H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

You don't need to discuss with him ever .
Move on
Try different narrative that you will roll out to anyone else who needs to know
"Marriage was not working for me /for either of us. So we split. We better apart"
In 5 or 10 years no one will care who said what to who .

Abusive people will never accept their responsibility and wrongdoing. When I left my ex told me it was all my fault, how was he supposed to know his behaviour was wrong etc etc. He would call and tell me all this regularly, after a few calls I stopped answering. It wasn't doing me any good and honestly I couldn't care less if it helped him or not.
Ignore and hang up if he starts having a go at you

You are trying to justify your decision you split up with your ex, as though you are guilty of something. Everything you say to him will be dismissed and disregarded as he has no intention of acknowledging any problems. He wants to make you feel in the wrong to force you go back to him with your tail between your legs begging him to forgive you.

He sounds horrible and abusive. “Go kill yourself!” or “go play in traffic!” is a thing immature teenagers say to each other when arguing in real life or on social media and it’s really unpleasant and as well as being moronic.

And this is why you’re advised not to have therapy with an abusive partner. Don’t all oh I’m to drag you into similar discussions, you owe him nothing, just hang up.

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

don’t bother OP
seriously don’t bother

You need to stop dissecting this with your arsehole ex. He is never going to accept that he was in the wrong. He is a nasty person. He's more likely to turn it back on you and deflect. There will be no sudden epiphany from him if that's what you are hoping for.

You've split. Now stay strong and make it permanent. He will never change. It will be better for you and the children (did you give their ages?) if you don't remain in this dreadful relationship.

You weren't too sensitive.

Back yourself!!!!

Also you can leave a relationship for literally no reason at all (or no reason). Nothing compelling you to stay with anyone.

Errr why are you still speaking to him???

you need to discuss practical stuff like divorce and stuff about kids. That’s it.

Why are you torturing yourself with this crap?

He is just trying to minimize his behaviour - he'll know deep down this was one the effed up things that compelled you into action to leave him.

He just wants to gaslight you into believing it wasn't really that bad/heat of the moment comment etc. So you can be the bad guy and he can keep deluding himself that he isn't the problem.

Unless he is completely mad - he knows how terrible it is to say that to someone. It's totally f**ed.

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

Ask if he can honestly think he would be able to stand there and repeat his justification.

I'm guessing he won't be able to do it.

He knows how vile he was. You're the one who seems to have forgotten if you are thinking of this as a trial separation.

Let us tell you quite clearly that what you describe is truly…. Vile.

But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

And?
So?

Why do you need him to comprehend it?

You are never, ever, going to get him to agree that he was wrong.

What is more, you have to get to a place where you don't need him to admit he was wrong, because he is irrelevant.

Just get on with the divorce, and restrict all communication with him to absolute essentials only.

Ok

so, enough with the dissecting and on to the practicalities

this would have been ghastly for the children so please don’t concern yourself with breaking up the family unit

Rather than channelling your time and energy in to dissecting something that is rotten to the core…. Focus on progressing the logistics pf the split

You are not going to get a changed man by talking about this with him. He will
downplay his abuse. What do you expect from it? Just walk away. You’ve made the first step. Keep going.

Yes, those are terrible things to say. When you get out of an abusive relationship these things have a habit of popping up in your mind and you reflect on them with distance in a way you may not have done in the immediacy of the situation. Personally I wouldn't discuss them with him though. Everytime you engage at a deeper level with him you're giving him the opportunity to fire more shots and create more wounds. You need the ones you have to heal.

The family unit sounds a horrible environment for everyone, especially children.

Have you split or not? It’s not clear if you’re now saying discussing a trial separation

Are you living together?

You’re beating a dead horse here. Separate and move on.

Goodness are you trying to get back with this loser. What’s making you want that then?

What constitutes this family unit? Have you children? (Apart from him, that is; he being clearly a superannuated teenager)

He’s never going to change, he’s never going to take responsibility for his behaviour and he will always paint you as the bad guy. No one is saying walking away is easy but you can’t fix what you didn’t break.