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H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

114 replies

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:06

Trigger warning. I’m now separated from exh (very recently) and we’ve been “dissecting” our marriage. One thing crops up (among many many others) is a couple of times in arguments he would storm off and tell me “Why don’t you just k&ll yourself?!” or “Just go play in traffic” or “Go jump off a roof” I left him and he’s very angry and bitter. He doesn’t see the seriousness of the kind of things he used to say to me.

So last night we talked again on the phone and he brought up how I couldn’t be trusted (as I left him) and how he can barely look at me or forgive me. I brought up what he used to say to me and he said “Well obviously you would never have actually done it”

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying. Or is it the sign of an emotionally immature, childish man? He also said how I never showed him any affection and how attention starved he was, it’s obvious I never loved him he says.

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

Just seeking advice on this - on what he used to say to me?

He wasn’t all terrible and worked hard, loved our children, could also shower me with affection and praise.

OP posts:
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Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 09:59

Easyyoke · 30/08/2025 09:58

I see what you’re doing🤨
leave the OP alone and stop digging for information you can twist to stick the boot in.

I’m not digging

I have read the other threads! So no need to dig

but I don’t think the op will deny that the children would benefit from therapy too

Easyyoke · 30/08/2025 09:58

Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 09:44

Given all your other threads, I bloody hope your children are in therapy too

I see what you’re doing🤨
leave the OP alone and stop digging for information you can twist to stick the boot in.

Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 09:44

Given all your other threads, I bloody hope your children are in therapy too

BloodyHellKenn · 30/08/2025 09:29

BountifulPantry · 30/08/2025 08:49

OP can I ask- are you having any therapy? You could find it useful.

I have had one session so far so hopefully I will find it useful.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 30/08/2025 08:49

OP can I ask- are you having any therapy? You could find it useful.

wombat1a · 30/08/2025 06:33

Why the heck are you dissecting this with him, STOP TALKING to him. Only communicate about
a) how to hand over children
b) divorce paperwork (if needed)
other than that do not communicate.

Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 06:16

Starlight7080 · 29/08/2025 21:52

Haven't you posted before about your ex? And he was sleeping in the same bed as your teen and they spent alot of time just them two.
And he wasn't very interested in your younger child?

Yes starting to ring a bell

and the Op mentioned the father continually sending her photos of her son in her panamas, which I thought was a very odd detail but now makes sense

Starlight7080 · 29/08/2025 21:52

Haven't you posted before about your ex? And he was sleeping in the same bed as your teen and they spent alot of time just them two.
And he wasn't very interested in your younger child?

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:34

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:27

Yes that was a too much given only 6 weeks and he’s ND

Just bide your time

Actually just worked out it’s only been 5 weeks. Yes I will bide my time.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:27

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:23

I just gave him the option - pick one out of three nights (Friday, Saturday or Sunday) pick what he would have for tea and what film we would watch. I did say that he does need to start staying over and that I’m his Mum and need to see him too etc. I’ve since apologised to him and told him I was wrong to pressure him.

Yes that was a too much given only 6 weeks and he’s ND

Just bide your time

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:23

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:13

What pressure did you put on him? If you are genuinely honest

I just gave him the option - pick one out of three nights (Friday, Saturday or Sunday) pick what he would have for tea and what film we would watch. I did say that he does need to start staying over and that I’m his Mum and need to see him too etc. I’ve since apologised to him and told him I was wrong to pressure him.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:13

What pressure did you put on him? If you are genuinely honest

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:12

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:03

* I changed the goal posts with him staying over and handled it badly/losing his trust*

how so?

I initially said that we would discuss him staying over in a couple of weeks which he accepted, then I panicked as family members were saying I was going to lose him, I then brought up him staying over much sooner with pressure which lost his trust (he’s on the spectrum too)

OP posts:
BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:10

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:06

DS won’t have me there when ex is working either as he says “it’s not your house!”

Would your ex be ok with you in the house whilst he’s at work?

He’s said he would be, not all the time but occasionally. It’s early days and we are working out all logistics for shared custody, it’s complex.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:06

DS won’t have me there when ex is working either as he says “it’s not your house!”

Would your ex be ok with you in the house whilst he’s at work?

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 21:03

* I changed the goal posts with him staying over and handled it badly/losing his trust*

how so?

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 21:00

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:55

Must be tricky balancing with a disabled child
OP ex is ghastly
DS will come around. You do have time with him so use it to gently address his misunderstandings around the situation

He’s a joy to spend time with and we’ve had lots of quality time together this summer. I apologised as in my previous post I changed the goal posts with him staying over and handled it badly/losing his trust. He’s been more relaxed at my house but the overnights is still a sore point!

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:55

Must be tricky balancing with a disabled child
OP ex is ghastly
DS will come around. You do have time with him so use it to gently address his misunderstandings around the situation

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 20:53

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:49

Yes but I’m just wondering how the pair of you are suddenly affording two properties

presumably you dont work? Does he?

The property that ex rents is the marital home that we all lived in for many years. I now separately rent a property. We both work.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:49

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 20:40

Ex and I separately rent a house each.

Yes but I’m just wondering how the pair of you are suddenly affording two properties

presumably you dont work? Does he?

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 20:40

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:29

How are you and be affording yourself o rin two homes?

Ex and I separately rent a house each.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:29

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 20:24

We share custody of our other child, but they are mostly with me.

How are you and be affording yourself o rin two homes?

Anonymous23456 · 29/08/2025 20:24

You don't need to get him to understand how he hurt you or cause you pain. You aren't going to get the validation or understanding you want from him. Hes not going to admit being abusive to you. That would require him take some responsibility. He won't.

You need to stop rehashing this relationship with him. You need to stop talking to him all together. You are not in a relationship. He is not your friend. If you need to talk go to therapy.

Your child is old enough to talk to you directly. I know he doesnt want to stay over, you pushed and that was a shit show. You can't forcevhim to stay. You can't force his to have a relationship with you. Just keep leaving the door open for him.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve peace, you deserve to be loved.

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 20:24

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 19:59

But what have you said to him?

You do get time with him, so use that opportunity to talk to him

and so you moved out with your disabled child who is also ex’s child?

We share custody of our other child, but they are mostly with me.

OP posts:
Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:06

Bikergran · 29/08/2025 20:04

Why are you doing this at all? Do you stir up your cold vomit with a stick? Do you inspect your poo? Just cut contact and move on.

It is actually wise to check your poo