H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

Why are you doing this at all? Do you stir up your cold vomit with a stick? Do you inspect your poo? Just cut contact and move on.

But what have you said to him?

You do get time with him, so use that opportunity to talk to him

and so you moved out with your disabled child who is also ex’s child?

OP I totally understand how upset you feel about your son not staying at your house, but it's only been 6 weeks so don't despair. I see no value in continuing having conversations with your ex about who was the most in the wrong - you're never going to agree on this. You said before your exh was abusive, telling you to kill yourself is extremely abusive. I've had many rows with my DH and neither of us would say anything like this. It's not normal and you left for a reason. Stop with the disection of the marriage problems and move forward with your life. It will be better for your children in the long run as continued uncertainty is damaging.

Take a big deep breath and then tell yourself that you did not overreact.

If my DH said those things our 30 year marriage would be over.

He's claiming that he doesn't know that 'kill yourself' is a disgusting thing to say?

Is he special educational needs or just a liar?

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship. You showed real strength in doing that. All your abusive ex is trying to do is to weaken you again because he is angry you left him.

Don't give in to it. The best thing I did was write down the abusive things my ex said and then told everybody! My family, friends, my GP etc. It not only validated my view that he was a horrible person but he lost any power over me too because he couldn't say it was just me being unreasonable. He hated that he couldn't keep up the pretence to the world that he was a decent person.

Of course you need to tread carefully as your kids are older but it really helps talking to a close family member or friend you trust who can say 'hey, no, that's crazy', rather than listen to the person who is trying to manipulate you.

As for the secure family unit, it never really existed. Happy families don't threaten to kill each other.

Hi. Sorry for what you’ve been through. These things are hard to be clear about when you’re on the inside.

My take is that either:

1. He has significant issues and genuinely does not comprehend how vile the things he used to say are and that’s why he thought he could say them (perhaps he had a terrible upbringing himself where these sorts of things were said and normalised).
2. He fully comprehends how vile the things he used to say are but because of his significant issues (feelings of inadequacy, abusive traits etc), he said them anyway.

I would bet it’s #2 (just trying to give the benefit of the doubt).

Either way, I’m 99% sure he will never admit that he was wrong to say them because that would mean (for #1) a fundamental personality shift where he either suddenly realises how awful he was or (#2) suddenly accepts that he was deliberately awful (abusive) and is willing to admit this to you (which goes against the traits of an abusive person).

I think it’s natural, when you’ve invested a lot in a relationship, to want a ‘reason’ that is more complex or less bleak than that the other person was just really inadequate in some way and probably always was (sunk cost fallacy - if we accept this then our brains have to adjust to the idea that we ‘wasted’ time). I think the brain then seeks recompense for that perceived ‘waste’ or ‘wrong’ - we want an explanation that is better, or at least an acknowledgment or apology.

But - these inadequacies are the reason you left him, so it’s vanishingly unlikely that he will now have a moment of clarity about his behaviour, given that the threat of his relationship ending wasn’t enough to bring this about. Instead, he’s looking outwards to blame you for being unreasonable - in doing so, he buries the consequences of his own actions and can proceed with very little self-reflection or guilt.

Hun he's an abusive bastard which is while you left.

I don't get the 'trial separation' thing. He's abusive - end of. Book yourself in for counselling & move on. No trial it's the end - he ended it when he started to abuse you. No going back.

Oh pet. I remember your previous post. You’re so heartbroken about your DS that you’re willing to put yourself back in an abusive marriage. IIRC, you’ve suggested reconciliation but your ex says he doesn’t trust your reasons?

I understand your pain, but I’m not sure trying to force yourself to ignore awful treatment is the answer.

Why don’t you just move back into the family home - it’s your right to live there too. Just say living elsewhere isn’t working for you. Again IIRC, your ex sleeps with your son? So presumably you could sleep separately?

Obviously I wouldn’t usually suggest this but if you can’t accept being away from your DS then maybe this is a possibility. Can’t you just co-exist in the same house for a while even if you haven’t actually got back together?

He’s never going to change and he’s never going to recognise or admit his faults, clearly. Don’t waste your time and energy having these discussions with him.

Why are you talking to him? So he can abuse you more? Just don’t

Don’t Channel your energy in to your nasty ex fgs

focus everything and anything on addressing your son keeping you at arms length. Is this just because he sees you as being the one that ended the marriage? How did the pair of you tell him the news? Are you living alone?

It’s a terrible thing to say, you sound really worn down. Please consider getting some therapy to help with your boundaries and self esteem.

He will never validate you, and you need to be able to move on without this. You and your children deserve better.

Why did you move out? Did he ever say things like that in front of the DC?

You can’t reason with unreasonable. Just don’t discuss it with him any further. You know it was unreasonable but he will never agree that anything he did was unreasonable.

I think the number of people confronted by their XP with how they behaved after the breakup of the relationship saying 'yes, you are completely right, I behaved very badly and I am sorry,' must be in single digits. Dissecting your relationship is utterly pointless, OP. He will never see your perspective, just as you won't see his.

If he won't accept that saying those things is abusive, there is no point in talking to him. I would just make the split permanent. Awful for the kids to live in that kind of atmosphere and he's not going to change.

dissecting It WITH him is just still plugging into it… it’s still feeding off of it and this is just maybe getting ammunition to back up the fact you’re right… which I’m ok no way saying you’re not . It sounds awful. But… You’re still in the marriage right now… this isn’t what ending it is …. This is an argument in separate houses. And I’m not judging because I get it … but you’re still plugged into it all so right now unless you want to get back with him … this isn’t helping.

My wife (now ex-wife - through her choice rather than mine) would similarly tell me in arguments “I wish you were dead” or similar. It has a corrosive effect. You can’t forget that, even after the argument is resolved or forgotten. She cheated on me and left for OW. With some hindsight, I suppose she was unhappy in the marriage and those comments were the manifestation of that. I loved her.

I think if someone feels like this about you, it’s over really. One way or another it will end. I would have done anything to save my marriage but 2.5 years after it ended, although I’m sad it did, I can see how dysfunctional it was. Not that that couldn’t have been corrected, but that would have needed both of us to want to work on it, and one of us decided to find someone else instead.

You need to get the divorce and financial agreement done ASAP.

Either the house will have to be sold to pay you your settlement, or if ex has a good income he may be able to buy you out and stay there.

Either way, once you get the money you can sort out a permanent place for you to live.
Hopefully, your DS will come and stay with you sometimes, especially if the family home has to be sold, so he may decide that staying with Dad in Dad's new place is no better than staying with Mum in Mum's new place.

Don’t dissect, don’t talk, and just sort anything that’s necessary. 🤷‍♀️