromantic but it’s worth it I think.

We’re just the same. We have seperate accounts and both just pay for stuff. Been married 10 years and it works for us.

You “keep telling him he owes you one”? Weird comment if you really don’t care about money…

If it works for you then what anyone else does is irrelevant. Dh and I don’t have a joint account: he pays some bills, I pay others. However, unlike you we do have an annual budget (with a buffer!) as we had specific goals we wanted to achieve eg dh retired at 53 and I only work for a few months per year.

Yanbu, if you are both kind hearted and generous and love each other then this chaos is fine. It is the fact that you are affluent that allows the chaos to be fine - if you had to live on a strict budget it would be more of a problem but it's not like that, and you are effectively very close to how it would be if all money was held in common anyway.

BUT - life happens. At any point a twist of a card that fate has dealt you could bring up problems where there are none now. Your happy chaos would not be robust in a situation of redundancy, cancer, unplanned pregnancy etc. However, if you prioritise getting around to getting married asap and officially moving over to a system for all financial resources to be held in common, you will not see any significant differences while life continues on its happy course, but you will have a setup that is well prepared for whatever storms may be ahead.

It sounds good but are you saving a good amount into a pension, have 6 months of emergency savings, investing for the future etc? If you’re doing well, make the most of it and set yourself up, especially if you’re planning on having a family in the future.

my DH and I didn’t do this when we were working in high paid jobs, and although we have still done well, we could have such a bigger nest egg if we had started investing 15 years earlier. Learn from my mistakes!

I assume children won’t be an issue if you don’t have them by now. If it works that’s fine. Ive always found 50/50 splits a bit odd myself but then you aren’t married and earn a similar amount so you have the luxury of making it work.

You say you both earn mega bucks and neither of you have to worry about money. With this much financial freedom picking up the treat bills are negligent to both of you.

All sounds amicable.

All of it is fine when you're affluent.

The problems occur if one person suddenly has to cut back on work and it's the arrival of a child/children that tends to throw a bomb into it. That is presumably not relevant to you based on your OP.

You should probably go through a few worst case scenarios with a financial advisor.

We aren't dissimilar op and we did have kids. When I didn't work I did keep a note of what I spent and dh wrote a cheque at the end of the month. We've never had a joint account, never counted who puts what in. But, it's because we've always had more than enough and have never had a cross word because our attitudes to money are the same.

However, in the early days the house was mine and it was written into a prenup with a clause about the division of capital appreciation from a certain point.