H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

exactly

no good can come out of that, especially if it's that recent!
Stop with the toxic behaviour and have a clean break, as hard as that is already to organise a break and the kids.

I’ve read your other thread. You’re not making a hard situation any easier for doing what you’re doing.

Split, get financials, houses whatever in order and start your new life.

No wonder your kids are upset and angry they’re probably confused as hell.

The only defence I can imagine for saying go kill yourself is that he was in a circle of people at school who regularly spoke like that. My ds who is now adult had stuff like this said to him at school.

also if your teen has heard that kind of thing habitually, s/he may think it’s not too big a deal.

I think the bigger issue is why your teen won’t stay with you.

If that’s as vile as it gets then I don’t think it’s that bad…. I’d class it as childish rather than anything else. (But this is obviously only the case if there’s no history of suicide in your family which I is a massive drip feed if so)

I like it when the first post just says everything.

He can't see where he is wrong. That means it's over as the only change that can happen is him being "better" at the abuse. Walk away

He stayed. You moved out with the teens or teens stayed?

Of course your teens are aware of the shit that has been thrown at their mother over the years and their father’s temper

You are grieving what you hoped the family unit would be
but that never came to fruition
why? Because you married a nasty arsehole

My advice echoes all of the above; stop talking to him unless it involves logistics.

He’s clearly not a nice man. I mean this kindly, but in what universe do you ever envision a time where he says ‘Actually, you’re quite right. I was a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I gaslit you into thinking it was your fault. Sorry about that’. It’s never going to happen so why are you still chasing it? You’re just giving him more chances to make you feel crap. And it’s working. You’re doubting yourself again.

…the loss of the family unit is hard to get over I’d think the loss of your family unit would be a bloody Godsend. Do you really miss being spoken to like that? Or are you grieving the family unit that you would have liked to have had?

It makes you wonder if those were the type of things his parents said to him when he was a kid.

That’s the thing about abusers, they’re not always abusive. Sometimes they’re wonderful - perfect even. But they’re not, it’s an act that they put on to keep you trapped. You’re always hoping that if you <insert impossible hoop-jumping task here> that you’ll get the good version of him and if you don’t, then you must have done something wrong.

You spend every waking minute walking on eggshells and pandering to them so they don’t blow up. It’s no life. You’re so busy trying to make them happy that you completely lose sight of whether you’re happy yourself. Because when they are happy, my god doesn’t it feel amazing? That’s all you want is for them to be happy.

It’s not real. You don’t need him to validate your feelings by acknowledging his wrongdoings. They are NEVER wrong. You’ll be waiting forever.

You’ve made the biggest step forward - congratulations to you! Go and live your life out of his shadow. It will be so much better.

Talking to him about your relationship is not healthy.

For me the word that stands out is "EX" - as in 'out the picture'. I would leave him be and forget about dissecting your marriage. I can see you might want to avoid the same thing happening in future and think it's a good idea to thrash it out with him. But he sounds very needy and determined to make this your fault. Just say "EX" a thousand times a day and move on.

The only thing that's unreasonable is that you would give him one millimetre of headspace. He's a vile man who throws spiteful words around like so many hand grenades. An emotional terrorist.

For the love of Mike, stop it! You describe the marriage as rotten to the core. Assuming you base this on more serious goings on than your exH lashing out with nasty, puerile retorts like a schoolkid (though that’s lousy of course, and he sounds pathetic), things can only get better now that you are separated from him.

I wonder sometimes how a lot of men ever get the ride. What is the irresistible allure?

Your children heard this 'man' say these things to you

Thats teaching your children lessons that they will carry with them forever:
You can treat women like that & Women are expected to be treated like that and stay in a relationship....

Or

You can leave and STAY APART and teach them completely different lessons

I guess its up to you

Like most victims of emotional abuse you are feeling massively guilty for being the one to end the relationship and are being made to feel insane by your ex for doing so. He is, as an abuser, making you doubt your choice to leave. He is making you feel bad and saying “you never loved me” because he wants to make you question if you are the reason for the relationship downfall.

None of us know you in real life so cannot comment if you are completely innocent, but it sounds like you are in a vulnerable situation and you need to be strong for you and the kids and stop contacting your ex unless it’s regarding the children.

Speak to a counsellor to go through what’s just happened to process, do not try to process anything with your ex as you will always be the bad guy

I hope you have the strength to pull yourself out of this for you and the kids

For me, 'Why don't you go kill yourself' is about the worst thing someone could say to their partner. It's not about thinking you'd actually do it - it's just about the most hurtful and awful thing you could say to someone you're meant to love. It's basically saying 'I want you to die'. I'm very thick-skinned about things like swearing and insults and so on - if a partner said 'Don't be such a fucking arsehole' or something I would barely register that, so I'm not especially sensitive. But if they said 'Why don't you kill yourself' I'd be appalled.

Really, you are best off out of this marriage and I don't think there's anything to be gained from you having conversations with your ex about who was right and who was wrong. He isn't going to accept that he treated you badly - he's just going to keep telling you everything was your fault. It wasn't. Get rid of him.

what makes you think he will change?

This is what you do with a therapist, not an abusive ex. You're keeping yourself stuck. He won't get it. There are no magic words that will make him understand how awful that was.

Concentrate on your kids and your future. Your ex needs to be just background noise. Communicate only through a family app and only about the children.

May I suggest that you label this awful man’s phone number “Abusive Manbaby”, block him, and progress your divorce.

He is emotionally incontinent and you should not speak to him. He will never apologize. He would rather make you apologize for leaving him.

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

Why bother? It won't work and there will be no miraculous epiphany. The man is an arsewipe. Save your energy and your breath.